Wednesday, January 18, 2006

[insert hard,sad word]

When I used to be a kid,the slightest sign of a breakdown from my mom made me horribly sad.When we used to live in the US and Nani used to write to us,mom wept.And it broke my heart cuz I couldn't make her stop.I knew she was sad and she missed her family,but that was no reason to cry,I used to talk to myself.I mean,she was a mom,moms were supposed to be the strongest people in the world,right?That's one of the reasons I made her promise not to cry when Nana or Nani died.She said nothing.
Then we moved here.And my life changed.For the better or the worse,I can't decide.I lost my childhood to the circumstances around me,realized that everything is not what it seems,and people aren't really who you think they are.My mother's tears made me cry out of helplessness.They made me cry out of realization,out of hate,out of guilt.Her tears never seemed to end,and I started getting angry with her.What did she call herself independent for?Where was her God now?How was her intelligence helping her?I become hardened to the pain she felt,and the pain that I indirectly felt.So much so,that her sorrow didn't effect me anymore.I would rather hide in my corner and be distracted easily then to come to terms with stuff that should've been dealt with.Now I cried out of hate,out of guilt and negligence.It didn't make any sense,nothing did anymore.Everything was a blur.
But yesterday was different.Yesterday me and mom cried like one person.We cried for all the sadness and joy that came our way,for all the compromises that never really paid off,in tribute to true and false love,and to us and the lives we lead.And that's where I realized flub,i had made my choice.I just forgot when i made it.


VanillaSkies said...

tat was very nice Zh. Sorry I havent read your post fer a long time.been busy with work.yer into poems too. nice and great!

La Whore said...

i can relate...only too well.
i dunno if you will read this but whenever you do. i look fwd to getting to know you better.
you must be special :)