much thinking there is to be done tonight.
i dont know who i am yet.
and i think it would be nice to at least have some sort of idea.
the 2am chocolate has gone to the head and i'm thinking of how i think every romantic song is the romanticist one i've ever heard.i pushed my bed too close to my wall,and now it creaks every time i move on it.even though its a single bed,it has enough room for two people who could make it through it all if they were intertwined.
all the colourful things i ring up every single day make me dizzy and nauseous and i dont have time to breathe out my frustration.it'd be funny if i collapsed.i wonder if the world would stop moving.
i drove too hard into the puddle that collected itself unceremoniously on the broken road today.dad freaked and starting explaining to me how the tires float on the water and how i should never do that again.its odd to listen to things like opinions or advice or suggestions or orders.you dont quite understand what's going on and how you're going to fit that into your everyday life.you just learn on your own whim.but i guess its nice to hear people waste their breaths,not knowing its completely wasted itself.
where i live is so old,there's still a train that passes through the town,and almost 40% of the houses are ones we used to see in 'little house on the prairie' or 'anne of green gables'.i can almost imagine women walking with cotton,lacey umbrellas,with metal frames under their dresses talking about the cornbread they're storing over the winter and how the battlefield still brings out soldiers from its deep grass.
the thing about this song,about any song,is the way i am completely transformed into a place near the sea,or a field full of dandelions,tall and lanky all of a sudden,crouching and laughing all at the same time.the banjo is playing in sync to my curly hair bouncing up and down.
i think i'm going to be sick.
seeing too many people scares me.
i'm not used to big crowds and strangers i can only exchange three sentences with.its all so unnerving,and yet here i am,hoping for a miracle to present itself,even though i'm sure i dont know what it will contain.but it will bring calm.
my feet are cold as the train goes by and i cant think because its so loud even though its so far away.the sun was setting where the meadow is and the forbidden forest with the fence around it was so appealing in the orange light.the beauty of not having people around is mesmerizing in its own way.its just you,and colour,and the greatness of Nature.thats what songs do,they connect you with natural things,the wind,beautiful rocks and sceneries and light;either too much or none at all.they connect you with people when ur walking around some random store and a single rhythm brings you and the person next to you,in front of you,together.you exchange breif smiles,each instantly caught up in different memories of nature..rasberries,a kiss on the neck,a robin's nest.
the banjo plays in the background.