Thursday, June 30, 2005

imagine

Marium's back.and i cant stop laughing at my stupidity.
hahahahahhahahhahahahhahahaaahhahaha.Z's score on the loser board:3,571.hahahhahahahaha.
i read folklore.paki folklore.quite cool.waisay,listening to Surah Rehman has a v.calming effect.Highly recommended to all.Hey,i'm not trying to be a religious fanatic or something,i'm NETHING but religious.however,i think its time i try reconnecting with thy Lord.He misseth me.

wat other stuff have i been noticing?Ah yes.the pattern of my quilt,the smell of phenyle and how we take lots of stuff for granted.saba says i'm turning out to be like Gandhi(HAHA) but watever.

dots nd tiny mirrors.

28-06-05


So here we are....again....I'm sitting in Siddiqa Aunty's somewhat raggedy room,having forgotten my journal nd dictionary at home in attempts to please my parents.'You never hang out with OUR friends...'.

sure.watever.

Observed the purple night sky with shades of silver.Tis wuz gorjuss.There's solace in the icky sticky garmi.'Blue Orchid' is going on & on in my head.On nd on.Round and round.Freakier video i have not seen,freakier video ther has not been.

It was funny mom trying to explain bowling to Siddiqa Aunty.and in 'exumption' a word?hahahahhaha.Sheeda doth cool name haha.have a plan for a midnight masquerade with dude and saba.lets c wat happens.mozez left for england *sob sob*.nd my contacts hurt.I ate peaches today.'Peaches'.aaaaaaaaaaahahahahahhaha.Ah,rub a dub foo.the patchwork rug is calling out to me.i'm collecting gruesome images frm the newspaper so i can do my room,but its so damn hot i havent even started.i want to make videos for 'The Blower's Daughter' and 'Walking'.i have perfect locales for them too.have to find the perfect people tho...hmmm....

'-'

27-05-06

Today was fun.went shadi shopping and played with Maiya's pregnant tummy.it was nice bonding with family for once.she told me all sorts of stories about the baby and now i'm ultra-fascinated by pregnancy too.listening to her answering my baby qs nd watching reruns of Rachel being pregnant 53 million time made me intrigued.i think thts my major prob.i'm ultra-fascinated by everything.i started singing to Maiya's stomach,hoping it would kick or something but i think its following family tradition in their 'lets hate Zahra Khala' regime.
So my back hurts like fuck nd i feel like a C&B style chicken cheese shaVARMA.waisay murree would be so much fun if we went.stupid dholkis.*grrr*

icky sticky garmi *nauseous*

the men of this house.*tsk tsk*.so zahra's is heaven.i think i'll move there.in addition to a wonderfully luxurious bedroom,z makes waffles at 3am,along with cheese sticks nd chocolate cake.it's purely addictive i tell you.OH!i forgot to mention ze PEECKLES:D.i almost polished off the jar.yup.i think i'm moving in.wat else?not a lot.kuttay summers.not really intrigued by nething other than hub's posts,orkut and family dinners (which are all on the same level of boredom,so dont get too flattered rub a dub;))

Saturday, June 25, 2005

bang,scratch,zip

there is no good in life.if ur happy for the moment,the bad's just waiting to happen.my life doesnt revolve around him,she's got it wrong.just bcuz i'm sarri hui ALL THE FREAKIN TIME doesnt mean she has to emphasize stuff i dont want to hear.i have other worries.undisclosable.but it doesnt matter,cuz she doesnt care.hell,no one does.and again,as Mani says o-so-fondly,'ur a nutcase,Z'.

Almost dead.almost.i just stare into unkempt oblivion,15,000 thoughts merging into one so i'm not focused nemore.i'm just staring.with half-closed eyes and an unruly mind.i want it back,but i cant have it.i dreamt about micheal caine all night yesterday.was he in 'jaws II,The Revenge' with watshername hindi actress?no?i thought so.

Japanese Booty

went to 89 tralalala.i wants to Djs some day.it was nice.Bass is a wonderful sweetheart.I'm feeling hungry and wondering y Kamil uses 'spastic' so much.i mean,if u spastic,ur spastic,rite?Kamiloo is a foo.nd a moo.Staywimeeeee.

swimming.fun fun fun.its a wonderful way to spend some quality time with thyself.got tired after an hour tho,so i spent the rest of my time floating on the edge,testing wat my sucked-in stomach luks like nd watching the kissies scream 'RAADY STAADY AAPPLE GO!'quite thay...ummm...playsent site...

how indian heroes manage to fly in the air mid-fight is beyond me.i wanna fly too.mid-fight.

remember how i mentioned my new-found fascination for skinned chickens?keep in mind NEVER to tell ur mom about ne food experience u have.so here i am,trying to be all friendly,sharing my newly developed musingsof skinned chicken to my dear,nonchalant mother.As i finished my skinned chicken story,she was so kind as to hand me one and say 'Ae le phar....tou enoo' in crispy clean Punjabi.needless to say,i wash a pretty gud chicken.i think i'll cook all weekend.yummy stuff.nd every1's invited....yay!

sangini diamond.i want a tattoo on my neck.

*yawn*

Monday, June 20, 2005

la-whore

lahore is cultured.cultuRAL.i went to drop off Maryam at Temple Road,where stupid Rasti lives at the edge of the world,nd goddamnit,every single brick there has a STORY.tauba i was so inspired.i wanna go trekking in the Old City.in the day time.sweat,blood nd glory all in one.wat does saira talk about of pk being a third world country?does she have all i have?the sights,sounds,smells?no.i do.nd they're gorjus.yes,hub,i find stuff like this gorjus.i find the narrow muddy alley leading to a humongous house intriguing.the kulfa walas nd rabri doodh shops fascinate me.as do hanging skinned chickens nd tired mazdoors on bikes.i'm gonna talk to the road.to the ridiculously high wall of the Brit Counc.to the rabri doodh wala(maybe i'll bump a free glass;)).
another thing tht mesmerized me was the way the culture transformed as i went down the road.it was replaced by glass windows,white split acs nd big billboards with neon lights tht burnt ur eyes.english words written in urdu so 'Y S' became 'vai ess'.apollo became 'apaalo'.adore became 'aydoor'.same cultural ppl selling foreign stuff.day by day,we're being forced into a little glass box,where every1 has to have a such and such status,has to be materialistic,has to have EVERYthing.fake plastic world with all its confinements.petty fusses.stupid norms.nd the sad part,inevitable is more like it,is tht we're a part of it all.And we dont feel guilty about it.we go on wanting,desiring,repairing our crookedly fixed smiles and living wat we like to call life.but its lifeless really.*sigh*....fait accompli...

Saturday, June 18, 2005

*shrug*

isnt night meant for sleeping?isnt the bed supposed to be ur comfortable abode?it's the opp for me.not tht i sleep properly in the daytime either,but still.o,nd i sleep on the floor better.Hmmm.i shud study 19th Century Romanticismturning out to be like Pegeen Mike rnt we?desperate desire for some action in her life,eh?

i have also decided tht i like straightfwd ppl.no wait,i take tht back.I wud hate it if some1 called me a peanut-calorie.they get away with 'dumb blonde' cuz...well...first of all,i'm not literally a blonde,i'm a brunette:p.secondly,i'm a lot smarter than ppl wud generally think i am.just cuz i light up like a bulb in 2 secs flat doesnt really mean i'm an airhead(altho i do a pretty gud impression of it).

Mercury gel pen?i found tht song i was luking for.its 'galvanize' by the chem bros.i also saw The Amityville Horror.all thse bloody movies are making me luk for stuff in places there is absolutely nothing to luk for.*grrrr*.i'm not sure if i want to be nominated for the Oscars nemore either.i'll have to give a thnk u speech (is tht wat its called?) nd I really dont have ne1 to thnk.ok,no i do,but then other ppl will be left out,so....neway.

is wat u dont c (skin-wise) really sexier?hmmm....i'll need some male opinions on tht.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

all of em

my Pain's on display.nd the funny thing is,its coloured.i'm going to go over all the colours of my Pain,tht way i might be able to understand wat its all about too...where to start tho?ah.red...the colour of anguish...ferocity...but also of shame and humiliation.Red being a very loyal frnd to me...helped me swim thru the shit i was almost never able to get out of.
blue....my pensive,intelligent blue.
blue is wen ur thoughtful.blue is deep.by the end of it,ur so deep in thought,uve walked so far away frm where u started,u just dont remember wat you wanted to resolve in the first place.blue clouds ur vision of the clear decision u can make....so much so tht u dont want to make it nemore...let's be indecisive for once,shall we?let's c wat life wants to do if i dont steer it properly.Ah,but wats life without the blue/glum status?=)
Purple is my jaan.mysterious.dodgy.an 'i've-got-a-secret' colour.no one can tell wats behind those shining eyes,or y ur smiling tht sneaky smile.you're the know-it-all,even if for the moment.purple has the ultimate balance and grace.bas.
Grey is gorgeously disturbing.think of a landscape with no end,cowering under a dismal grey sky.and ur standing alone,next to a withered tree,on an earthy floor full of cracks.its just u nd the sky...no ifs,no buts...flat out confrontation.escape it while u can,cuz no one likes confrontations.
pink is warm and fuzzy.genteel and poised.hmm.tht colour seldom comes up...not entirely surprised tho.whoever thought i was genteel must be shot in the ear,please.wish it did come up more often...its nice to be lady like,no?

Black.

the favourite of favourites.the trademark of pain.its the most frequently used colour...symbolising agony,ignorance,denial.gloom.dread.go away,ur bothering me.black is immortal.never-ending.so wen i think of him,i'll think of black.cuz everything fits perfectly in the making of out centralised world of thought,and he is my immortal.but not for long.*grim*.
Orange is blinding with all its brightness.a bulb flashing in ur face.screaming,enjoying every single experience,not a slightest care about wats going on.Hm.there shud more orange.Orange,orange,orange,orange.There.fair enuff.
Green is lush with envy.Daggers in its eyes...oh if luks cud kill...Deliciously malicious and artfully trecherous.*sigh*.so this is the evil colour now,eh?bad green with its dirty thoughts.Sad its etched in my memory...cant get rid of it...

White....pristine...emotionally defunct...reconciled to the world around it.Desensitized(mani word,haha=)).the 'I've-tried-nd-failed-to-change-nething' colour.i understand,white,love,i really do.but is there nething we can do about it?no there isnt.so shut up and stay put.




i give my Pain final look,content filling me.i guess i'll go on colouring...pasting...i havent understood it completely,but i think i'll come to terms with it neway.It is time.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

i saw 'the motorcycle diaries' aaj.as in,20 mins ago.i can't say its changed me,but its put me thinking.first of all,i absolutely LOVED the cinematography.nature has always had tht alluring nd charismatic pull for me...so thts wat sorta kept me put thruout.secondly,it was about che!ok,every1 in the world knos about che except me,every1 in the world has somewat an idea wat politics r,wats communism,facism...the works...except me...now,my goal for the summer,is read,read,read,read.i'm going to find out all about these stupidly famous ppl who i've heard about a lot,but rarely refer to (lady godiva,mary antoinette,che guevara,karl marx) blah blah.o,also,learn about crazy theories nd try to understand y so many ppl believe in various stuff.tht includes all religions,all music,various theatres nd well...lots of other stuff.its gud to have a general IQ sometimes....especially if i want to try out debating...

nd i want to try out the political compass thing again...NO ONE seems to be an authoritarian except me!!!nd thts not very good is it?every other person is a left-liberist or a centrist...kher.the site's not opening,so i'm not too happy:S....

sad blog?SCREW YOU SAIF!:D

Saturday, June 04, 2005

i like to feel words as i write them down.thts y its necessary to have a nice pen/pencil.feeling words is important.wat use is there to write if you dont feel the words?

huh?

so met up with dude today.wasnt all tht pleasant.*sigh*.u kno how its hard to face guilt?my guilt comes in the form of dude.nd he just wudnt let go.i kno he misses me,but guilt hugging u is NOT a pleasant feeling.i cudnt even say nething...i didnt even talk..he asked me this one question,'r u happy?'.nd i just sat.nd thought.i wasnt sure i'm happy,can u imagine tht?i wasnt sure if i'm happy with the way my life's going...with nething...

he luked at me,nd i cud tell...this is one person who loves me...really really does...i'm not sure if i c tht luk in gul's eyes...i mean,if i do,i dont remember it,he's largely responsible for tht,not meeting up for a month.'i will forget all the things tht we sed.all the tears tht we bled,all the joy tht we cried,all the hurt inside,all the emptiness...all the unspoken words...nd all the pain...nd everything....till i forget everything'.

i was smelling of dude cuz he missed me so much.nd u kno wat i did?came home nd washed him off.trying to baptize myself...but the smell didnt go away...the guilt clinged to me...just shows i'm never to be free again.might as well live with it while i can...c,wen i smell of gul,its reassuring.it brings about calm.but i'm not sure if i want to feel calm nemore either....this is confusing...

Friday, June 03, 2005

get off the phone,sistah

i had non-fat yoghurt today.it was....*bleh*.u wanna know wat else is *bleh*?daal without tarka.i've lost my yellow diary nd i'm terribly scared of it being published.it was a bad diary.BAD diary.i think i need to sleep.over-sleep is more like it.'over-sleepers anonymous'.haha.crap,crap,crappity,crap.

i feel like such a hypocrite sometimes,having coldplay in my dp,maroon 5 in my nick,nd bloc party banging against my ear drums.strange,no?vary ishtrange.

aaj kuton ki tarhan hum teeno so rahe thay.sax mahol tha,but it seemed oddly peaceful.just the 3 of us lying there...tired...content...at our most vulnerable.sabby needs to take care of her cleavage tho haHA!;)

more l8r.

i had like....3 slices of pizza.....felt like 15...gawd,fatness supreme eh?i feel like puking now.
also,i wud like to add,tht all chappals hate me.ALL of em.i think my bathroom slippers forged together the little army thts SO adamant on being lost wen i need them,making me trip over them,nd making me fall wen i actually do get a chance to wear them.*hmph*.dumb bathroom slippers.I DONT LIKE U EITHER!UR NOT PINK ND FLUFFY!UR BLAND ND SOPORIFIC!

nyeh.

normal

bloody solitary confinement.isnt tht all i need to stay content?y am i so low then?i need an adrenaline rush,i need someone to make me believe tht life is indeed beautiful.tht i shudnt throw it away by bonding with cigarette butts in my bathroom.i need to feel...y am i not feeling nemore?its sickening to live nd not be able to feel.to have all five senses functioning accurately nd still feel stodgy.
i've resorted to stoicism.partly,neway.i still complain a lot and my mood swings fluctuate uncontrollably,but i'm still stoic.indifferent is more like it.life's lost its charm.why tho?and at 18?i'll kill myself by the time i'm 27 then,the monotony wud be too much for me to handle.life's supposed to be all sunshine nd colours nd hope nd surprises.not this.this is......blank.

umm

i make boxes around my words.i'm trapped.

i can hear him bellowing thru the closed doors nd the closed heart.i cant really get him out of my system can i?i'm him.he's me.yet we're so different.at least i'd like to think so.i'm much more considerate,much more sarcastic and a lot more smarter than he is.the shadow of his form approaches,then goes away.i guess thts y i hate him so much,cuz i AM him.but i hate dogmatism.i hate the stuff he imposes.he hasnt set a good example,so y bother?i understand tht he's my father,he provides.but isnt tht it?of COURSE thts it.sure he lets me do watever i want,but thts only cuz he KNOS he cant stop me.i'll find another way,like i always do....

i'm disturbed at the wrong moment.damn it.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

random

I missed the good part of a real life.I started looking for excuses.The glorious feeling of you hair flying...on wings of its own..Little experiences matter so much.*achoo*.The thing is,I dont really know what to write abuot but I feel like writing,so I'll just write randomly.Blue is a massive colour.Its also gorgeous.So is teal.*humming*.I'm being watched.I hate being observed.You know you're being torn to shreds...stripped...I hate being embarassed.I want to suck in my tummy.Will I get a C grade average?*biting nail*.Ok,let's write something on experiences.

They mould you.Create YOU.Not anyone else,but they define your individuality.Whether its catching a rain drop or playing with your remote control.You create a special bond with the most insignificant things.You learn to live and tolerate the world around you.And then you can't live without living.Its fun.Influential.Unforgettable.I'm being watched again.*grrr*.

How mean...

I patrol my house in the dark,marvelling at the beauty of shadows.i,forever nocturnal,forever insomniac.I saunter aimlessly feeling the warmth of the cold,enveloping darkness.The single orange light that provides luminosity to the entire downstairs portion is miraculously dim. I stare at the leaves outside my window gleaming in the wan moonlight .Not a sound can be heard from outside,let alone inside.
Desperate to feel,I run upstairs,in hope of witnessing any sign of life to amuse me for the fleeting moment.And yet again I encounter the same darkness,crude and unnatural.I switch on the lights;maybe the still and organized objects adorning the room will spring to life,welcome me into their passive world and whisper unknown tales into my ear.

Nothing.

The light is annoyingly radiant,i switch it off before anything actually does come alive.And then there is an unnervy calm in that crude darkness.A subtle understanding,a mutual agreement between me and him.He agrees to swallow my innermost doubts,fears and insecurities.To hide them within his innumerable folds of black,never to be revealed.I allow him to giggle at my adolescent thinking,as long as he doesnt giggle in my face.I in turn agree to keep all the secrets he keeps a secret.Its none of my business knowing anyways,just that he trusts me enough to share it all.We chat for about half an hour more,and all through this time I realize how wise he is.How much he knows.And I realize,with a slight twinge of jealousy,that he's being shared,that he's had this chat with so many other angst-ridden people before me,for why else would he know all that he knows?My companion in the stoic world of today.MY secret keeper.
How foolosh I was to be scared of him.How stupid of me to think he'll swallow me and chew me and spit me out before I could blink.And in a way,he does swallow me and chew me and spit me out.He gulps all my miseries and agonies and lonliness,and spits me out.I'm clean,empty again,baptized,hollow inside.Only to come back tomoroow with more food for him.
I sigh at this and eventually do turn on the light to glare at the mirror.I'm astonished to see that I don't recognize the girl staring back at me.How the years chagne you.My every action,I recall,was purely out of instinct.Am I to be blamed for acting on my instincts?Is it my fault?I didn't even plan this....any of this.I didn;t plan the life I'm leading,didn't think before I made friends with people I'm hanong out with now,didnt expect to do so badly in school.Back and forth,back and forth,thoughts flodd my head,incidents churn my insides.I have no regrest.About anything.How would I be the person I am today if I didnt do any of the stuff I've done?Not to say I'm a brilliant person (all of us have out tragic flaws),but I'm reasonably sane.I'm independent to make my own choices,plan my future.The way I want it to be.I'm proud of myself sometimes,like when I succeed in transferring a song to Complan over the net,or dust my room complete with wood polish and glass cleanser,or am worthy enough to be a shoulder to so many people.I consider myself lucky,blessed,when people come to me to feel good about themselves or let out all thats inside.But then where's my shoulder when I need a good cry?Where is everyone when I'm emotionally drained and my heart is bleeding with remorse?Through my eyes,I see my past,which was steady,unmovable.I hold on to her and she stretches out her hand assuringly.My future may be bleak,but if I learn from Zahra Past,it might turn out just ok...
I explain all this to y mirror,and you know what she does?Raises her eyebrows sympathetically,shrugs,and walks away.How mean....I grumble while crawling into bed...how inconsiderately mean..