Friday, December 30, 2005

Strange and Beautiful-Aqualung

i think i will love chuggi forever and ever and ever and ever for telling me about this song.DIE if u dont listen to this soon enuff.



I've been watching your world from afar
I've been trying to be where you are
And I've been secretly falling apart
Unseen
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me
But you just can't see
You turn every head but you don't see me
I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me

Yeah
Ye-ah

Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do
Sometimes
I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realise that you love me
I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
Cause I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me, yeah

Yeah
Ye-ah
Yeah
Ye-ah

smelly sleep

have u ever noticed that sleep has a certain smell to it?i dont think i like it much.for one,it gets to ur head.secondly,its contagious.i went to zahra's the other day at like 2-3 in the afternoon.aunty was like 'oh,GOOD,ur here.u can go wake her up now'.i laughed and proceeded to her room.i opened her door,and it hit me.the stench of sleep!the room REEKED of it.i swear,one moment i'm dizzy,the next,i'm snuggling up to warm z in her bed,nd she's SO glad to c me.'MUahahaha!i have conquered yet another!',she claimed sleepily.Puggy came in from her art exam and joined us.we napped for like...4 hrs!FUN!=D.thts u i think smelly sleep is danjerrus:s

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

if God had a master plan,that only He understands,i hope its ur eyes He's looking thru...

i'vedecided tht its a scam.all of it.being and becoming,nodding and understanding.we're prisoners,and we're meant to stay tht way.then y do so many of us want to break free?for prominence?i guess.side-step with me and ull know....nothing.I have absolutely nothing on me. i was telling saif abhi tht i wanna know everything about everything.from the beginning of the world.it got hard trying to concentrate wen he reached alexander the gr8(how'd he do tht so fast,btw?).i saved the convo under 'saif's lecture' for baad mein.o,nd we minused religion from the story cuz we're in tht phase where we're in tht phase where we're confused about who we want to be.



i have a lot to say today,particularly cuz i havent sed nething for quite some time now.every1 cant be like mina malik,i guess,who is fortunate enuff to juggle LUMs,tennis,reading copiously and blogging all the same time.its crazy i tell u.


sometimes i walk alone in college(too bad it doesnt happen all the time,cuz then i'd think more hence write more).neway,wat was i saying?yes,walking alone .its a wonderful feeling if u savour it.Bia ki yehi prob hai ke woh kisi cheez ko savour nahin karti.except make-out sessions HAHAHAH.(she told me tht herself,nd thnk God she's one of my *secretive* (yet hot) frnds who no one knos about!=D)(nd no she's not imaginary=p).so neway,bak to the divine feeling of walking alone.u notice more and connect more with the stuff tht ur supposed to connect to.as is our primitive instinct.so NEWAY,this little,little squirrel crosses my path,and i stop to let it pass (its common courtesy for those who dont have ne.my mama taught me manner=p).not only did i let it pass,i watched it try to catch a ball of white fluffy stuff tht it thought was food but actually wasnt,get it?so there i'm standing,in a swarm of grls roaming around,watching a squirrel catch a ball of dust.hahaaahhahahahahahaahha.it was fucking funny,man.also,this group of grls go 'dude (no it was more of a 'zahrah,yaar?') are you ok?'.*shrug*.i've never been more intense,i sed.it wasnt a surprise tht they were flabbergasted,i'm quite the eccentric at KC.so neway,i dont remember the point of the tale,there was something moralistic somewhere,i forgot=s.



i'm happy.truly,truly,honest to goodness happy.my frnds are coming bak!:D:D:D:D:D:D:D.Bia nd me were discussing the other where our real home was,both of us being paki americans.as much as i wud like the Maldives to be my home,i think its Pakistan.no wait,i'm getting tingly as i write tht,which means i'm still confused.i'll get bak on tht wen i'm absolutely,positively sure where i belong.


moving on,ppl i think have changed for the weirder:
1.Hub
2.saba
3.saif
4.mk
5.musa
6.lots of other ppl,yaad nahin aa rahe
7.complan
8.mozez(basturd)

ppl who havent changed,which cud be a gud thing:
1.ME(very imp,considering the fact tht i'm bipolar)
2.Sal
3.manno
4.beebs
5.lashari
6.zahra
7.maryam
8.chuggi
9.lots of other ppl


change is good if u develop eFFectively.not weirdly=p.may i add tht i dont think anum awan is hygienic?hahahahahhahah.wow its amazing how much better u feel after writing so much=).ta!

blue peace

Sunday, November 13, 2005

insensitive

The leaves made swishing sounds and the clouds hid the moon.She kissed the tip of his nose and slowly moved towards his cheek.she kissed his ear,then ran her hands through his curly,unkempt hair.He smelled of delicious Polo blue and stale cigarettes.She smiled as she snuggled close to his skinny torso,and found solace in the quiet peace that was surrounding them.She looked up at his face,pale in the wan moonlight,and at that moment,she had never loved him more.She dragged a single finger down his face....over his temples..his closed eyes...his half-open mouth..and finally kissed him.
She pulled back almost immediately,and spat on the ground.'Booze',she said,getting up from where they both lay.She sighed and shook her head in disgust.'It was always about the booze,wasnt it?!',she said,seething with anger,'you lying bastard.I TOLD you I'd hunt you down if you left me,and I did!And now...you're all mine.Revenge is indeed sweet,my love'.His eyes remained closed,his mouth,half-open.She stared down at him with a smirk on her face.'You're a pathetic piece of shit,'she said.'Do you hear me?!UR A PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT!' she yelled that towards the skies.She bent over and took out the broken vodka bottle she had rammed into his stomach and kicked him in the ditch she had dug.By the time she was done,the sun was coming out from behind the trees.She wiped her hands on her clothes and smiled as the morning breeze ruffled her hair.Rufus started barking as he saw her emerging from the forest.'Hey you,'she said as she scratched his ears.'Let's get some breakfast,shall we?'.Rufus whimpered.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

intra-galacular

i'm not sure if thts a word.i dont think it is,but it sounds so cool!:D.neway,i have successfully managed to read Wuthering Heights while i drown my chips ahoy's in milk.yum.

The Colour Red

Venus dripped
and draped of Red

And on it went
Inside her head

The glorious hue
of Fury's glance

Shunned the others
While Fury danced

Seperating contours
Love and hate

Red symbolises all
tis decided fate

Friday, October 21, 2005

haiku-ish

interesting how
ur so uninterested.

shocking how
u just walked past.

and even moreso
tht i walked on too.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Insouciant

my conscience is fighting with me.like hay.tht be uncool.for one,i didnt think i had one.two,i dont think its gonna win.i have too many evils and not enuff good.i feel inferior,negligent and manipulative.i'm jealous of ppl who are amazing with words.i hate tht i dont have wat it takes to make an impact.i hate being busy doing nothing but procrastinating.i'm terrified of wat lies ahead of me.i think i'm finally getting Hub's meaning of being a grown up:Knowing tht ull be lost in the crowd among others just like u.tht ull never rise to become something,to be tht rocketing fireball in the hazy black sky.not tht it bothers me.not in the least.


ouch,pimple dard karta=(

Sunday, October 09, 2005

E(arth) Q(uake)

omg,omg,omg.i dont like my head wen it jhooms yaar.its freakin irritating.thts y i never like sitting on the Pirate Boat,it makes my stomach go flippy-floppy.neway,so i'm lying on my stomach,peacefully(?) sleeping,nd the ground starts to sway.Diabolically.Mockingly.suddenly,my eyes are wide open and i'm luking at the swirling world from a weird angle.i jump up,scream wildly and wrench my door open.fooki opens his door simultaneously,me,him and mom all run out into the garden.i'm like 'shitiahteearthquakesijustuffhatethemyaar'.the quaking isnt so visible nemore,but we're still swaying.we gather around in the lawn chairs,still n shock by wat the hell just happened.my head is still jhoom-ing and i'm still half-stuck in my dream.me and peech sit for a while then trudge back inside.*flop* on our respective beds and we're asleep.we wake up to the CNN reporter aka dad telling us its 7.6 on the Richter Scale.Damn.7.6?Iran disappeared at 6.5.How are we still standing?its general,bemused wondering.other stuff tht bemuses me:
-the birds are still chirping
-its Ramazan
-the sun's still shining,not a cloud in the sky
-i went back to sleep after surviving an earthquake=s
-thts it for now


its bloody hot.nd isloo cenes are horrific.i'm seeing the collapsed building(s) and rubble,but i cant possibly imagine ppl being stuck under all tht.scary hai bohot.nd its RAMAZAN man.wonder how many ppl were fasting.the ones who are stuck in the dark,and the ones who're helping them get out in the blazing Octoboer heat.the gud thing?Pakistan took immediate action.no delays like the Americans during the Katrina.every1 was there to help,civilians,army men,the Prez himself.But it was still so messed up.it still is=s...peech thinks Qayamat's here,nd amma made a gud point of y tht might be true:the tsunami,both hurricanes,earthquakes,land slides in Guatemala.Its scary.and incomprehensible.Death is unbelievably close to all of us.U cud be getting ready for school/college on a perfectly glorious Saturday morning,and next moment,the whole building's on top of yu.=(.meesa dont wanna die.at least,not by a natural disaster.Lord,can u hear me?

Sunday, October 02, 2005

scabs.

the very first chot i remember was wen i was...ummm...7.yea.my memory gets stuck in weird places,i remember the weirdest of things.but thts how far it goes.kher,i fell off haroon's little bike,tht i thought i cud ride cuz i was older,tuffer,stronger.little did i kno,it was a kiddy bike,not as fast as i wanted it to be.i over-accelerate it,it goes skidding down the driveway,with me squealing in delight.driveway khatam ho raha hai,lekin the bike's not stopping.ok,brake,brake,BRAKEEEE!it skids,i topple onto the pavement, on a gloriously sunny summer afternoon.shitbloodow*crying*owowow'saira?!'shitthishurtsHELP.chachoo comes running towards me...'awww zaloo baby,u fell?com ere'.he scoops me off the warm pavement,nd goes inside to clean my wound.its all better,with ointment and bandages.a week l8r,the scab falls off,revealing new,pale skin.i feel protected as i touch the shiny new layer,proud tht my body's white cells haven't let me down.
scabs leave marks on u.the real ones,and the traumatic ones.the ones which have blood and flesh pouring out of em,nd the ones who just stay ingrained in ur memory...forever...the good scabs,the bad ones..so wen u touch them,u either smile,or harden inside.and as we grow up,our scabs grow deeper,other ones take their place,nd we start living in a world of scabs.its all about the scabs i tell u.emotional ya asal.nd the funny thing is,u remember every single one of them.like a scent/accessory/itty bitty thing is person-specific.eyebrow studs r specific to abby.polo blue wala is gul.home-made cookies and monopoly is saif.chai nd kebabs r saba.aromatics elixir is mom.they're all scabs.wen u touch em,the person just apparates into ur mind nd u go 'ooooooh...*smile*'.so yes,wat a wonerful world of scabs we live in:)

Saturday, October 01, 2005

boys r stupid

Woman's Prayer:
Lord, before I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man, who's not a creep; One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's willy is thick and long. One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?" One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin', In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen! I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to shag my best friend. And as I kneel and pray to my bed, I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.



Man's Prayer:
Lord, I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a beer store.

pagal compy

Swift has sailed into his rest.
Savage indignation there
cannot lacerate his breast.
Imitate him if you can,
world-besotted traveler.
He served human liberty.
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry- the best gesture of my brain is less than your eyelids'

kc stories.

shud i be very honest?or over-exaggerate to plz u?i think the former will do.for me at least.its not as bad as i thought it wud be.really nd truly.i havent come across a single lesbian,no hostelite has asked the night guard to sleep with her,nd none of the teachers are hot enuff to make u drool(except one).its oddly peaceful,serene,and HUGE.huge,huge nahin.but quite big all the same.i walk enuff to lose 10 lbs i think.all day,kulsoom nd me play personality games (i've learned quite a lot about myself),gossip about judith mcnaught,i tell her my love life probs,which she finds hilarious and has NO solution to them watsoever hahaha.she's managed to make me attend all the general subs classes,which was weird but i'm thnkful tht we dont have pyscho!rasti nd bano come nd go,drift in and out b/w their frnds.bano's o-b-s-c-e-n-e hahahahah,talking about *ahem* censored stuff a bit too loudly,nd rasti's just rasti.she's been tht for 5 yrs nd i luv her for it:).

other ppl:ayesha,alina,nabiha,mehr and errmm,other ppl who's names i dont remember but kno by face,r also nice.talkable ppl.nabiha's a cutie,she's sucha baybee=D.so technically,i dont have ne grudge against the administration (Ira Hassan's a gem),or the crowd(quite a majority of them kno about kajal),or the canteen food.also,the best thing about it is,i can continue my weirdness there,still be stared at,nd not feel weird!:).like the day i walked around with a hedgehog sticker on my forehead tht popped out of bano's bag.my english teacher was quite quite amused.
Eng Teacher:'What's the deal with tht sticker,Miss Haider?'
Me:'Ummm...i'm fond of stickers....err...on my forehead'
Eng Teacher:'That's very nice.do you have ne plans of removing it out of awkwardness or embarassment?'
Me:*GRINS*'nope!'
Eng Teacher:*chuckle*.'All right then'
(entire class chuckles)
weird-grl-whose-name-i-dont-kno:'Errr...zahra?u have something on ur forhead'*makes weird gestures*
Me:'oh,yeah,i know.*grin*.its a sticker'
weird grl goes all confused,bechari.

or tht other time wen i climbed a magnolia fuscata and tried hanging on its branch.its our spot now.i think kc wud be gr8 in the winters.lying in the yummy dhoop,all the calmness sinking in and settling itself.our visits to some of the odd spots are becoming more frequent.the benches beneath the magnolia fuscata.the water cooler outside the sports centre.the pg block.(tht place is just odd in itself).the bricks wali area outside the reception.there's a tree right in the middle of kc,it luks like snakes are climbing all over it.thts the only tree i was scared to climb.nabiha laffed and laffed and laffed wen i climbed one tho.OH,the lamp posts r nice and square,nd its fun to stand on them too.i got scolded by the gardener.shit!i got scolded the other time too!for littering on the lushly green grass.*blush*.the canteen wala guys r weird.how?they're so FAST with their service.they shud work in McDonald's or something.the one who wears a lab coat (:s) has orange hair,nd doesnt even listen to wat u want,but produces it somehow in a plate neway.the other wala knos i want a creamy pop b4 i can say 'duh'.other than the intense walking,its all gud.the teachers are really nice,LITERATE.surprizing,haina?the human rights course i'm taking is really hot,its like taking law without actually taking law.there's a lot of reading tho *wrinkles nose*.

list of things tht i like about kc:
1.how the trees all have labels on them.
2.the halls r so horizontal.
3.the walls r so high.
4.there's only an hr's class(10 mins r taken up by the attendance list:))
5.its competitive and the grls rnt quite as dull as i thought they wud be.
6.i like the frnds i've made.
7.THEY HAVE CHOCOLATE WALI CREAMY POP *yuuuuuuuum*

draft pad

i think i loved spongebob for all the right reasons.but then again,i think it matters who's wearing him=D(hot dUde no.46).cudnt he just wear *bling bling*?!i mean,no doubt it was written all over his face,but still.OH i have an idea!the stamping thingie tht anam hayat did at the concert?about how if u get two stamps,ur hot?i shud do tht.just go around randomly stamping ppl who i think r hot.WOO hOO!thtd be soooooo much fun!
*rolls on the floor in peals of laughter*imagine the luks on ppl's faces?!?set ho ga kafi.nd the stamp shud be a tweety one,like mine.and abbass,tweety is a HE.a he,he,he.



:p.



now tht i've officially declared the gender of the most adorable cartoon character(Apart frm Bubbles) around,i shall move on.has it ever happened,tht wen u want to be most intelligent,nd give all the right answers,u always turn out being the opp,nd doing the opp??thts exactly wat happened to me the other day.trying to be super-superior with words and overly verbose.*sigh*.nd then i was just stared at.'uhhh...yea.neway' was the reply.
tht never happens!i usually keep my cool man!hello mister,i'm sorry for being so blank nd stupid.i guess i was too busy picking my jaw off the floor wen i saw u,so shut up and talk to me like i'm a normal person.neway.zilch chance tha waisay bhi,i mean,wat was i THInkinG?farigh hona bohot pain in the ass hai waisay.nd taking pics is fun.oh,a word of advice:never pamper ur little brother-it never pays,the asshole forgets it the second u refuse to give ur phone for a txt msg.bc.

mani was right waisay,vanilla bubble baths rnt so bad.apart frm the fact tht food shudnt be made into perfumes/body sprays/bubble baths etc.,etc.,nd ke mujhe bday pe VANILLA sab kuch mila hai (*yuck*),it wasnt so bad.i was about to eat the bubbles haahaahhahahah.LUMs jana feels so desperate bhai.matlab,wannabe-ish.which is exactly wat it is,kamaal made me realise it,i didnt even bother:(.moreso wen i gasp audibly in front of ppl who i thought were cute once-upon-a-time-ago,nd havent seen them in God knos how long,nd then i just c them standing there.i have SOME right to react,haina?so wat if i gasped a bit too loudly than intended hub?i'm eccentric.live with it..so now i hesitate everytime i go there.oddness,oddness,oddness.:(.
u kno wats weird?i never got to like bob dylan,bruce springsteen or bryan adams.all the B's.they're just....weird:s.nd so is tht john denver wala u fill me up with something.aukhay log aur aukhay ganay,its just too much i tell u.now i'm biting my lip cuz there's just so much going in my head tht i havent vented for so long,nd now i'm just blaady confuzid:(

Thursday, September 29, 2005

28-09-05

lacking the ability to think clearly is a mess.an unfair mess.i must do something about my unpermittable procrastination.it is becoming ay payne in thay ass.and abhi college hasnt even properly started!its the first week!THIRD DAY ONLY.suckage.it must go on then i guess.for quite some time.*sigh*.*tiredness seeping in.cranky mood seeping out*.i better sleep b4 i harm some1.

dream

Sheela observed the sea's ferocity from atop a balcony.Her cigarette was at its end,and she tilted her head as she swigged the last of it.Her kohl-rimmed eyes gave away that she was deep in thought.The truth was that she was mesmerized by the violence of the waves crashing onto the shore.Everything shook as the waters leaped out of their proximity.'Wow',Sheela whispered.She inhaled the salty sea air,trying to ingrain the scent in her blood.The cool wind wuffled her long hair so she looked like some model from a Thermasilk ad under the bright silver moon.She smiled to herself,then chuckled inevitably.I think God had conspired against her,because immediately,out of nowhere,it started raining.Sheela's chuckled turned into peals of laughter.She flicked her cigarette onto the beach below and went back inside,the sea roaring away behind her.

(tht was my dream last nite.i also dreamed tht i making pancakes with Mina and Sana Malik:Sssss)

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

the next generation


my nephews and niece were over the other day.they live in England,but come to visit occasionally.the result:they speak urdu,english,punjabi mix:D.they r 3,7 and 11 respectively,are the most adorable things EVER,and i wanna adopt them netime soon.

3 yr old female:
asked 'meesha ye kaun hai?'*points to self* 'mein cute hoon,aur *points at fooki* ye farooq mamoo hai'
'zahra khala ye dekhein!'*blows kiss*
'mujhe new mama chahiye.old mama bohot koji hai'*khekhekhe*
*dances to 'kajra re'*
*make-up lover.applies gloss vigorously*
*screams loudly,contently*
'bachon computer BANND karo,dekho mein dance kar rahi hoon naaaa'
*humming erratic tunes*
'mama mein hungry hoon'
*giggles malevolently*
*sly smirk*
*whips hair to one side*
*gets picture taken*
'aaj mein 3 yrs old ho gayi hoon'
'mujhe kissy chahiye'*pouts*

7 yr old male:
*singing 'run' with me*
helps with chores
has a number of LiveStrong bands=)
*writes my name on my arm*
*draws me a car on rocky mountains*
*dances to Come on England*
'Zahra Khala,ur weird'*embarassed*:D
*laughs at this list*
has clean feet *checks feet*
*whispering secrets*
*reads my mind*
'i have a shirt like tht too!a shirt with a tick on it!'(i.e:nike)

11 yr old male:
*writes DIE on his leg with a pen*
*laughs with ugly teeth*
*prays*
has a discussion with me on DiJal and related stuff
'i like God,but i dont get a lot of stuff'
*plays runescape*
*PS2*
'zahra khala,i'm hungry'
'i'm not wearing shorts!matt dekhein,shame shame hota hai...'
'come to england!'
*does kumon*
*listens to chop suey 24/7*


hahahahahhahaha:D
i LUV them to bitses:D

Saturday, September 03, 2005

All hail Queen Flitsump


whoever sed being a woman is phenomenal deserves a black eye.the agonies of childhood,grlhood,motherhood,then finally grandmotherhood is bloody devastating.ok,u kno wat?this is quite the expansive subject,with shit load of contradictions and i'm just ranting on about out o-so-superior gender and its wonderfullness(*bleh*) cuz of PMS.ignore me.

dont bite,i'm better at it

i think stupidity comes naturally to me.and arrogance.thts not a very good combination,haina?being ignorant,then being deliberately oblivious about it.thus starts the KC interview story.i was sitting quietly,reading 'Tess of the D'Urbervilles' by thomas hardy,when they called me in first.i've decided i hate journalism and nething related to it.not only tht,i applied in the 2 hardest majors,plus i forgot to apply thru Dramatics.i was stuttering for God's sake!i NEVER stutter.i wasnt even nervous,just shit bored with the entire ordeal.my mind was completely blank and i literally blinked dumbly every time they asked me a question.Gaza evacuation,global warming,london bombings,conservation of water and electricity,my fav author.i cudnt even answer 'my fav author' q!i mean GOD.theek hai,i dont have a fav author,but did i have to say J.K.Rowling?is it my fault tht i had just finished Potter boy yesterday nd tht there was nothing inside my haed except Dumbledore's tomb?i hate CNN.theek hai,its prob the second channel i watch most apart frm Mtv,but i dont pay attention all the time *blush* (dont tell my dad).i didnt really intend to screw up u kno.But it happened and i was labelled 'stupid' after the first 10 words tht came out of my mouth.*sigh*.so yes,tonight,i plan to chew my lip till it bleeds.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

on change

sitting in my comfortable abode,i stared out of the window at the thunderstorm howling at me.Not a long while ago,even the thought of rain made me squeal with delight.moving to Pakistan had some advantages,and one of them was i cud have the thunderstorms all to myself.i was never the person who sang 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' or 'Rain rain go away' in kindergarden.i never matched my gloominess with the dreary weather.So in short,condensed drops of water always fascinated me.


Not today.


today i sit inside,listening to my playlist and sipping tea.Today,i think this world is fani.nothing stays in its original state.people,situations,finances,greenery,chocolate.they change...everything changes....
People are deceitful,untrue and just plain mean.i'm collecting the past in my hands,in my thoughts and on my page to try and c wat exactly goes wrong and where.wat disintegrates ppl to come to a point where they feel horribly insignificant and perpetually depressed?the absenceof thought or the thought of absence?the inevitability of growing up?knowing tht u can never scream needlessly again,never bounce in ur grandpa's lap again,never have the tooth fairy visit u just one last time,or tht ur never gonna blow bubbles in the lazy mid-summer sunshine.suckage this growing up.to conform with society is wat we're supposed to do.Unwillingly.Forcefully.this is wat i dont get which leads me to be a 'rebel without a cause'.Not just me.almost every1 i kno around me is a rebel in one way or another.the fact tht it is absolutely necessary for society to accept us is driving me crazy.for we all must change who we are to be accepted.we must comply to the norms,stay inside the line,go not astray.i envy those who have it easy.for those who comply willingly,blindly,almost instantly.those who dont have to hink twice about wat is right,wat is wrong,bcuz for them,it has already been decided.for them,change is nothing.they simply go with the flow and live somewat contently,if i may say so.it is the unfortunate ones like me who stop midway in the maddening crowd....stop to think...wat do i want?how will obeying society help me? wats life like if i turn around in this herd of conformists and walk the other way?


thts the moment u realize uve found urself.ur destiny.its all urs,and it cant be taken away.u stare at the sun tht was first shining on ur back,but is now smiling in ur face.u struggle thru the crowd.sure,ull get shoved,gali-o-fyed,maybe even trampled,but once u get to the end,its success.ur success.u smile at the just-deserted land,and make necessary preperations to build ur own world,away from society,from norms and conservative beliefs.where you never have to change.who knows,ppl in the herd might realize ur missing and come luking for u,only to be inspired by the magnificent empire u built for only ur thoughts and beliefs to reside.


i open the front door and a gush of wet wind makes me squint.i hear the dripping and splattering of the rain as i go nearer and nearer to it.i smile as i stretch out nd my hand goes wet.Thnk God,some things never change=)

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

wat documents we need

There is no bigger turn on than a skinny guy in a lawrencepur suit..*dreamy sigh*.thus,the mini-billboards tht line Hussain Chowk are divine.there’s no better time of the day than gazing at the heavenly Adonises while ur driving towards the hell hole a.k.a Liberty.Moving on,I think I’ll wear orange on my wedding day,given its gone be quite the soon.i have never luked tang-ier *GRIN*.its nice wen ur the lightbulb out of them all.
Its unbelievable how doctors kno how to dance.quite frankly,I expected them to have a zilch life (including luks,personality and choice in glasses).it wasn’t tht bad on the whole tho. I think I’m finally learning the importance of family relations and how close the yshud be/are.i’ve very rarely felt at home orr as relaxed as I was today.plus all my frnds are leaving…I need something to cling to…more l8r(Holy Mount CrushFlip)

jhoom

Its 12:56am and I’m feeling highly nostalgic for a life I used to live…for ppl I used to kno…for stuff I used to do…for the person I used to be.i’m inspired.in a awkward,almost plagiarist manner.i’m gutted,morose nd speechless at the happenings around me.now tht everything is over,my life seems like the rubble on the Ground Zero site after 9/11.i was just wondering…languorous is such a pretty word…the letters wrap snugly around ur tongue.

Today,I got to know at Medusa felt like. Except my snakes were made of rubber and were red n yellow heh.but now I feel like Mary Antoinette with my hair all glossily curled nd I don’t wanna wash em.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

bronze skin nd cinnamon tanz

i'm taking out my anger by squashing flies.*SPLAT*.ugly,black things tht can fly.I wanna fly.go to london.be fweeeeeee.hub (unbelievably so) hs a 3 yr old bro.he's 3!hub's gonna infect his mind,poor thing:).Vine asked me once,dont u feel awkward tht every1 can read into u?it does vine,but i welcome comments,so its not so bad.


i went to Old Lhr(read Heera Mandi) the other day.i'm so connected with the place its not even funnny.Saba thought i went to fill an application form,bitch:D.neway,dad's right.we have no culture,unlike the hindus.just surly,greasy men luking for fresh meat.but i still like it i guess.i'm going to go again,this time at night.Hub sed there are gorjus grls there.i have yet to c those however.i pasted my face at the car window(wsnt allowed out.sad no?),fascinated by all the sights nd smells.crusty men glard at me with some incredulity.thos,supposedly,who cudnt afford a pross,nd luked hungrily at nething with long hair nd threaded eyebrows(even khussras,mind u).there wasnt a single woman in sight,tho yaar.i was quite the depressed.o,well.there's always next time.Tis charsi central tho.badminton,ne1?

fix jorself

the sun is shining
the moon is blue

luk at me
and i'll luk at u.

embrace my scrawny pleas
nd temptations wild enuff to fly

guard my perturbed pertness
and sensual....shower gel.

i am in dire need
of a foolish lover

such as urself

she thinks she's a star...

i have 'Difficult Child' written all over me.i'm trying to find solace in everything:religion,night,tears,cooking.even grape juice.nothing works.i've lost all desires,lost the need to feel.its such a melancholy thought.my best frnd is moving forever to Dubai in less than a month.i dont care.my mom is sick all the friggin time.i dont care.i still havent decided my career.i really dont care.good kid gone wrong?possibly.i cant change again tho.i've changed too many times.my faith and morals r so wisted.fucking dillusional world.nd my upbringing is something of the past.i cudnt care less.

stay clear from this danger zone.

it all adds up

the eyes are broken
yet the soul is healed


the quilt is woven
and the air is sealed


cumbersome love
and consummate hate.


tiredness and
yellow boxes full of fate


tnging temptation
sleepless night


numb with cold
bitter celestial light


no this never stops
life.it never ends.

non

God is my sympathy partner.He pats my back while i grieve at my greivances.i dont even feel the need to talk:)


wats the deal with runaway brides btw?is it a trend?julia roberts ne kya kar liya,saray kar rahe hain...kelly clarkson,mariah carey,M.J...i'll be doing it soon..


so me n manno stood on the rain with our mouths open luking towards the sky.i dont remember ever being so connected with her b4.there we were,just standing,rain pattering down on our face.it was one of those moments u luv remembering wen ur too old/sophisticated to do ne of tht stuff.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Black Coffin

wat do you do wen death is THISCLOSE?wen its breathing down ur neck,sending goosebumps all over you?wen all u want is ur life back in the safe clutch of ur hands?i wud want to do something at tht moment.wen i kno tht 'ok,this is the end,i've done wat i came for,now they want me back...'...but at the same time i'll be thinking...'i dont want to gooo.....'


i know wat i'll do.i'll cry at my helplessness.i'll remember the first rose i picked,the first ice cream i had,my parents,my first kiss,my first flu,my first baby,my first everything.then my last everything.one by one.all the memories.i will hold on to whoever's holding my hand at tht particular moment,nd let go the next......





*i am eternal*

wen all else fails,seek refuge in God

thts exactly wat i did today.one 18 yr old sitting amongst ten 50+ ladies.trying to be on my best behaviour,trying not to look bored,nd also trying to amuse myself with ten different convos going on.but how long can u amuse urself with talks about 'mera beta bahir parhta hai','kitni fresh lag rahi ho!' and fake laffter?


not very long.


stifling yawn upon yawn upon yawn,i gaze at the decorations.suchay festive occassion this dholki is.where its fashionable for young girls not to recite the Holy Quran and for aunties to raucously claim tht they're still young at heart.the hostess guided me out of 'aunty island' and into the 'larkiyon ka lagoon'.only there were none.just my boring 15 yr old neighbour who brought in a kid(fat and curly haired) to keep me company.nice.not.

so all else failed and i prayed.as in,namaz wala prayed.wasnt so bad really.

Monday, July 11, 2005

right back at-cha

now I'M gonna try and figure out wat is (in fact) going on *sir mumtaz*.lets list some of ur....err....traits...
1)retrospective
2)secular
3)painstaking in keeping ur image:'i'm cool,nd i dont need recognition,altho i'd appreciate some'

not as noxious as i thought u wud be,or u might want to be.fallacious about thyself,yet have tendencies to....umm...care.i'm using big words,yet i am making sense.even to myself.:p.however,i am still dubious about ur sincerity.and i say all this while i cut my nails square (just to c wat they luk like),and listen to elvis presley,so dont take nething too seriously.its just...an observation,maybe not a very gud one,but its all u can get with only exACTLY 5 min to talk with ur mum yelling in the background.i need a shave.cheers.

Friday, July 01, 2005

*sigh*

die motherfucker,die.i'm not even allowed to dream nemore cuz of u,u bastard.now wats left of me is wat i pretend to be.y?y?y?y?why?Why?WHY?
its not fair.its just not bloody fucking fair.ek dafa haath tou aa jayay,i'm ready to kill.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

imagine

Marium's back.and i cant stop laughing at my stupidity.
hahahahahhahahhahahahhahahaaahhahaha.Z's score on the loser board:3,571.hahahhahahahaha.
i read folklore.paki folklore.quite cool.waisay,listening to Surah Rehman has a v.calming effect.Highly recommended to all.Hey,i'm not trying to be a religious fanatic or something,i'm NETHING but religious.however,i think its time i try reconnecting with thy Lord.He misseth me.

wat other stuff have i been noticing?Ah yes.the pattern of my quilt,the smell of phenyle and how we take lots of stuff for granted.saba says i'm turning out to be like Gandhi(HAHA) but watever.

dots nd tiny mirrors.

28-06-05


So here we are....again....I'm sitting in Siddiqa Aunty's somewhat raggedy room,having forgotten my journal nd dictionary at home in attempts to please my parents.'You never hang out with OUR friends...'.

sure.watever.

Observed the purple night sky with shades of silver.Tis wuz gorjuss.There's solace in the icky sticky garmi.'Blue Orchid' is going on & on in my head.On nd on.Round and round.Freakier video i have not seen,freakier video ther has not been.

It was funny mom trying to explain bowling to Siddiqa Aunty.and in 'exumption' a word?hahahahhaha.Sheeda doth cool name haha.have a plan for a midnight masquerade with dude and saba.lets c wat happens.mozez left for england *sob sob*.nd my contacts hurt.I ate peaches today.'Peaches'.aaaaaaaaaaahahahahahhaha.Ah,rub a dub foo.the patchwork rug is calling out to me.i'm collecting gruesome images frm the newspaper so i can do my room,but its so damn hot i havent even started.i want to make videos for 'The Blower's Daughter' and 'Walking'.i have perfect locales for them too.have to find the perfect people tho...hmmm....

'-'

27-05-06

Today was fun.went shadi shopping and played with Maiya's pregnant tummy.it was nice bonding with family for once.she told me all sorts of stories about the baby and now i'm ultra-fascinated by pregnancy too.listening to her answering my baby qs nd watching reruns of Rachel being pregnant 53 million time made me intrigued.i think thts my major prob.i'm ultra-fascinated by everything.i started singing to Maiya's stomach,hoping it would kick or something but i think its following family tradition in their 'lets hate Zahra Khala' regime.
So my back hurts like fuck nd i feel like a C&B style chicken cheese shaVARMA.waisay murree would be so much fun if we went.stupid dholkis.*grrr*

icky sticky garmi *nauseous*

the men of this house.*tsk tsk*.so zahra's is heaven.i think i'll move there.in addition to a wonderfully luxurious bedroom,z makes waffles at 3am,along with cheese sticks nd chocolate cake.it's purely addictive i tell you.OH!i forgot to mention ze PEECKLES:D.i almost polished off the jar.yup.i think i'm moving in.wat else?not a lot.kuttay summers.not really intrigued by nething other than hub's posts,orkut and family dinners (which are all on the same level of boredom,so dont get too flattered rub a dub;))

Saturday, June 25, 2005

bang,scratch,zip

there is no good in life.if ur happy for the moment,the bad's just waiting to happen.my life doesnt revolve around him,she's got it wrong.just bcuz i'm sarri hui ALL THE FREAKIN TIME doesnt mean she has to emphasize stuff i dont want to hear.i have other worries.undisclosable.but it doesnt matter,cuz she doesnt care.hell,no one does.and again,as Mani says o-so-fondly,'ur a nutcase,Z'.

Almost dead.almost.i just stare into unkempt oblivion,15,000 thoughts merging into one so i'm not focused nemore.i'm just staring.with half-closed eyes and an unruly mind.i want it back,but i cant have it.i dreamt about micheal caine all night yesterday.was he in 'jaws II,The Revenge' with watshername hindi actress?no?i thought so.

Japanese Booty

went to 89 tralalala.i wants to Djs some day.it was nice.Bass is a wonderful sweetheart.I'm feeling hungry and wondering y Kamil uses 'spastic' so much.i mean,if u spastic,ur spastic,rite?Kamiloo is a foo.nd a moo.Staywimeeeee.

swimming.fun fun fun.its a wonderful way to spend some quality time with thyself.got tired after an hour tho,so i spent the rest of my time floating on the edge,testing wat my sucked-in stomach luks like nd watching the kissies scream 'RAADY STAADY AAPPLE GO!'quite thay...ummm...playsent site...

how indian heroes manage to fly in the air mid-fight is beyond me.i wanna fly too.mid-fight.

remember how i mentioned my new-found fascination for skinned chickens?keep in mind NEVER to tell ur mom about ne food experience u have.so here i am,trying to be all friendly,sharing my newly developed musingsof skinned chicken to my dear,nonchalant mother.As i finished my skinned chicken story,she was so kind as to hand me one and say 'Ae le phar....tou enoo' in crispy clean Punjabi.needless to say,i wash a pretty gud chicken.i think i'll cook all weekend.yummy stuff.nd every1's invited....yay!

sangini diamond.i want a tattoo on my neck.

*yawn*

Monday, June 20, 2005

la-whore

lahore is cultured.cultuRAL.i went to drop off Maryam at Temple Road,where stupid Rasti lives at the edge of the world,nd goddamnit,every single brick there has a STORY.tauba i was so inspired.i wanna go trekking in the Old City.in the day time.sweat,blood nd glory all in one.wat does saira talk about of pk being a third world country?does she have all i have?the sights,sounds,smells?no.i do.nd they're gorjus.yes,hub,i find stuff like this gorjus.i find the narrow muddy alley leading to a humongous house intriguing.the kulfa walas nd rabri doodh shops fascinate me.as do hanging skinned chickens nd tired mazdoors on bikes.i'm gonna talk to the road.to the ridiculously high wall of the Brit Counc.to the rabri doodh wala(maybe i'll bump a free glass;)).
another thing tht mesmerized me was the way the culture transformed as i went down the road.it was replaced by glass windows,white split acs nd big billboards with neon lights tht burnt ur eyes.english words written in urdu so 'Y S' became 'vai ess'.apollo became 'apaalo'.adore became 'aydoor'.same cultural ppl selling foreign stuff.day by day,we're being forced into a little glass box,where every1 has to have a such and such status,has to be materialistic,has to have EVERYthing.fake plastic world with all its confinements.petty fusses.stupid norms.nd the sad part,inevitable is more like it,is tht we're a part of it all.And we dont feel guilty about it.we go on wanting,desiring,repairing our crookedly fixed smiles and living wat we like to call life.but its lifeless really.*sigh*....fait accompli...

Saturday, June 18, 2005

*shrug*

isnt night meant for sleeping?isnt the bed supposed to be ur comfortable abode?it's the opp for me.not tht i sleep properly in the daytime either,but still.o,nd i sleep on the floor better.Hmmm.i shud study 19th Century Romanticismturning out to be like Pegeen Mike rnt we?desperate desire for some action in her life,eh?

i have also decided tht i like straightfwd ppl.no wait,i take tht back.I wud hate it if some1 called me a peanut-calorie.they get away with 'dumb blonde' cuz...well...first of all,i'm not literally a blonde,i'm a brunette:p.secondly,i'm a lot smarter than ppl wud generally think i am.just cuz i light up like a bulb in 2 secs flat doesnt really mean i'm an airhead(altho i do a pretty gud impression of it).

Mercury gel pen?i found tht song i was luking for.its 'galvanize' by the chem bros.i also saw The Amityville Horror.all thse bloody movies are making me luk for stuff in places there is absolutely nothing to luk for.*grrrr*.i'm not sure if i want to be nominated for the Oscars nemore either.i'll have to give a thnk u speech (is tht wat its called?) nd I really dont have ne1 to thnk.ok,no i do,but then other ppl will be left out,so....neway.

is wat u dont c (skin-wise) really sexier?hmmm....i'll need some male opinions on tht.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

all of em

my Pain's on display.nd the funny thing is,its coloured.i'm going to go over all the colours of my Pain,tht way i might be able to understand wat its all about too...where to start tho?ah.red...the colour of anguish...ferocity...but also of shame and humiliation.Red being a very loyal frnd to me...helped me swim thru the shit i was almost never able to get out of.
blue....my pensive,intelligent blue.
blue is wen ur thoughtful.blue is deep.by the end of it,ur so deep in thought,uve walked so far away frm where u started,u just dont remember wat you wanted to resolve in the first place.blue clouds ur vision of the clear decision u can make....so much so tht u dont want to make it nemore...let's be indecisive for once,shall we?let's c wat life wants to do if i dont steer it properly.Ah,but wats life without the blue/glum status?=)
Purple is my jaan.mysterious.dodgy.an 'i've-got-a-secret' colour.no one can tell wats behind those shining eyes,or y ur smiling tht sneaky smile.you're the know-it-all,even if for the moment.purple has the ultimate balance and grace.bas.
Grey is gorgeously disturbing.think of a landscape with no end,cowering under a dismal grey sky.and ur standing alone,next to a withered tree,on an earthy floor full of cracks.its just u nd the sky...no ifs,no buts...flat out confrontation.escape it while u can,cuz no one likes confrontations.
pink is warm and fuzzy.genteel and poised.hmm.tht colour seldom comes up...not entirely surprised tho.whoever thought i was genteel must be shot in the ear,please.wish it did come up more often...its nice to be lady like,no?

Black.

the favourite of favourites.the trademark of pain.its the most frequently used colour...symbolising agony,ignorance,denial.gloom.dread.go away,ur bothering me.black is immortal.never-ending.so wen i think of him,i'll think of black.cuz everything fits perfectly in the making of out centralised world of thought,and he is my immortal.but not for long.*grim*.
Orange is blinding with all its brightness.a bulb flashing in ur face.screaming,enjoying every single experience,not a slightest care about wats going on.Hm.there shud more orange.Orange,orange,orange,orange.There.fair enuff.
Green is lush with envy.Daggers in its eyes...oh if luks cud kill...Deliciously malicious and artfully trecherous.*sigh*.so this is the evil colour now,eh?bad green with its dirty thoughts.Sad its etched in my memory...cant get rid of it...

White....pristine...emotionally defunct...reconciled to the world around it.Desensitized(mani word,haha=)).the 'I've-tried-nd-failed-to-change-nething' colour.i understand,white,love,i really do.but is there nething we can do about it?no there isnt.so shut up and stay put.




i give my Pain final look,content filling me.i guess i'll go on colouring...pasting...i havent understood it completely,but i think i'll come to terms with it neway.It is time.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

i saw 'the motorcycle diaries' aaj.as in,20 mins ago.i can't say its changed me,but its put me thinking.first of all,i absolutely LOVED the cinematography.nature has always had tht alluring nd charismatic pull for me...so thts wat sorta kept me put thruout.secondly,it was about che!ok,every1 in the world knos about che except me,every1 in the world has somewat an idea wat politics r,wats communism,facism...the works...except me...now,my goal for the summer,is read,read,read,read.i'm going to find out all about these stupidly famous ppl who i've heard about a lot,but rarely refer to (lady godiva,mary antoinette,che guevara,karl marx) blah blah.o,also,learn about crazy theories nd try to understand y so many ppl believe in various stuff.tht includes all religions,all music,various theatres nd well...lots of other stuff.its gud to have a general IQ sometimes....especially if i want to try out debating...

nd i want to try out the political compass thing again...NO ONE seems to be an authoritarian except me!!!nd thts not very good is it?every other person is a left-liberist or a centrist...kher.the site's not opening,so i'm not too happy:S....

sad blog?SCREW YOU SAIF!:D

Saturday, June 04, 2005

i like to feel words as i write them down.thts y its necessary to have a nice pen/pencil.feeling words is important.wat use is there to write if you dont feel the words?

huh?

so met up with dude today.wasnt all tht pleasant.*sigh*.u kno how its hard to face guilt?my guilt comes in the form of dude.nd he just wudnt let go.i kno he misses me,but guilt hugging u is NOT a pleasant feeling.i cudnt even say nething...i didnt even talk..he asked me this one question,'r u happy?'.nd i just sat.nd thought.i wasnt sure i'm happy,can u imagine tht?i wasnt sure if i'm happy with the way my life's going...with nething...

he luked at me,nd i cud tell...this is one person who loves me...really really does...i'm not sure if i c tht luk in gul's eyes...i mean,if i do,i dont remember it,he's largely responsible for tht,not meeting up for a month.'i will forget all the things tht we sed.all the tears tht we bled,all the joy tht we cried,all the hurt inside,all the emptiness...all the unspoken words...nd all the pain...nd everything....till i forget everything'.

i was smelling of dude cuz he missed me so much.nd u kno wat i did?came home nd washed him off.trying to baptize myself...but the smell didnt go away...the guilt clinged to me...just shows i'm never to be free again.might as well live with it while i can...c,wen i smell of gul,its reassuring.it brings about calm.but i'm not sure if i want to feel calm nemore either....this is confusing...

Friday, June 03, 2005

get off the phone,sistah

i had non-fat yoghurt today.it was....*bleh*.u wanna know wat else is *bleh*?daal without tarka.i've lost my yellow diary nd i'm terribly scared of it being published.it was a bad diary.BAD diary.i think i need to sleep.over-sleep is more like it.'over-sleepers anonymous'.haha.crap,crap,crappity,crap.

i feel like such a hypocrite sometimes,having coldplay in my dp,maroon 5 in my nick,nd bloc party banging against my ear drums.strange,no?vary ishtrange.

aaj kuton ki tarhan hum teeno so rahe thay.sax mahol tha,but it seemed oddly peaceful.just the 3 of us lying there...tired...content...at our most vulnerable.sabby needs to take care of her cleavage tho haHA!;)

more l8r.

i had like....3 slices of pizza.....felt like 15...gawd,fatness supreme eh?i feel like puking now.
also,i wud like to add,tht all chappals hate me.ALL of em.i think my bathroom slippers forged together the little army thts SO adamant on being lost wen i need them,making me trip over them,nd making me fall wen i actually do get a chance to wear them.*hmph*.dumb bathroom slippers.I DONT LIKE U EITHER!UR NOT PINK ND FLUFFY!UR BLAND ND SOPORIFIC!

nyeh.

normal

bloody solitary confinement.isnt tht all i need to stay content?y am i so low then?i need an adrenaline rush,i need someone to make me believe tht life is indeed beautiful.tht i shudnt throw it away by bonding with cigarette butts in my bathroom.i need to feel...y am i not feeling nemore?its sickening to live nd not be able to feel.to have all five senses functioning accurately nd still feel stodgy.
i've resorted to stoicism.partly,neway.i still complain a lot and my mood swings fluctuate uncontrollably,but i'm still stoic.indifferent is more like it.life's lost its charm.why tho?and at 18?i'll kill myself by the time i'm 27 then,the monotony wud be too much for me to handle.life's supposed to be all sunshine nd colours nd hope nd surprises.not this.this is......blank.

umm

i make boxes around my words.i'm trapped.

i can hear him bellowing thru the closed doors nd the closed heart.i cant really get him out of my system can i?i'm him.he's me.yet we're so different.at least i'd like to think so.i'm much more considerate,much more sarcastic and a lot more smarter than he is.the shadow of his form approaches,then goes away.i guess thts y i hate him so much,cuz i AM him.but i hate dogmatism.i hate the stuff he imposes.he hasnt set a good example,so y bother?i understand tht he's my father,he provides.but isnt tht it?of COURSE thts it.sure he lets me do watever i want,but thts only cuz he KNOS he cant stop me.i'll find another way,like i always do....

i'm disturbed at the wrong moment.damn it.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

random

I missed the good part of a real life.I started looking for excuses.The glorious feeling of you hair flying...on wings of its own..Little experiences matter so much.*achoo*.The thing is,I dont really know what to write abuot but I feel like writing,so I'll just write randomly.Blue is a massive colour.Its also gorgeous.So is teal.*humming*.I'm being watched.I hate being observed.You know you're being torn to shreds...stripped...I hate being embarassed.I want to suck in my tummy.Will I get a C grade average?*biting nail*.Ok,let's write something on experiences.

They mould you.Create YOU.Not anyone else,but they define your individuality.Whether its catching a rain drop or playing with your remote control.You create a special bond with the most insignificant things.You learn to live and tolerate the world around you.And then you can't live without living.Its fun.Influential.Unforgettable.I'm being watched again.*grrr*.

How mean...

I patrol my house in the dark,marvelling at the beauty of shadows.i,forever nocturnal,forever insomniac.I saunter aimlessly feeling the warmth of the cold,enveloping darkness.The single orange light that provides luminosity to the entire downstairs portion is miraculously dim. I stare at the leaves outside my window gleaming in the wan moonlight .Not a sound can be heard from outside,let alone inside.
Desperate to feel,I run upstairs,in hope of witnessing any sign of life to amuse me for the fleeting moment.And yet again I encounter the same darkness,crude and unnatural.I switch on the lights;maybe the still and organized objects adorning the room will spring to life,welcome me into their passive world and whisper unknown tales into my ear.

Nothing.

The light is annoyingly radiant,i switch it off before anything actually does come alive.And then there is an unnervy calm in that crude darkness.A subtle understanding,a mutual agreement between me and him.He agrees to swallow my innermost doubts,fears and insecurities.To hide them within his innumerable folds of black,never to be revealed.I allow him to giggle at my adolescent thinking,as long as he doesnt giggle in my face.I in turn agree to keep all the secrets he keeps a secret.Its none of my business knowing anyways,just that he trusts me enough to share it all.We chat for about half an hour more,and all through this time I realize how wise he is.How much he knows.And I realize,with a slight twinge of jealousy,that he's being shared,that he's had this chat with so many other angst-ridden people before me,for why else would he know all that he knows?My companion in the stoic world of today.MY secret keeper.
How foolosh I was to be scared of him.How stupid of me to think he'll swallow me and chew me and spit me out before I could blink.And in a way,he does swallow me and chew me and spit me out.He gulps all my miseries and agonies and lonliness,and spits me out.I'm clean,empty again,baptized,hollow inside.Only to come back tomoroow with more food for him.
I sigh at this and eventually do turn on the light to glare at the mirror.I'm astonished to see that I don't recognize the girl staring back at me.How the years chagne you.My every action,I recall,was purely out of instinct.Am I to be blamed for acting on my instincts?Is it my fault?I didn't even plan this....any of this.I didn;t plan the life I'm leading,didn't think before I made friends with people I'm hanong out with now,didnt expect to do so badly in school.Back and forth,back and forth,thoughts flodd my head,incidents churn my insides.I have no regrest.About anything.How would I be the person I am today if I didnt do any of the stuff I've done?Not to say I'm a brilliant person (all of us have out tragic flaws),but I'm reasonably sane.I'm independent to make my own choices,plan my future.The way I want it to be.I'm proud of myself sometimes,like when I succeed in transferring a song to Complan over the net,or dust my room complete with wood polish and glass cleanser,or am worthy enough to be a shoulder to so many people.I consider myself lucky,blessed,when people come to me to feel good about themselves or let out all thats inside.But then where's my shoulder when I need a good cry?Where is everyone when I'm emotionally drained and my heart is bleeding with remorse?Through my eyes,I see my past,which was steady,unmovable.I hold on to her and she stretches out her hand assuringly.My future may be bleak,but if I learn from Zahra Past,it might turn out just ok...
I explain all this to y mirror,and you know what she does?Raises her eyebrows sympathetically,shrugs,and walks away.How mean....I grumble while crawling into bed...how inconsiderately mean..

Monday, May 30, 2005

dim

little white house
little dark alley

crimson shades of the sky
bluish tinge of the pond

grass green with envy
the sun pale with remorse

duck behind the ravishing light
and cower against its universality

while you yourself are so dim
so dim...

Sunday, April 24, 2005

:)

i can smell you in my hair
taste you on my tongue

feel you on my palm
see you in my lucid dreams

hear your whisper in the dark
touch your warmth in the cold

i can hold your pain in my heart
i can be your shoulder

i really,truly can:)

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

We'll hide in a corner

We’ll hide in a corner
And no one has to know

We’ll count the stars
And the ants below

We’ll sing songs by the fire
And make angels in the snow

I’ll make you cookies
And warm milk to go

We’ll walk against the wind
And watch the flowers grow

We’ll lie in the afternoon sun
And I can stroke your brow

We’ll hold hands secretly
Never to let go

I’ll smile and cling to you
You’ll smile and say ‘I love you so’

So let’s hide in a corner
And no one has to know