Monday, July 31, 2006

Bruised lover*

'Something inside me exploded the day God cried outside your window.I stared at your half-open eyes and saw my hunger staring back at me.And we fit.Almost perfectly.It was the most magical experience I've ever had,and I hate to believe it was a dream,cuz I know it wasn't'

My eyes hurt from thinking so much.Its like I can't stop.And I finally came up with a theory.
You whine about everything,the distance,the closeness,the hair,the jokes,the lies...and of course,the truth.'I love you.I can't live without you.Do something about the circumstances that have thrown us into our current positions,otherwise I'll die/kill myself'.Its true that man is never satisfied.And now,love is a part of that feeling.It can't pacify need anymore.Love ko kuch ho gaya hai.It needs more sugar,perfect fingernails and no cats.Its needs to let people breathe as if their significant other is as close to them as the wave is to the sea.It needs to let lovers sleep like babies do when they suck their thumbs.It needs to quell the passion inside their chests thats ripping at the seams.For the contours to be that of one person with two souls and not two people with one soul.Only then will love fill the empty void,the huge hole in all our hearts.Only then will it do justice to night and day,to whining and breathing.Only then...

I guess I missed the feeling for a long time.Now it just seems too much to contain.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

bruised lover*

Thursday, July 27, 2006

of shattered love and eternity

*counts the fingernails on her hand*

*touches her nose with his fingertip*

'every inch of you,love,is precious'

*insert heart here*

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

the masked hero is here.nothing can go wrong.


Monday, July 24, 2006


-DUDE.She's so hot man.You know,I wouldn't mind having cartoon sex with her.
*Cept you'd make a really ugly cartoon.
-Hm.I hate you.

Friday, July 21, 2006

not unordinary

Well.You've managed to turn out to be the exact diety I imagined you to be.Demanding and unforgiving.I hope you know that I know what you want/think from/about me and that I'm so fucking predicatable.I would be,if I talked.Do you realize how much I talk to you and behind you?Its like two different dimensions altogether.I never asked for you to be my friend,to give something to me,to be there inconsistently as you have all these years at the back of a crowded classroom that warm October day.When things happen,you don't run away.Why don't you ever be glad,it melts into wonder?I wish you would stop looking for what you're looking for:anarchy,coffee grinds,and peace in Lebanon.For someone who responds prefectly.Cuz we all speak x and y.Not zog.Never zog.
Why does it always have to be about someone being something?Masked heroes?Failed politicians and empty houses?You're so ashamed of everything.Of everyone being who they are:ordinary.Which is why I wore that neckalce you gave me in secret sometimes;to be someone you would be proud of,someone you would stand up for,as I do.I'm not sorry I failed you.Like you said,you're nothing special.Heh,you don't even know anything a 'friend' should kno.No secrets,no lies,no nuances.Nothing.Just something you may have created from a figment of your never-ending imagination.Probably Cinderella.

'go back to being special'-that was very cruel.I forgive you for your indecision.You are only a man.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

explosions in the sky.

we were born from the same soil and our souls were merged into the yin and the yang.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

some 'extra' ordinary

her tresses sprawl across his chest messily as she stretches her legs, intentionally touching his feet with hers and wiggling her toes just to get some attention. he smiles without moving his eyes from the screen and she sighs because sometimes, she’d just throw that ps2 away. the book clutched between her fingers is about to end and eccentrically, her mind is anywhere but on the story. her eyes meander across the room, noticing the tiny details that were missed – the stain of her tea cup still half filled with coffee (she drank coffee in tea cups, not mugs. just because tea cups have royalty written all over them), his laptop lying carelessly on the chair, the half withered daisies in the glass vase that threatened to topple off any given moment and even the chocolate chip lying alone in the plate that carried cookies just a while back. she looks at him, still engrossed in the video game – this shiny little boy trapped in a man’s body, refusing to grow up – just like peter pan. or may be peter pan was his story. she smiles unconsciously as the corner of his mouth twitches (probably at a wrong move in the game). 'exquisite' – she thinks to herself. she has never known anyone more beautiful.

he catches her then, staring at him and raises an eye brow. she giggles and blushes – moving in closer as if that were possible and continuing to read where she left her book mark. he peeps at the bookmark, it’s almost torn. making a mental note to buy her a new one – probably one with a quote (just so she *squeals* with delight) – he lets his gaze stroll on her face. her eyes gleam behind the smudged kajal outlining and there’s an imminent prodding area, a potential zit perhaps that seems to somehow fit in. her hair smells of coconut, the new conditioner that she bought and she wears an ‘aquamarine’ star sapphire in each of her ear, neck and the ‘ring’ finger. not because it brings out the color of her eyes, not even because it matches her jora – but only because he calls her sapphire and blue is their color. her mouth is pressed together firmly, and if he didn’t know it so well, he wouldn’t be able to tell it was a slight pout (probably caused by a ‘boohoo’ paragraph). 'exquisite' – he thinks to himself. he has never known anyone more beautiful.

‘if i sing, will you dance?’
‘only if you don’t look at me that way.’

(i stoles this from saph,yes i did,yes i did,yes i did=D)(so Bewtifull)

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Fossiled soil and sand.

'Um,excuse me...'
'I'm sorry to have bothered you*sits himself down*,but I cannot seem to place where we've met' 'We've...met?Sorry?'
'Oh yes,most definitely.However,I'm not sure whether it was that sandbox around 5th Street,or the pond by the pigsty'
'Oh,please,don't burden yourself if you don't remember,its quite alright.Its just this itch that I had to get rid of,and if its not you,its someone else,because there's no mistaking that sandbox..'.
'......You always stole my shovels.....'
'...I supposed I never apologized for that.....'
'..No..not really..'
'Well,then,I'm truly very sorry.They were just such shiny shovels,you see'
'...Apology accepted.You should never hold a grudge for 20 years over a stick of plastic.Besides,lucky for me,you moved away soon enough'*smile*.
*smile*'But of course.Ask me how I remember it'.
'Remember what?'
'Your name.And the sandbox'
'Alright.Surprise me'
'Stupid Sandra with sandy hair' *smile*
*smirk*'I think I still hate you'
'You know,you shouldn't hold a grudge for 20 years over meaningless words and hair that only a few lucky ones have'.
'You are unbelieveably unoriginal'.
'It runs in my blood.Now.Care for some coffee?Its quite nasty outside'
*mimics*'Oh but of course let's have some coffee,dearie.Nasty,nasty,nasty'
'...I presume you don't know where I moved to'
'Let me guess.Scandinavia?Isle of Man?Amsterdam.I've always wanted to go to Amsterdam'
*smile**shakes head*.'England,you annoying turd.Stop acting like we're still in that sandbox'
'Oh,I'm sorry.I thought you used your pick-up line 15 minutes ago'
'Heh.That's....yeah that's good.I'm officially speechless now'
*satisfied*'Now.Care for some coffee?Um...waiter?scuse me,over here please'
*adoring smile*

Monday, July 17, 2006

french baguettes

So I am the official loner now,who cannot spell 'moniter' to save her life,and pronounces Sufjan Stevens,croissants and Sigur Ros in an American accent.

'Where are the matches?'
'Obviously,right there'
'Oh riiiight..of course obviously,cuz they're just always in the cow,right?'

Our questions are the ceilings we build above our heads.When you refuse to grow,a ceiling is erected.How many ceilings in one day?And in one hour?

Sing to me hope as she's
Thrown on the sand

Of course there was a thought.A failed attempt at simplifying things.A raucous,mucus.Also,two interesting sounding words : orotundity and erroneous.But like everything else,its charm fades on those who try and try again to make sense.Who sit in doorways,not sure whether they want in or out or out and about.

Take amma for example.She tries to make sense,and I have ceased to try and change the subject because she manages to steer it back to the same old,same old.So I smile/nod/yield/interject wherever necessary.Like in a play,only I'm not too keen on understanding/becoming my character who is incidentally/coincidentally/(unfortunately?) me.

'Is he really eating her face?'
'Yea man.I mean,they've been gone long enough'
*snigger from behind me*
'Shut up man,at least he's doing a much better job than you are'
*deathmage and me burst out laughing as a hand slaps the back of my head*

Centre of attention?I think not.You sir/madam (I can't really tell because of the dark)are not thinking straight.I suggest you go back to your living condescendingly under the Tuscan sun or south of the border of wherever it is that statues grow and leaves fly amock.It is too pleasant out here to be taking you seriously.

Saturday, July 15, 2006


Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
but it's cold as you face into the wind, isn't it?
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
but how do you know?
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
i'm lonely.
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
we all are
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
such is life.
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
and we tend to contribute to each others lonliness.
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
to try and quell it
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
but it never quells,haina?
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
you should probably ask someone how to use words before you use them you know...
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
it's never quelled would have been better.
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
no,i like to change meanings around for my own convenience
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
like...mazal tov
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
what was tht other word?
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
there.i've just sent you something.
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
check mail.
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
tht thing u sent before didnt work
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
i know.
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
i didn't expect it to work of course,
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
but it occurred to me
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
right after i sent it.
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
that all those people who wrote in it,
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
couldn't possibly have had their wishes come true BEFORE they sent the email
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
so they couldn't really write in it could they?
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
wishes shud be confined to birthday candles and shooting stars only
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
not forwarded emails.
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
thts just breaking tradition
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
how often do THOSE come around?
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
once,twice a year
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
forwards you get every day.
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
so you shudnt have so many wishes anyway
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
aur jo wish har roz poori ho jayay,tou you start caring less about stuff you cant get.kadar kam ho jati hai.
Zh~*: ..der kub says:
bhenchod gmail.
Saif - sister i'm a poet says:
oh well.


Friday, July 14, 2006

and i've royally fucked up my blog.hadd hoti hai yaar,somebody shoot me please.

nummy hates all my photography.maybe i do too.

chatt pe
sheesha tha.
Amber Fort,Jaipur.
hips dont lie-
beauty queen.
meaningless trivia
on a
sunny winter day.
lights will guide you home..
perfume bottle.
a bit narcisstic?yes:)

Thursday, July 13, 2006

There is somthing about the way the puddles in the ditches are glittering in their dark,sinister way.I throw a rock in.Chaos for about 3 and a half seconds.Then its glittering again in the sun.

I hate ammi's perfume.How ironic that I'm the one whoe gave it to her.She was asking me who's fault it was.What an odd question.Of course,since I'm severely involved,she keeps asking and insisting and what not,but its still a very dumb question.I was distracted by my phone,(saved by the bell,eh?),and I never answered her question.I personally think its everyone's fault.

so what if you catch me,where would we land?

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

lion's mane-iron and wine

Run like a race for family
When you hear like you're alone
The rusty gears of morning
And faceless, busy phones
We gladly run in circles
But the shape we meant to make is gone

And love is a tired symphony
You hum when you're awake
And love is a crying baby
Mama warned you not to shake
And love's the best sensation
Hiding in the lion's mane

So I'll clear the road, the gravel
And the thornbush in your path
That burns a scented oil
That I'll drip into your bath
The water's there to warm you
And the earth is warmer when you laugh

And love is the scene I render
When you catch me wide awake
And love is the dream you enter
Though I shake and shake and shake you
And love's the best endeavor
Waiting in the lion's mane

stars and boulevards-augustana

Wait, dear
A white horse is walking down my street here
Your words are creeping at my feet I fear
That sunrise will come too soon and you’ll disappear
To the haze of a city and yourself
Oh no…
Look out
They’re coming after us with big guns
They’re only going to tell you all the bad things I’ve done
And even if the words they say aren’t true they’ve won
Now I’m left here dying in the sun
Seems like I’m always on my own...
Seems like I’m never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards
Ain't close enough for you
Late nights
Won’t do me justice
When I drink I
Just get so damn depressed
And it’s, it’s not like
I ain’t trying to get over you
It’s just hard to look at all the
Seasons pass me all the time
And I said
Seems like I'm always on my own...
Seems like I’m never coming home...
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards
Ain't close enough for you
One last
Phone call from you
It wouldn’t hurt much
I'd just like to hear your voice
And pretend to touch
Any inch of you that hasn’t
Said it all or read it all..
I sung my life away
And I say..
Seems like I’m always on my own...
Seems like I’m never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards
Aren’t close enough for you
(Seem like I’m always on my own)
All the stars and boulevards
Aren’t close enough for you
(Seem like I’m never coming home)
All the stars and boulevards
Aren’t close enough for you
(Seem like I’m always on my own)
All the stars and boulevardsAren’t close enough for you

fair-remy zero

Hey, are you lonely?Has summer gone so slowly?
We found the ground
And that damage was done
It's cold as you fade into the sun
Where'd you go? To me?

But you're alive!
Well, it's only
Fallen frames, they told me
You stand out, it's so loud
And so what if it is?
It's cold as you face into the wind
Where'd it go to? tonight the sun shall see its light

So what if you catch me,
Where would we land?
In somebody's life
For taking his hands
Sing to me hope as she's
Thrown on the sand
All of our work
Is rated again
Where to go ?

And you were somehow the rain this thing could allow
could try
But it's all wrong
You're so strong
And this life and work
And choice took far too long
Where'd it go? tonight the sun shall see its light

So what if you catch me,
Where would we land?
In somebody's life
For taking his hands
Sing to me hope as she's
Thrown on the sand
All of our work
Is rated again

When I was sure you'd follow through
My world was turned to blue so thin
When you'd hide your songs would die
So I'd hide yours with mine
And all my words were bound to fail
I know you won't fail
See, I can tell

All dreams come true

If that's bullshit,then this is definitely a dream.There are so many questions to ask and so many stories to tell.Like why there's an ant crawling on my stomach,why that grape was as big as a mango,why a kiss doesn't taste like cold milo on a hot Lahori day.

I don't want to be anywhere but here.I make deformed sketches of us walking down a corridor.

I saw a movie today that I hadn't seen for a while,and there's this thing about being a literature student (and incidentally a human being),that as the number of times you see/touch/read/do something increases,the feeling is always different.matlab,you tear away the layers each time,until you think that there is nothing left except maybe a hollow inside,that leaves you hollow too,but there is always something.The idea of it.You think you've mastered the whole thing,but the idea inside that hollow space stays the same.So no,you're wrong.

Everything is wrong in this world.If something good happens,its a mistake God overlooked perhaps.Its a dream.A dream that comes true.

Friday, July 07, 2006

I've noticed,that neglected people either have a lot to say or nothing at all.I have a list of neglected people in my mind,whose initials I'm going to write in case woh offend ho jayein.

jose gonzalez-heartbeats

one night to be confused
one night to speed up truth
we had a promise made
four hands and then away

both under influence
we had devine scent
to know what to say
mind is a razorblade

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

one night of magic rush
the start a simple touch
one night to push and scream
and then relief

ten days of perfect tunes
the colors red and blue
we had a promise made
we were in love

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough

and you, you knew the hand of the devil
and you, kept us awake with wolfs teeth
sharing different heartbeats
in one night

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough

this song is love.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

the moment

Its all standstill now,isn't it?From the witch-looking woman working in the kitchen to the heat hiding behind the curtains,its all stopped.But only for a moment.A miraculous idea/thought/feeling has burst open in my head and I sip at the milo till it can be sipped no more.I think it,savour it,taste it with the tip of my tongue.It has the power to make me feel all sorts of things...doubt,love,courage,pity.I hurry past the inconsequential,looking for what I'm really looking for.I jaldi se plaster the desired feeling on my line of thought cuz I know the moment's almost over,and sure enough,the heat starts to make the curtains rustle in anguish and the witch woman in the kitchen still has the spatula in the air.I come out of my momentary utopia/lapse,and life resumes itself.

That felt good=)

Saturday, July 01, 2006

i adjust flowers in my unwashed hair to feel better.
they always work=)