Tuesday, October 31, 2006

i think there's something wrong with the twinkling satellite in the sky.keeps connecting me to an operator in china when i really want to call england.i guess everyone makes mistakes some time or the other.

my cough is repeated by dad,who is in the other room.we both cough for different reasons,water in my oesaphagus and his chest pains,but somehow it brings us closer together.if i go back about 10-12 years,the structure of the house is almost the same.same direction of bedrooms,same hallway,same creak of the wood when you walk up and down looking for something absent-mindedly.except tht house had so many closets.and little ones even.for example the one just at the top of the stairs where mom kept fooki's secret diapers cuz he sometimes got scared at night even though he was 7...where ahmed and i used a stool as a single desk and a shoe box to collect all the customers' transactions when we used to play 'bank bank'.the closet where mom kept her yellow sweater in that i thought she looked so wonderful in when and if she wore it,cuz really,she always preferred pakistani clothes.the big closet in the basement where there were extra sheets and the photo albums tucked under the hanging extra clothes.wow,what a place to spend a day.it was like visiting a galaxy far,far away.

i was just telling dad the other day how big tabscott drive was when we were kids.how utterly endless were the possibilities for imagining fairies and butterflies and sunlight and sleet.even tho it is expanded now to twice its size,its so,so small.i guess when ur little,you look at everything in awe cuz its so big.then it just loses its charm.the rasberry vines,the tree that's been cut down,the unmowed lawn.

and it all comes back to haunt you when you are alone,or thinking or busy doing something important.memories make me shiver.i stand in my cubicle and freeze for a millisecond as my heart pounds in my ears,the sounds of the store go numb and the customer is smiling at me uncertainly.

i made a lot of little important packages today.sat in my room,spread em all out,fed the little one tootsie rolls and cut away at colourful paper.the little one kept quiet,fed up of candy (?!) and squirmed in her position.'oh no zalaaa..those gloves are broken..!you can't wear those!'i smile and continue listening to ravi shankar or sigur ros or whoever's playing in the background.she reminds me of myself in too many ways i can count.she's demure,and cautious..but talkative and pre-occupied too.she went red in the face from playing too much.i thought it was healthy,so i let her jump on the bed as much as she wanted to=).

i dont have anything else constructive to say (not saying that this was constructive at any point)but i do have to get up in a few hours and i would go to sleep had i not had a book to read,cards to fill,lotion to apply,and people to talk to.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

wooden walls make little difference to the sounds created behind them.the sounds are no longer a secret.i sleep in the shirt i cry in,so i feel the pain when i sleep.the pain that never leaves me.puffy eyes and 2am conversations are the best way to get you nowhere than where you think you've begun.

so my point is,that everything around us sucks,but like compy sed 'we're all searching for something we dont know' and i think life just passes in looking for that one thing.
i saw sparks.

Friday, October 20, 2006

we love and lie.
we hope and pray.
we dissolve our dreams into piano concertos and mix our thoughts with polite smiles.
there are some sort of windows surrounding you,all showing a way out.but a way out of where?who do we run from?ourselves?things we think?a list of things that go wrong?do we jump?just open the window a tad bit to let the freedom in?
paper birds,complacent cows in the field.aching bones and wonderment.

its like..we're waiting.for a miracle that's never going to happen.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

all my designs,simplify.

This tub of salt looks white,I think as I glance over to him.I quietly watch his every move.The fork going in the mouth,the large,inquisitive eyes,the eyebrows drawn together.If I could just...sketch.This second would be just perfect.In my opinion,he's scared of himself.Ok,let's see....inexplicable use of manners?check.Good attire?check.Big goo-goo eyes?check.I wonder what he's thinking.I supposed there's probably too much thinking going on in that head as it is.Sometimes I wish I could...pry it open with like..a stick..or a fork.
He carries himself awkwardly.Like he doesn't know where to put himself for fear of not knowing whether he'd fit in or not.I want to grab his shadow and rip it out of him.The shadow that haunts him and doesn't let him be who he should.
I continue staring rudely until he feels there's something on his nose.With careful precision,he wipes off the grime.Or maybe he's just scratching his nose,I don't know.He smile a some-what distracted smile at me,cautious about the attention he doesn't want to attract from people sitting nearby.Might as well.What bothers me the most is the drawn curtains in his eyes when he looks at me.I see pupils,I see him..but there is no sign of absolute...surrender.When you surrender to someone,its because you trust them,love them,fear them,revere them.Like religious people surrender to God and leave their fate up to Him.Give Him their all,not caring what happens to them as long as they have Him by their side.
Damn it,he's finished his lasagne.Now I can't stare anymore.
Haha,I was so surprised when I talked to you,Mr.Longbottom.You act so different around people who you want.It almost pissed me off to a level that I wanted to hang up on you.Thank God line got cut and saved me the rudeness of it all.
But seriously.Everything we talked about didn't make sense.And you know what?The worst thing is that I couldn't make a memory out of it.Well,I did...lets just say its not one of the best ones I have of you.It goes something like 'Well,THAT was certainly the weirdest conversation I've ever had.You think you know a person.'Whatever.Jo bhi.Poppycock it all.
German,Keith,Chinese-American baby,Altoids,annie's a bastard,and I'm supposed to hold on.I think I will.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

so its 1am and the only person worth talking to online has gone to throw up.i'm positive its cuz she was listening to fiona apple.to get rid of my boredom,i cleaned the kitchen,re-washed the dishes and am now 'watching' midnight money on tbs.all the lights are on and i feel i'm highly irresponsible,cuz kal roza bhi rakhna hai and i'm not asleep yet.of course when you're alone you tend to think about a lot of things you feel sad about when you think about them,and that's kind of what happens with me 24/7 so i'm sad 24/7.wow,and my stomach just retaliated to my said statement.oh well.

i almost forgot how much hospitals scare the fuck out of me.they have this certain smell attached to them that reeks of sympathy at the patheticness of the human condition.i sat all uptight and looking like i didnt belong (which i didnt).

so porcupine tree was awesome.didnt like a lot of their new music..a bit too loud for my taste.what else?it was set up in this bar-like place,and even though they said no alcohol,everyone was having some form of the beer or the other.i had red bull.much of the crowd was surprisingly old,sporting very worn out t-shirts of PT,beer bottles in hand,hippie children in tow.this one uncle..started swaying in a very suggestive way tht he definitely wanted to dance.that was scary.the visuals were amazing,wilson is crazy and the 30/40 yr old who started talking to me randomly was SO cool.i mean,i wish he was my dad,thts how cool he was.sure,ali bhai got ticked off 'kis se baat kar rahi ho' but its not like he invited me out for coffee,right?i mean,i'm sure he wud have had i been alone,but fat chance of tht happening.

i've come to like more and more instrumental/soft/soothing/puts you at ease music.i think i'm...insane.

there's a block party in our..well,block soon.october 21st ko.2 days before eid.2 days before nani died.4 days before peech's 18th.there comes a point in time,well,at least thts the point where i am now,that i just step back and look at myself doing things,talking,looking,laughing,cleaning,being..and i'm so unaffected by it all.

except yesterday.yesterday was the best day i'd ever had since julia.the weather was absolutely GORjus,and who would want to stay inside?there was a spanish band type playing,the fountain was breath-taking,the single duck hiding somewhere,abstract art surrounding you.gravel pressing hard against your shoe sole.people playing frisbee.rainwater not entirely sucked into the ground yet.and i got souveneirs too.i was so happy.awe wala happy,i cant believe i'm back here after so long.

then the whole going back to abbu jaan's place scenario.they cut down the tree,tore apart the sun room,didnt cut the grass.it was all very..strange.i felt so sick being there.getting ready in the forbidden room,tiptoe-ing across the drawing room with my shoes on,walking in the garden looking at the empty space where the rasberries and mint leaves used to grow.i have yet to sit on the chatt.i'll do it soon,though,there's no reason not to.

when ali bhai and kelly disappeared during the concert 'we'll be back',that's when it hit me that maybe hina baji was right.sometimes people think they want the same things,but its just a farce.we all have different dreams and even if our dreams are the same,we want different things out of it.which makes it hard to stick together.specially for a lawyer and a vagabond.

One of the wonders of the world is going down
It's going down I know
It's one of the blunders of the world that no-one cares
No-one cares enough

Saturday, October 07, 2006

i curl up in my bed
and brood and brood

Thursday, October 05, 2006

sleep to dream her

i lack inspiration.its a simple thing everyone needs once a day or once in a lifetime even,and i lack that.little rays of unbearable light seep through a lot of small things that i am collecting...absorbing like a sponge..like that day my phupho got me a 'guess' designer bag as a birthday present,and the spanish counter lady goes 'you have a really nice mom',and i'm all like..hmm..should i answer that or let it be?or when i walk up and down that really crooked hilly thing me and fooks call 'The Hill' where i'd love to take mani someday..or when i'm fiddling with my hair and listening to the train pass by very noisily.there are so many things here that could tickle the fancy of say..alice cooper..or c.m.bower or even nicole richie.but nothing's happened..no..spark.like maha said one fine forgotten day 'don't lose the focus,once you've lost it,you're gone'.and i think i'm losing it.i honestly think i am.

back to this marvellous song i was about to promote before i drifted.
I know I'll miss her later
Wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To twist her arms now

She stares up at the stars when
The stars fell from her hair then
I bent down to collect them
And then she was gone

Oh, I sleep just to dream her
I beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

Oh, I came there to find out
Find out she made up her mind, oh
My arms are all tied up
To me she was blind

Mmm, this space between us
Where wingless dreams fall earless
Will you not bear me witness
With your back to me now

It seems so unnerving
Yet still somehow deserving
That she could hold my heart so tightly
And still not see me here

Oh, I sleep just to dream her
Beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

I know I’ll miss her later
I wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To be the light in her eyes