Tuesday, November 28, 2006

so its weird when people stare at you like they know something.its even weirder when they look at you thinking you shouldn't be looking at them the way you are looking at them,cuz what they are isn't their fault;its their parents' or ex-girlfriends',or the high school jock who gave them too much beer.like that indian at the store who was with a curly-haired,high maintenance blonde,looking at me all uncomfortable as if he thought he was doing something wrong and he thought that i thought the same.but i instead tried to tell him that really,it was ok and that i didnt mind,and that he should relax and not be ashamed to make eye contact with me.

oh well.
mesmerized by the bubbly liquor,she watched as the seductress in red stole the night away.candles on her head,swaying left,right and centre.the men dancing with her,knowing they are no match for her radiant beauty.the women,dancing for something they lost long ago.the clash of cultures,societies,and first impressions,all coming together at one place.the ballroom.

sitting in a daze,she hears much but understands nothing.most of it goes off the top of her head and into the dark somewhere.so among so many of them she sits silent.they think she is too woozy to care,but she in fact is not entirely sure if this is the life she had yearned for for so long.she thinks what she has been scared to think :its not enough.she wonder when it ever will be.

the drive to the mills is an adventurous,triumphant one.she has accomplished something only because of sheer will and faith in doing what is right.the ride back,however,is less thrilling.Its not enough.

nothing is too hard to do anymore,yet everything is so much harder than it seems.a simple phone call that has been put off for many a weeks.the urge to need people.writing.the easiest things have become the hardest to do.the constant praise is alien to her ears,she does not belong to it.

Monday, November 20, 2006

The first fall

This is a blog about the time I was part of a family.A very complex,a very...ordinary time.A time where only balderdash matters.Where laptops are too small and silly anecdotes bring the past back to life.Lounging personalities mesh into one big ballad of nothing.Cigarettes are crushed on mahogany tables and drives through dark and haunting battlefields make living seem like a joke.A very..frightening joke.

Somewhere along the asphalt,lives are saved.Preserved.Revered.ed.Its a very odd feeling when you watch things that you've only ever dreamed of once upon a lifetime happen around you.As if this magical wave is following you and you can only feel it when the glittery dust falls on your head after its done its work.

What I have learned,and am about to share is this:Never follow inevitability.Never think that you cannot control your own fate.Do not be the plot,let the plot find you.And everything will fall into place.Just like it should,like you made it.Like only you could.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

confidence in high speed

i am seriously contemplating a camcorder.there are so many things i want to to capture,then (probably not) edit them,and show it to someone.it'd be so cool.like a documentary with so many people involved that by the time the movie's done,you still can't remember who's who,but the message has come across successfully.i'm not sure what the message is yet,but that too will come around.

my fake fur jacket is sprawled on the ground like someone killed it,courtesy daddy dearest.i write this while watching a man with waxed armpits exercise on geo.before this a fat man talking about thin models and how we need improvement in our film industry or we shall die an inexplicable death.

finally got my driver's license.the lady was so unbelieveably nice to me.she even told me i sounded like a new yorker.i was so happy happy.

the meet at chachoo's place was probably the most uncomfortable one i've ever had in my life.dad even told me he caught me feeling uncomfortable.fat uncle sprawled on big leather sofa,covering himself with a kid's fleece blanket and working on his laptop.fat aunty perched groggily staring at godknowswhat on the telly.girlys sippin on carbonated drinks and flipping thru holiday magazines.beautiful orange candles standing tall contrasting the stubborn dust.the half empty bottle of black label standing frigidly amongst it all.

indeed,very uncomfortable i was.

trying to read to camellia,but stopping to listen to the fuss going on downstairs.until she pokes me to life again.watching myself grow sideways,my lips forming a huger pout than i've ever known.not being able to explain what i feel when i hear regina spektor or think about fav mani person.

there are so many things you can catch on a camcorder.and i intend to do just that.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

la da dum

loose hair
climbing ladders
infinite walking
into the oblivious..

the slightly toned muscle
the teeth that make no sense
the purpose that never ends.

the good,the bad
and the orange.
talk of tales long ago
and the people we used to be.

so much for the city,tall buildings
and tunnel music.
for sorrow breaks the day in the likeliest places.
like a mistletoe that you try to
avoid when you're too shy.

captivating November sun,
changing lives by hiding behind
the now leafless trees.
much thinking there is to be done tonight.
i dont know who i am yet.
and i think it would be nice to at least have some sort of idea.
the 2am chocolate has gone to the head and i'm thinking of how i think every romantic song is the romanticist one i've ever heard.i pushed my bed too close to my wall,and now it creaks every time i move on it.even though its a single bed,it has enough room for two people who could make it through it all if they were intertwined.
all the colourful things i ring up every single day make me dizzy and nauseous and i dont have time to breathe out my frustration.it'd be funny if i collapsed.i wonder if the world would stop moving.
i drove too hard into the puddle that collected itself unceremoniously on the broken road today.dad freaked and starting explaining to me how the tires float on the water and how i should never do that again.its odd to listen to things like opinions or advice or suggestions or orders.you dont quite understand what's going on and how you're going to fit that into your everyday life.you just learn on your own whim.but i guess its nice to hear people waste their breaths,not knowing its completely wasted itself.

where i live is so old,there's still a train that passes through the town,and almost 40% of the houses are ones we used to see in 'little house on the prairie' or 'anne of green gables'.i can almost imagine women walking with cotton,lacey umbrellas,with metal frames under their dresses talking about the cornbread they're storing over the winter and how the battlefield still brings out soldiers from its deep grass.

the thing about this song,about any song,is the way i am completely transformed into a place near the sea,or a field full of dandelions,tall and lanky all of a sudden,crouching and laughing all at the same time.the banjo is playing in sync to my curly hair bouncing up and down.

i think i'm going to be sick.
seeing too many people scares me.
i'm not used to big crowds and strangers i can only exchange three sentences with.its all so unnerving,and yet here i am,hoping for a miracle to present itself,even though i'm sure i dont know what it will contain.but it will bring calm.
my feet are cold as the train goes by and i cant think because its so loud even though its so far away.the sun was setting where the meadow is and the forbidden forest with the fence around it was so appealing in the orange light.the beauty of not having people around is mesmerizing in its own way.its just you,and colour,and the greatness of Nature.thats what songs do,they connect you with natural things,the wind,beautiful rocks and sceneries and light;either too much or none at all.they connect you with people when ur walking around some random store and a single rhythm brings you and the person next to you,in front of you,together.you exchange breif smiles,each instantly caught up in different memories of nature..rasberries,a kiss on the neck,a robin's nest.

the banjo plays in the background.


Tonight with the sea and the salty breeze
The milk from your breast is on my lips
And lovlier words from your mouth to me
And salt from my sweat and fingertips

My hands they seek the end of afternoon
My hands believe and move over you la la la
La da da la la la da dum

Tonight with the sea and the rhythm there
The waves and the wind the night is black
Tonight with the scent of your long black hair
Spread out like your breath across my back

Your hands they move like waves over me
Beneath the moon tonight near the sea
La la la da da dum
La da dum

Thursday, November 02, 2006

the art

orange leaves were playing in the field with the wind today.running around in circles after each other,friends,enemies,allies,companions all.long,wonderful walk i had..all along the green meadow behind my house,then the forest across the busy road.i have figured that i'm a nature person if there ever was one.i could live in a forest or in a cave if i absolutely had to.but i guess that's not really about nature,its about how you adapt to your surrounding..and i guess i'm pretty good at that.i find something good in every place,even the dirtiest most un-liveable places.i always find a way out.

but anyway,today was just beautiful.i felt like a guess fall model,hair blowing in the obvious wind,smiling in the sun,scarf going astray.it was positively wonderful.all out of a piece from let's say..an iron and wine song.

had an absolutely wonderful dream about God and candles and good karma.i feel i'm more blessed than i deserve to be.of course i do nothing,but i get this idea that God likes me despite my stupid every day faults.dad says its all about having good intentions and that thats what really counts.dad says he believes in humanity more than any religion in the world.he wants me to save all the stamps i buy.but how the hell disney stamps?i'd rather post em on my wall if anything else.

(i'm so HAppy,btw=) *beams*)