Tuesday, December 07, 2004

confessions of a confused heart

I stand here
I, here, limpid-unmistakeable

Waiting here for you
Eyes filled with dread

You move on
To somewhere so far away

And I still stand here
Translucent

What you see is flummox
What I see is obscurity

So who’s thoughts
Should I follow?

My thoughts so dry,
Or yours so mellow?

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Seeking Grace

This poem is a little prayer I say when nothing seems right.


Looking up and praying,
Sanity is all I seek Lord,

Bending as not to break,
Modesty is all I seek Lord

Giving as not to take,
Benevolence is all I seek Lord

Weeping for you to judge,
Mercy is all I seek Lord

Laudatory for You is all I speak,
Conciliation is all I seek Lord

And when I’m alone,
I somehow know you’re there Lord

Fill my heart,
And cleanse my mind Lord

Show not your wrath
For Grace is all I seek Lord.


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

mirror-cracking material

Thick,dark,luscious hair.....wow...She's still so beautiful.Ivory,creamy,flawless skin.The pink floaty material of her skirt and the clicking of her heels is turning heads.Perfect white teeth and an alluring charisma complete her ensemble.I feel the air that surrounded her when she walked by me.Unbelievable.It was still soft. I follow her trail with my eyes,as she perches on one of the many stools at the counter.Taking off her windbreaker,she flips her longish,blackish hair nonchalantly over her shoulder.Almost jaded.Chin in her hand.I meet her wandering gaze,and her eyes are bored.

What?No flicker of recognition?After all we've been through?

I'm confused.I don't get it.Wasn't she supposed to recall all the wonderful memories,all the laughs and hugs,everything we said we about being there for each other?Or even vice versa...the tears and moments of awkward silence.I would give anything for her to remember a single fragment of the time we spent together.

I glance at her again.Nothing.Her head is slightly tilted as she studies the menu.A sigh escapes her.I drink it all in.There's the flipping again.I lower my newspaper slightly to get a better look. She hands the menu to the waiter and orders God-knows-what.The faint smile playing on her lips fades away as she goes into a trance...apparently staring into nothingness.God,she hasn't changed,I notice.The same posture,the same flipping(there it is again),the inquisitive yet bored eyes....she's coming out of it now...her trance,I mean.

Uh-oh.She catches me looking at her again.The faint smile is back on.She turns to look the other way,and does a double-take.Slowly...cautiously...almost daring...she looks back at me. And I see surprise...horror...ecstacy...sadness...guilt.All rolled in one.

5 years of cherished memories flash between our gaze in 5 minutes.And that 5 minute reunion means nothing to her,as she turns back to the counter,picking up the bag that the waiter promptly left for her.She fiddles with her purse,takes out a few notes and slams them on the counter.

I watch her walk out.And I don't stop her.No,not this time.

Why didn't she look back?Once at least?And why am I staring into oblivion?Why have I frozen?Why couldn't time freeze?Why can I still smell her in me?Why ?

I quietly fold these thoughts along with my newspaper,tuck them under my shoulder,and walk out in the opposite direction.

These words of mine

i cant help it.[status:hopeless romantic]

These words are my own
Threw some chords together, the combination D-E-F
Its who I am, its what I do, and I was gonna lay it down for you
I tried to focus my attention, but I feel so A-D-D
I need some help, some inspiration, but its not coming easily
(bridge)
Tryin to find the magic,
Tryin to write a classic,
Dontcha know, dontcha know, dontcha know?
Wastebin full of paper,
clever rhymes- see ya later
(chorus)
These words are my own, from my heart flow,
I love you, i love you, i love you, i love you,
There's no other way to better say
I love you, i love you
Read some Byron, Shelley and Keates,
recited it over a hip-hop beat
I'm havin trouble sayin what i mean,
with dead poets and a drum machine
You know i had some studio time booked,
but i couldnt find the killer hook,
now you're gonna raise the bar right up,
nothin i write is ever good enough
(repeat chorus twice)
I'm gettin off my stage
the curtains pull away
No ....... to hide behind
My naked soul exposes
woaaaaah
(repeat bridge)
(repeat chorus
I love you I love you, thats all i got to say
cant think of a better way, and thats all i got to say
I love you, is that ok?

I'm a believer

As much as love screws everyone over 5 times a day,7 days a week,i still believe tht its a v.possible to happen.and it's songs like these(nd many more) tht keep tht ray of hope in me alive.yay!=)

I thought love was only true in fairytales
Meant for someone else but not for me
Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed
Dissappointment haunted all my dreams
Then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer.
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind.
I'm in love
(ooooooaaaahhh)
I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her
if I tried
I thought love was more or less a given thing
The more I gave the less I got, Oh Yeah
What's the use of trying
All you get is pain
When I wanted sunshine I got rain
Then I saw her face,
Now i'm a believer.
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind.
I'm in love
(ooooooaaaaahhhh)
I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her
if I tried
What's the use in tyring
All you get is pain
When I wanted Sunshine I got rain!
Then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer!
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
(ooooooaaaahhh)
I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her
if I tried
Then I saw her face,
Now I'm a believer.
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind.
I'm a believer, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeahhaah....
I´m a Believer(2x)

Monday, November 01, 2004

Night

why is it so quiet?*luks here nd there*.where are the crickets?the shadows?my companions in the dark?

Dreams,aspirations,and related crap

The water's too cold.I jump in anyway.Maybe someone will see from afar that I'm 'not waving but drowning',and save me.My hero.Or heroine.Any will do.As long as I'm saved.
If you promise to catch me,I promise to fall oh-so-willingly.I WANT you to want me to fall.that's one dream.57 more to go.no wait.83.haha.

the joke

so much stuff happens....interlinked....
ur in a soap opera....a drama...hello 'The Bold and the Beautiful'....
oh dont mind me,i love playing my part...it's always different with different people.none of the parts are hard to play...people are just too stupid to convince sometimes...*grrr*...take my best frnds for example.no matter how bright my 1000 kilowatt fake smile is...they c thru...they kno...goddamn all of u for knowing me so well...

haha...my horoscope for today:u will be forunate in everything.

wat a joke.I'M a joke.laff.i'm watching.nd laffing wid u.cuz i refuse to acknowlegde my own presence.(i am moody,messy.i get restless,nd senseless).have i mentioned the deficiency of intellect in me?well there u go.i just did.now u kno my deepest,darkest,ugliest secret.go on.i'm waiting for u to laff.so i can laff wid u.i hate laffing alone.it seems like a corny joke,which it is,but let's not think about tht rite now.(dont waste ur time on me,ur already the voice inside my head).
nd the fact tht i kno ur thinking 'wat the mother crap is this?' as u read on also makes me feel like a joke.i just proved to u how funny i am.rite on...*pats herself on the back*

Flower

There I was,opening up to a world I had been looking forward to see.As I stretched to my heart's content,I saw the sun smiling down on me.Fascinated,my head was turned towards it.I took in all I could see,a spacious green meadow with others like me,all their heads turned towards the sun.The bees and the birds gave a lively appearance and I was all the more excited to enter such an allured world.Sinking deeply into the amazing scenery,I thanked God for what He made me.Although seeing myself was impossible,I knew I was beautiful.I could feel as well as see it in my companions.A long,green stem,soft petals of the most beautiful yellowish-gold was my outlook.The pride of standing tall and facing the sun was enough for me to be in ecstacy.
A lovely breeze was blowing,causing me to bend and feel as free and alive as ever.Never had I felt so happy since the time I was a bud.Who knew it was ever-so wonderful to be a flower?Several times I thought I was given too much,several times I thought i didn't deserve such freedom,beauty and happiness.Living such a life was more than amazing.It was peaceful,yet so demanding.As I saw the sun set,I couldn't help feeling how lucky I was,and prayed to God to keep it this way.

However,the next day,to my extreme amazement,I saw a different creature in the beautiful world of mine.I looked at it in confusion,deciding what to call it.It looked very queer,with two legs which it was hopping on persistantly,a voice ringing in the quiet and a face full of pleasure.Exasperated on it's disturbance,I decided to ignore it.But for some reason,the meadow had gone quiet.Eerily quiet.After a few minute's patience,I turned to glance at the creature again,and I saw it advancing towards me.In an instant,I started feeling weak.My companions were staring nervously at me.Panick-stricken,I suddenly knew what was going to happen to me.A silent prayer was all I could say.Why did God have to create me if I was going to live such a short life?There were so many othes around me,why did the creature have to pick me?Why?As I felt the last of me being plucked away,I still thanked God for showing me a beautiful place and hoped to be born again in such a wonderful world...

'Look,Mother,I brought you such a lovely sunflower',said the little girl.