Tuesday, September 26, 2006

i am so pissing mad right now.


Saturday, September 23, 2006


her skyborne gypsy. says:
woh hafiz e quran
her skyborne gypsy. says:
aur tum hybrid gori
Zh~*:i love you 5 says:
her skyborne gypsy. says:
bohat ala
Zh~*:i love you 5 says:

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


so apparently i'm turning/have turned 20.
its probably the worst birthday i've ever had.i mean,i have all the things i cud want (ok,maybe not enough clothes or shoes.you can never have enough shoes.or books.),yet its still so..everything's so...empty?blank.i mean,this woman at macy's wished me happy birthday after phupho bought me my present,but i looked at her all confused.the polite kind of confused,where you want to say something right but then in between trying to figure out the right words and actually coming to terms with what has been said,the moment is lost,and you just smile that awkward 'hmmm' smile.

I took the leisure of putting my phone on silent and taking a shower as the clock struck 12.i wanted a new towel,but the only ones available were all a sickly green.i wore my mani shirt and mozez socks and lgs shalwar.smoothed my twenty year old skin.stood under the very hot water to wash away twenty years of nothing..I also slept like i hadn't slept in years.

God's present to me is a beautiful day.beautiful,beautiful,beautiful day.sunny and windy at the same time.

even thought the day is the most beautiful since i dont know when,its probably the gloomiest birthday i've ever had.i'm not used to being left alone.i think i'll go straighten my hair.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

heh.imagine comparing life to a toilet roll.


i am only sane because we have each other.you may never know it,but i just wanted to tell you that i feel it when i am missing you to death.

Friday, September 15, 2006

part 2 commences

So here I am after my shower,and still wondering what to do.(the chocolate milk expedition didn’t go too well,so I am now devouring oatmeal crème pie.they’re soft cookies,not whole pies,you idiot)I have a faint feeling that the crème is made of marshmallows,haram walay,but I’m too scared to look.they’re so gooooood.

I fina-fucking-lly got my music cuz I got my laptop cuz mani’s SO cool.but I still cant figure out how to play it without attaching the hard drive,and some of the music is still missing,so tsk tsk mani.luckily,thanks to being the dork I am,I wrote down all the songs.every single one of them.cool na?=D.not.

What else?the …no,no..not something meaningful.did I mention that my room’s a mess?at least a dozen times?and that my internet’s not working?fuck.this..sucks.dream machine by the fever is awesome too.why is the ghar ki chabi in my room?seriously,ppl in this house are insane.all I ask is for a little order,but no,it is absolutely necessary for everyone to go their own ways.

I have a vivid image of a drunk guy sitting in the room next to me dragging his chair/table once in a while.he’s also probably watching t.v.he is also probably fat.there is something scratching somewhere.you’ve no idea what you’re liiiike.i’m sleepy.and I am not all amazed by Victoria’s secret ki bras.they’re…like all the other ones.and the model for victoria’s secret looks like a guy.i think my brother might be gay.seriously,her jaw looks big enough to sink the titanic.

Frou frou….aaaaah…more therapeutic music please,my nerves are rot.PICK.UP.YOUR.PHONE.i don’t care what time it is in Pakistan,this is fucking annoying.STOP tapping urself you stupid paper clip with a light bulb on its head.WHY are you bothering me I ask you WHY.i am frustrated at the moment,CANT YOU SEE?where’s that damn tiara.

monster cars and swedish boys

Wonder woman indeed did wonders today.i am proud of myself for once.
For heeding what people advise to me,for being the strength for most of the people I care about..for being a shoulder to those who need me desperately and realize it only after they feel what I am to them.Like R said today..’first I used to cry cuz everyone complained about me living too far away.they said it was too hard for them to come meet me.now that you’re here,I realize I don’t need anyone.*giggle*.

I wear a plastic tiara with plastic gems in it and work around and about.things I never thought I could do but knew I’d be doing them some day.The tiara helps a lot.whenever I act distressed or agitated,I remember that I am a princess,and that princesses do not react in such a manner to difficult situations.

I’m listening to Julia by ludovico einaudi.don’t remember hearing something this beautiful on piano before.highly recommended to anyone and everyone,and a super special thanks to the person who introduced it to me in his own special way=).ooh ooh,also,film by aphex twin.sask.i’m very much into soul and instrumental now,imaad says the only reason he loves me is cuz I’m the only girl who likes ulver=D.

So anyway.i’ve just about had enough of furniture shops and target and Costco and…starbucks.my first experience didn’t turn out as well as I hoped it shouldve.the bastards.put too much coffee in my frappi.that’s it,I’m buying bottled cold coffee from now on.

My room doesn’t seem so dreary anymore.except for HUGE AMOUNTS OF CARDBOARD AND PLASTIC lying around,its rather colorful.and the small decorative paintings I bought of the Chinese (hot) girls has put my poor father into doubt about my sexuality (IKEA BABY YEAHHHH=D).i accidentally told him about my smoking experience,and is it me or have my parents suddenly grown up?he took it in such a cool way.’acha tou iss ka matlab hai tum ne try kiya hua hai’…’uh….hehe?’’zaleel’.i agree they’re very cool parents,but they can be such a pain in the patella sometimes.

Anyhoo,chori ka internet is being a righteous fuck.i feel like having chocolate milk,but its too much of an effort to go downstairs and fix myself something to eat,but then I’m thinking since I’m going to take a shower anyway,I should go ahead and feed myself you know?let’s see.right now the music is unstoppable.I CANT WAIT FOR MY FURNITUREEEEEEEE MY ROOM IS SUCH A MESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
OCD is a horrible thing to have.*sigh*.

OMG LAST NIGHT.i had the weirdest fucking dream of the CENTURY which is why I couldn’t sleep.I dreamt that it was maha’s wedding with jay and my mom’s wedding with God knows who at the same night,and I was torn between both.I knew maha’s would’ve been more fun,she just is that way,but obviously I couldn’t miss my mom’s wedding,she’d kill me.But then I find out that no one’s coming to maha’s wedding except her own friends,but I decide to sneak out anyway and go.i’m told she’s getting ready,so I go in and there she is,drunk with this transsexual that I saw on the tyra banks show,wearing a shimmery bikini top and a…skirt.she insists that I join,and I voice my thoughts about preferring to watch instead,when the transsexual grabs me and puts me in a mermaid costume.it is only then I realize the glittery make up that she’s (he’s?) dolloping onto my face and I think wtf but I play along cuz I feel sorry for (lets just call it an it),it.that and also the fact tht I don’t generally say no to people unless they’re my parents.so anyway,there I am with a drunk maha and a transsexual in a bikini (did I mention it was wearing a bikini?),talking and laughing nonsense.I’m getting really really late,so I excuse myself and then maha’s like,’oh the baraat’s probably here,I’ll come with you too,you can’t leave without meeting jay and the transsexual pipes in ‘yeah,bitch!’,so I go ok,although I have no plans of bumping into any cute guy from the larke walon ki side with a mermaid costume on.so I run past the stage (yes I choose to run past the STAGE,center of attention as ALWAYS) and say hi to jay from behind my hand.i stick around long enough to see maha sitting on the stage with her dulha in a glittery top with a jali ka duppatta and a skirt on.she’s very very very happy,so I leave.as for the trans..it just scowls at me and turns the other way and even though the bikini is gone I can still see its penis in the back.its rather disturbing.I soon stumble out of an ice cream truck just to find my mother looking rather paindoo in a shalwar kameez embroided with golden gota.’WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN I’VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU,YOU ARE SO GROUNDED YOUNG LADY’.

end of dream.

I can hear my dad snoring in the other room.oh well.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

putter putter

barri boriat hoti hai yahan par.especially when ur not in school,unemployed and are in the proces of learning how to drive.mera kamra bhi ulta pulta para hua hai and its just sad.

the walk today was good though.so was the khatta orange juice on the deck.the grass is always green here.almost always.when it threatens to turn brown,God pours down rain..sometimes over a span of 2-3 days.and thats NORmal,apparently.it just finished raining again,and the pimple that has emerged and popped on its own is hurting like a bitch.saw fooks in his boxers today,i wasnt too pleased.the ass has gotten fat,and he's just...great,its raining again.

i'm indecisive about whether i shud open the box or not.very tempted i am,but its 12:30 am,(longest i've stayed up,God bless the internet) and mother had threatened to wake me up at seven (which actually means 6,or close to it).

i havent told my parents,but the maroon leather sofas are clashing horribly with the tiles.*sigh*.its something about being a grown-up that you just have to have your way,always.

the babies have probably arrived by now,their ages being 4 and 2 respectively.i plan to meet up with a dozen old people soon.SOON.so i dont lose my mind.in any case hot dogs and oatmeal cookies will keep me sane.

i can hear voices,i'm thinking its my parents,but whenever i open the door,i hear them snoring.
this house is better than phupho's.its got lights on the streets,and i can tell that so and so might be awake.
*sigh*.so i've been snooping in peoples' scrapbooks (ONLY THING TO DO WHEN UR NOT DOING ANYTHING),and i'm all confused now.this confusion must be put to a test.i'm going to sleep.

Monday, September 11, 2006


aaj 11th september ki 5th birthday hai.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


Joey Joey took a stone
And knocked
And whoosh!it swizzled
Down so hard,
And bloomp!it bounced
In his backyard,
And glunk!it landed
On his toe!
And the world was dark,
And the corn wouldn't grow,
And the wind wouldn't blow,
And the cock wouldn't crow,
And it always was Night,

All because
Of a stone
And Joe.

Shel Silverstein

hug o' war

I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.

Shel Silverstein

this land is my land

Chuggi was right.I opened my suitcase and felt completely drained.If I brought home with me,my family,my pictures,my everything,what is it that's making me so sad?I just sat on phupho's garage floor and thought and thought and cried.The background music of Fanaa was playing over and over again and over again,until an invisible finger pushes the pause button only for me to put it on again.And all I can think about is what I'm going to do if I ever lose you.I don't even know who you are..

You're like the people who's pose is so natural,it puts you at ease.You're like a lost a picture that drops out of an old notebook.The feeling I get when I watch an airplane in the distance,smoke tagging behing it,and I think I've never seen a more wonderful sight.When I run alone in an aisle,all I can think is the cash register.The goal.The quiet stillness of the night that makes me feel that the only movement going on is of that in my world.When I throw cherries at the wind and I see my strength defying gravity even if its for a moment.The assurance of something you've put in a drawer a long time ago but you know its always going to be there.There's a difference between looking at the stars and being the stars.You're the difference.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

the giving tree

Once there was a tree...

she loved
little boy.

And every day
the boy
would come


and make them
into crowns
and play king of the forest.

He could climb up her trunk

and swing from her branches

and eat apples.

And they
would play

And when
he was tired,
he would sleep
in her shade.

And the boy loved the tree...
very much.

And the tree was happy.

But time went by.

And the boy grew older.

And the tree was often alone.

Then one day the boy came to the tree
and the tree said,"Come ,Boy,come and climb
and eat apples and play in my shade
and be happy."
"I am too big to climb and play," said the boy.
"I want to buy things and have fun.
I want some money.
Can you give me some money?"
"I'm sorry," said the tree, "but I have no money.
I have only leaves and apples.
Take my apples,Boy,and sell them
in the city.Then you will have money
and you will be happy."

And so the boy climbed up the
tree and gathered
her apples
and carried them away.

And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away
for a long time...
and the tree was sad.
And then one day
the biy came back
and the tree shook with joy
and she said, "come,Boy,
climb up my trunk
and swing from my braches
and be happy."

"I am too busy to climb trees,"
said the boy.
"I want a wife and I want children,
and so I need a house.
Can you give me a house?"
"I have no house,"said the tree.
"The forest is my house,
but you may cut off my branches
and build a house.
Then you will be happy."

And so the boy cut off
her branches
and carried them away
to build a his house.

And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away
for a long time.
And when he came back,
the tree was so happy
she could hardly speak.
"Come,Boy," she whispered,
"come and play."
"I am too old and sad to play,"
said the boy.
"I want a boat that will
take me far away
from here.
Can you give me a boat?"

"Cut down my trunk
and make a boat,"
said the tree.
"then you can sail away...
and be happy".

And so the boy cut down her trunk

and made a boat and sailed away.

And the tree was happy...

but not really.

And after a long time
the boy came back again.
"I am sorry,Boy,"
said the tree,"but I have nothing
left to give you-
My appkes are gone."
"My teeth are too weak
for apples,"said the boy.
"My branches are gone,"
said the tree."You
cannot swing on them-'
"I am too old to swing
on branches,"said the boy.
"My trunk is gone,"said the tree.
"You cannot climb-"
"I am too tired to climb,"said the boy.
"I am sorry,"sighed the tree.
"I wish that I could
give you something...
but I have nothing left.I am just
an old stump.I am sorry..."

"I don't need very much now,"
said the boy,
"just a quiet place to sit and rest.
I am very tired."
"Well," said the tree,
straightening herself up
as much as she could,
"well,and old stump is good
for sitting and resting.
Come,Boy,sit down.
Sit and rest."

And the boy did.

And the tree was happy.

Shel Silverstein