Saturday, December 27, 2008

what does it take to find a lost love?

Maybe I'm too emotional for a 22 year old, but something happened today that has never happened before. The sound of the sitar made me cry.
How is it that everything in your life...every memory of peace and happiness and loss and betrayal..all encompass one person? How is it that all you have to do is look at this person and you just know...that jumping off a building is no feat. Bursting out of your skin is no feat. Dying....is no feat. How is it...that she is all he wants? Every moving muscle in his body moves knowing that she is alive..and well and...safe.Life could go backwards in slow motion and all he would want would be her. From the moment he saw her standing in a corner, to the moment they've grown and become different halves of one self.
There is a note that plays in my head every time I see you. It bubbles inside me like a frothy warm drink. It fills my mind with color on a gray day. It tells me that no matter what we've been through, no matter how many times the seasons change, no matter where we end up...you will run after me with blind viciousness when they are taking me away.

flickr it

you know where it is.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

sundaes make me happy


I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

Thursday, December 18, 2008

was machst du gern?

As long as you learned the art of being devoid of emotion, you were set to have the time of your life. No regrets. Just don't think about it. Don't think about how you're setting yourself up for disaster, and then there won't be one. Right now, at this very moment, I can safely say that there is not a single fucking person who knows what exactly is going on in my life. Not you, or you..no not even you. Good thing? Bad thing? I'm kind of sort of ok with it actually. It sucked being 17 and wanting the world to know every.single.detail. And now that I have so many people everywhere, there's really no use gushing about what a fucking idiot I am.
a) they wouldn't get it
b) i'm not eloquent enough to worm my way out of complicated explanations
c)there's nothing really complicated going on anyway. nothing and everything extremely special to report.

Like I said, as long as I don't think about it, and as long as people stay who they are, I'll eventually snowball my way out of this fantasy full of dreams and friendships and wanting everything all the time.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Running down West Avenue in a pink dress and flip flops.

God has a funny way of saying ' Go to class, child'.
A funny way of handing you life for a day and then taking it back. Things collide at 4:38 am that people may or may not remember 10 years from now. They may not remember how they made me feel, how I made them feel, how we became us and us became them. The curtains decieve me in the night and become my worst nightmares.
I took 82 anonymous pictures today.
None of them significant, yet...

Pick me up through a puddle and show me things I cannot see.
Push the hair back from my face and stop staring at my pimple.
Look at me in the eye and tell me what words cannot explain.
Play my favorite song on my favorite instrument.
Sit with me in secret corridors and oh how I wish things could stay more or less the same.
Or completely different.

Is it possible, to survive without the people we know?
Is it possible, to laugh still, to put the world on hold?
Wait, world, let me let it out for once. Positively, for once.
I like this little content bubble you've thrown me into.
Let me float in it a little longer, for once.


I've lost so many things to the monsters under my bed that I'm not even surprised when they turn up once in a random moon.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

can i?

of arabic music, burnt cookies and questionable orange juice.
of making faces and never, ever, ever wanting to stop being daddy's girl.
of fucking up, realizing it, and not doing anything about it.
of being beaten down into the ground,
and finding the strength to get right up again.
of never being at peace.







*

Friday, November 28, 2008

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

today, it is good weather for airstrikes

I Slide Forward Through My Head
I Think Half Way
Backwards
See Myself Sing
The Anthem We Wrote Together
We Had A Dream
We Had Everything
We Rode To The End Of The World
We Rode Searching
Climbed Skyscrapers
Which Later Exploded
The Peace Was Gone
Balance Leaks Out
I Fall Down
Slide Forward
Through My Head
I Always Return To The Same Place
Total Silence
No Answer
(But) The Best Thing God Has Created
Is A New Day

Friday, November 21, 2008

no one's the martyr


all you know is the way
that he made you feel
he made you feel safe enough
to feel at all
it's all there in the moment
you understood
that he's not going on
and you're still going on

Thursday, November 20, 2008

so many "i love you's"
whats a girl to dooooooooo

=)

Sunday, November 16, 2008

i want to strip you
of everything else but you
to see if i still love you
i want to peel and scratch and scrape
till nothing is left to see
and then i want to love you
just as you are, layers and all
knowing i've seen you without
and loved you

Friday, November 14, 2008

closure

God is going to help now because
a) He has to
b)no one else will/ is capable
....
So much for groceries.
With wet shoes and sensations of failure in my heart, I walk home.By this point in time I don't even care how far it is, as long as I can just hide.My blood is bored of running in my veins, it just wants to run amock.

He turns his face upside down to look at her, see her laughing at his expense. She giggles and continues to pick at the leaves off the bush, her idle hands itching for something to do as her heart sinks. They are both talking, about nothing in particular, but about everything else. He teases her with words he knows will sting her; she is laughing through her pain. Laughing through it all. Laughing out loud even. She knows hope always takes a turn for the worst, but she also knows that this isn't the worst. Shit happens, right? Its ok. Let him stab me with his sweet gesticulations, I will survive. They talk some more, about blondes and Gucci bags and it all boils down to what an asshole he really is, and why the hell is she putting up with this anyway? There is a boy, somewhere out there, who loves her like she was hazlenut chocolate wrapped in golden paper. A boy who'd be able to tell the difference between the tears and the rain on her face.
'So we're cool right?'
'...*sigh*..yes'
' Friends?'
' Yes,thank you'
' Well, good luck'
' You too'
He turns and runs as fast as he can. He knows if he stops, he won't be able to walk away from her ever again.
She stands, watching him fade in the distance.
Jao, tumhe azaad kiya. Tum bhi kya yaad karo ge.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

pagan

Let me fall into your hug.
Let me crash into your crooked nose.
Let me be your beginning and your anti-climax.
Let me the words that jump off your page and choose to imprint themselves in your memory.
Let me be the hum that gracefully, clumsily escapes your lips.
Let me smooth the lines on your forehead.
Let me be the distance you yearn to cross.
Let me be the tingle on your fingertips on a frost-bitten morning.
...

Let me be the vanilla in your smoky sky.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

5-minute memories

We watched Sesame Street in German today. Kermit singing in German was priceless.
Its 3:53 am and I just finished watching Khuda Ke Liye. Can I just say that it put a lot of things into perspective? About love and religion and right and wrong and Narah-e-Taqbeer and who deserves justice and who's fault is it all really? Allah's?
The movie was perfect in the sense that it didn't resolve anything.
We all still stand here, as divided as ever as Muslims, as people, as human beings.
Which brings me to why would I want to hurt myself just in pursuit of attention. No let me rephrase that. Why would I surround myself with positive-ness, but still always find something negative about it?
Why would I let A say things to me, that sure, are funny sometimes, but really hurt my feelings later on?
Why would I let M push me around and then fall for all the sugary goodness that pours forth a few minutes later?
Is it true that all boys want good girls?
What if I'm not a good girl? Where does that put me? Why does everyone have to be so biased? Why, even though I've moved away from what I thought was the most judgemental society ever, am I still being judged?
Mera kasoor kya hai?
Ke mujhe khushi chahiye?
Tou phir tou duniya mein saray log hee gunagaar hain.
Khushi panay ke liye hum sab kaisay martay jatay hain. Kaisay apna aap bhool ke, apni izzat, apni thakhan.. khushi ke peechay bhaagtay hain. Ke kisi tarhan se hamein thori der ke liye sakoon mil jayay. Buss thora sa chen aa jayay, ke hum dil khol ke saans le sakein. Jee sakein, hans sakein. Kisi bhi tarhan ye jo dil mein bechaini hai, iss ko mitaa sakein.
Dil sala bechain bohot hai...

Thursday, November 06, 2008

berry blue


I feel the size of an empty bed
How will I find you?
How will I find you...

Thursday, October 30, 2008


I've seen it all, I have seen the trees,
I've seen the willow leaves dancing in the breeze,
I've seen a friend killed by a friend,
And lives that were over before they were spent.
I've seen what I was - I know what I'll be
I've seen it all - there is no more to see

suck in your lower lip child,and stop being lonely.
'The cold is sleeping in our bed tonight. Where's your warmth?'
'It felt like fire inside me, so I spit on it'

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

peephole

'You look like a scared little child'
'I am one'

Sunday, October 26, 2008

i can make you sway

Mani: then you don't love me.
love is a web you get tangled in wherever you go.
love is wherever you are. not where here is.
if love only exists when it is here, then you don't love me.
you just don't.
you just don't.
me: ....

Saturday, October 25, 2008

16th floor confessions

I sang at the rooftop, wind blowing mercilessly in my hair. It felt very much like a Damien Rice music video. No body was watching when I left a cookie for the birds and took my empty glass of milk back down.
My best friend is coming, I'm so happy, my heart is singing.

Friday, October 24, 2008

i guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower

I haven't been home much lately. With the concept of home being so perplexed, its hard not being nomadic. When you have no one to be nomadic with, it sucks. Then you have to come home. And then sit and do nothing, like I'm doing right now. Blogging to me is so fucking important, but because I have SO much to say all the time and not enough time to write it down, I'm not doing justice to it. Did any of that make sense? No, right? Thats what I mean. Even when I do say stuff its like.. a stoner talking. When your mouth tastes like mercury and when you like need for everyone to know. What exactly, that will always remain a mystery. It all makes sense in your head and thats all that matters really. Like now. Everything I'm doing, the person I've become, it all makes sense in my head, and if no one gets it, S, M, N, A...it doesn't.fucking.matter. Ok, no, I take that back, it does matter. They're my friends but if they are, they'd understand right? They shouldn't/ wouldn't judge me, right? Right? But what I'm trying to say is I really desperately need to be this person, whoever that is, I need to want to be someone so far removed from myself. Like when you eat even though you're not hungry cuz your body needs something to keep on keeping on. Umm..what was I saying? Yeah.

Uzzie asked me today 'So what gets you going?'
'Huh?'
'You know, I went into this whole gaming/3d animation bullshit, and you listened so patiently, so now its my turn to listen to you'
'umm..nothing I guess..just hanging out I suppose'
'What're you, a pho-hippie?'
'Hhahahahaha'
'I take that as a yes'

But do you see what I'm trying to get at? I blanked out. I didn't know what to say. Such a simple question and I couldn't string a sentence together. This is ridiculous really. A's right I'm soooo passionless now. I just do what I want to cuz..well..thats what everyone does, right? Kaiyfi: Arabic for 'I do what I want, when I want'.
So I have all this negative energy and these dreams and states of beings and alter egos and thats that. I'm not doing anything about it. I'm listening to Tiesto's 'Just Be' and thinking...easier said than done, honey. Nice voice though.
I love M, I really do, but its really not doing anything for me right now. I know you're reading M and you've always pushed me to be honest, and now I'm being honest so you can't be mad at me.Ok? Please.Please. You said you'd love me no matter what happened and what you did or what I did or who'd I'd become or what I'd say. Well this is me just being honest. I'm sitting here in my room with my shoes still on like I'm just waiting for a signal to just up and leave. And this is the honest to goodness truth. I fucking love you like you wouldn't believe, but there's a but. And thats not always good, and before it gets any worse, I just..I want you to know. I'm here, I always will be and I love you so please don't go into the whole 'I know its me and not you and fuck my life' phase, just..hear me out. Even though I'm making no sense whatsoever. Ok, I just read over that whole thing again and it didn't make any sense, but I have a feeling you know what I'm saying.
My nose is cold.
A said ' This is going to sound weird and you're probably not going to believe me, but I get it. You've always wanted what every other person in this whole world wants, and that is to be happy. I never understood it before and I realize it now, that you were so ahead of all of us, and we misjudged you'
I'm on a veggie diet. Can you believe it? I thought I'd never be able to do it, but honestly if you don't think about it, its not that hard. Cucumbers and hummus is the official shit. I'm gonna try and keep it up for as long as I can, a nice challenge to keep myself from being bored too much. Like I am right now.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

<3

011923328400428

Friday, October 17, 2008

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

even angels cry


Sigur Ros is for cold nights.When the violin is shrieking the crescendo in your ears as you force long and hasty steps into the oblivion. You count the blocks leading to home, or well..the concept of home at least. 4,3,2,1, now what?

The pictures have been torn off, the bed has too many pillows, the lovers who are having a hard time communicating. I want to be with the one I love. I'm trying to remember what you are. The illusion that became real. I know, you know? I know what you feel like, honest. Its like frost biting down on your alveoli.

Walking fast, God beating against her chest, she thinks about this. She thinks about the branches that have extended from her tree-like self, bearing good fruit, bad fruit, useless fruit, memorable fruit.

Your skin sends shivers down my spine. Your fingerprints leave marks on my face and when you kiss my back, I die inside. I turn the volume up to feel close to the rhythm, to let it move me, to let it surround me in its cloud of pixie dust and silk ribbons. Sometimes I get so tired I hallucinate. Things and people come to me in weird shapes and sizes. And stare me down. I feel their presence when I block everyone and everything out. Your way of life, I fear my dear, is eons different than mine. Still we hang around. You pull me out of the water only after I've drowned.

The leaves shiver in fear of the wind. He watches and dreams for the princess crying in the window.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

lucky

gori teri ankhen kahein,
raat bhar soyi nahein.


Sunday, September 21, 2008

birthday song

The things that I’ve loved the things that I’ve lost
The things I’ve held sacred that I’ve dropped
I won’t lie no more you can bet
I don’t want to learn what I’ll need to forget

I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn’t remind me of anything
I like playing in the sand what’s mine is ours
If it doesn’t remind me of
anything

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

they think i've lost it completely

She smelled of strawberry fields and sunshine, thought the elephant in the room, as she cocked her head to one side and frowned. She preferred sitting next to, not touching, the lover, habibati, Verliebte. She is stuck in this temporary wedlock of sexual convenience and cliched one-liners. It is all strangely befitting, it can either go this way or that, but she prefers not to think about consequences at the moment. His body melted with her cocoa butter touch and thats all she needed to be satisfied with.For now.
His pale body under her soft hands, skin stretching to show off its ductility. He didn't fit right, anywhere really, but since when has it worked out with people who do fit? Since almost never. And she didn't care anyway. Because all there was, the cool evening, dim lights, them, that was what she wanted to focus on. The window was thrown open, the bed stripped of its covers, and a game of water-spitting was in full swing. It bothered her how little there was to talk about sometimes, bothered her that she was dealing with two completely different people with the same face, bothered her how there was no botheration at all whatsoever. The hair, the eyes and those lips...oh those deliciously symmetrical, perfectly colored lips...
There is something that wants to come out, something that wants to just sit there and be massaged, there's no need for words. Just scents, rubber balloons, stolen glances and knowing smiles.

Just...

stories from the city


Can you hear them?
The helicopters?
I'm in New York
No need for words now
We sit in silence
You look me in the eye directly
You met me
I think it's Wednesday
The evening, the mess we're in




The city sun sets over me
The city sun sets over me



Night and dayI dream of
Making love to you now baby
Love making on screen
Impossible dream


And I have seen
The sunrise over the river
The freeway, reminding of
This mess we're in


What were you wanting?
I just want to say
Don't ever change
And thank you
I don't think we will meet again
I really must leave now
Before the sunrise
Above skyscrapers
The sin and
This mess we're in


The city sun sets over me
The city sun sets over me

Thursday, September 04, 2008

wtf sla, call me already.

easy now.

We both sleep in our big big beds, the sounds of the city streaming unconsciously through closed windows. The moon bursts when our thoughts collide, stumbling into a captivating cloud of smoke and dreams. The grass turns a different shade of green as our crimson bodies lie helplessly entwined.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

make it hott

She smelled bitter when I kissed her.
The music exploded into existence, like water fairies and pixie dust.
Birds and byrds shriek at the sounds of death looming too near.
Dreams are so interesting when you're wide awake.
pretty boy for pretty girl.
Her eyes freeze at the sight of him. How can eyes freeze? Who knows. A lot of impossible little things happen when people daydream.
Not writing leads to many fun dreams.
' Stop being like a paparazzi'
'.....sowwie..'

Friday, August 29, 2008

Zahra..

JUST GOT SIGUR ROS TICKETS.
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOM
GOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

'...but I'm happy! I'm happy!', she cries.

fits around me so tight

People become thread occupants of meaninglessly useful everyday organisms. They cinch together the mismatching fabrics that is their lives in hopes of...mildly interesting pillow talk. Or a nice California sushi lunch. We are all opting for bigger, better things for a second or two of what is most scarce in supply: happiness. Is it in a red and yellow box with a toy inside? Or in the silky touch of a just-showered lover's legs. Possibly in the shadows that trees make, something your fingers are itching to sketch. Whatever it is, whoever it is, I hope against all hopes that it is waiting for me like I am waiting for it.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

'The minute you are close, the world is okay. Till then, I'm just the thickest fog twirled around your fingers.'

the tiniest closing

The notebook is lost for sure. She is parading around her room, naked except for her colorful hipsters, biting down hard on her neatly trimmed thumbnail. Her Victorian window is open, curtains and all, but she doesn't mind. Its a big city, half-naked people are easily forgotten. For now, her worry was the notebook. Schemes, evil plans, daily schedules, important thought processes, all were in there. Will someone find it and be kind enough to return it? Or be overjoyed by finding someone's life in a book and keep it.

Monday, August 18, 2008

are you mad at your walls?

the excitement of finding a 5 dollar bill on the road is wearing off. Its not the fact that there's loads of time to think, its the loads of mindless thinking time that bothers me. I mean, how many times am I going to repeat stories of my country, boyfriend, parents, blah blah, unimportant things? I'm stuck in a slightly monotonous rut. And fuck the girl, I hope she dies.


My room looks phenomenal. Big. Graciously welcoming. I still have trouble sleeping though. Weird thoughts like Bill Murray's rubber dick (?) keep me awake. I don't know why that was important, it wasn't important.


Ok, I know what this place is lacking. The drive for people to succeed. Ok, what bullshit, I've only been here a single weekend. And the business district was closed. So really, I don't know what I'm talking about. Its just...I never expected to see what I see here. To think this used to be the Confederate capital during the civil war, and its so....scene-ster now. Which is good, I mean its great, perfect, I fit right in with all the misfits. I become one of the head-turners, the hated hippies, another brick in the wall.


Fuck, I can't believe I'm here!
Here and constantly drunk on oj.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

i stumble like a clown

She sneaks in, like a mouse in its hole.
Slipping into something comfortable, its like a slow-motion scene from an epic movie. The lights are dim, almost non-existent, film-grained. The dust on the wooden floor quivers as she tiptoes around. This was the best part of the night, hands down, no questions asked. Coming to the smell and sights and sounds of what was hers, what was home. Her jewelery tinkled as if it was giggling while she put it in its respective box. She could smell wet socks, her pretty button nose wrinkled in disapproval, but tomorrow would be a nice banana-pancake day. She'd fish em out soon enough. It was so quiet that the ticking clock gave her a headache. She smiled sleepily at the friendly occupant of her over-sized bed. The mattress springs whined as she climbed in and scooted over to adjust herself around him. He was snoring, like any young man snores when they know they're sleeping well. 'Till death do us part,' she whispered into his dream, wrapped her leg around his waist and hugged him till she herself was snatched away into fantasy land.
Here's to fumbling with my own house keys.
to conquering bad dreams alone.
to not cleaning my room for once.
to eateries, tattooed gypsies and amazing roommates.
to life, here i come.

Monday, August 11, 2008

As I look at the 'National Funeral Home' and put on my sunglasses for the evening sun, I think..no wait, I sigh. Was that awkward? Did I make it awkward?
I think I did.
Consumer Zahra is screaming to be let out.

Friday, August 08, 2008

jumped in a river
what did i see?
black-eyed angels
swam with me...


She hates me.
I guess I could deal with one more person in the world who hates my guts.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

upside down fljotavik ftw.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

I just looked through 687 facebook pictures of mine to figure out WHY the FUCK I'm so ANImated.
but to no avail.

oh well, at least I made you laugh. or cry.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

In pitch dark
I go walking in your landscape

Thursday, July 31, 2008

uh-oh

Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:

  • Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
  • Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
  • Fatigue or loss of energy
  • Physical and mental sluggishness
  • Appetite or weight changes
  • Sleeping too much or too little
  • Concentration and memory problems
  • Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
  • Thoughts of death or suicide

don't bother,i'll be fine.

Mani- $100
Saph- $500
Lace- $130
Mom- $1500
The Goverment- $$$

I just want to be happy.
Right now its kind of the opposite. I'm infuriated.
I feel like I've done nothing right. Every day I put on a brave face.But for what? For who?
I..

Monday, July 28, 2008

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

my,my.
anonymous people always seem to have the strongest sense of opinion.too bad they're anonymous, otherwise who knows? maybe their opinions would count in the real world.

(refer to comments on recent posts)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

getting back to myself

http://flickr.com/photos/chocomallow/
My mother is coming into her own.
New friends are creeping out of dark corners and they talk about people like them with weirder stories.I can hear her 'oooh' and 'hawww' and 'waqai?' downstairs like there's no tomorrow.Uh-oh, heard her put the phone down. Time for 'ZAHRA! Idhar aao tumhe barri mazay ki baat sunaoon!', which in actuality is not at all 'mazay' ki, its just me witnessing what I'm going to be like at 59.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

$1

I hate thinking about it. But its very hard to not think about when I'm pmsing and my uterus will take any excuse to get angry. I'm sorry, but I guess a tiny portion of me will never forgive, never forget.

I think about you even when I'm with you. I wonder what you're thinking about when you're shaving and not looking at me? Are you thinking of me too? I'm standing right behind you in the mirror, you know. Wondering what you're thinking. Fact is, when we're together, there's nobody else, and when we're not, its like nothings even there.

I cried less during the movie this time, but I'd... I don't know. Sometimes I'm so angry I could kill someone. One person in particular.

Also, I've realized I'm not that good of a writer. I don't have motive or thought. The drive to move people has fizzled and faded. I pretty much suck at everything now.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

all mine

observe sex face, popped collar, general gora-ness.
hahahahaha
oh yeah.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Hello London

Eating a cream cheese bagel 3 days before I have to fit into a lovely size 4 dress?
Not such a good idea.
My stylist (i.e, me) will not be pleased.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

lay around



He said "do you write for you or other people?"
I said "other people"
I said "I want them to see the beauty
that I can but just can not seem to touch,
which is only a metaphor for all of us."
I said "I think I'm trying to capture a moment
I think my whole life I've been trying
to capture that moment"
He said "one thing you can be sure of,
is that you never will"

chink

I went to her page tonight after so long.
You know, just for shits and giggles.
Last entry : 24th May, 2008. I arrived on the 25th, stir up things a bit. Girls love drama, you know.
Sort of makes me wonder why she really kept the pills.
Maybe she'll use them after all.
hum dee dum.

Monday, July 07, 2008

necessary and right

happy + sugary with chocolate on top
one lump or two with yer blues?

saph


'tumhey dekhta kaisey hai yeh larka. it's touching.'

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Atoms for Peace

I want you to get out
And make it work

I can't stop listening to this song,amazing amazing amazing.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

A true Hippie

I understand drugs now.Not fully,nor do I intend to go that way,but my god,what an amazing first experience.The first 10 minutes felt like I was dying, or being killed. Poor Lynn and Peech, kept giving me water and I kept throwing it back at them,the trash can was my best friend.After the roller coaster ended though (literally I say myself enjoying death)it was the best feeling in the world.

Lynn took me upstairs after all of Fooki's friends had a really good laugh (I laughed with them,a bit too much) and lay me down on the couch. Brandon sweetheart knew how much I love 'In Rainbows' so he put his Mac next to me so I could hear it despite so many people being there.
oh.
my.
god.
Every single song brought around a different imagery. I was literally In Rainbows, falling feet first downside up into a Technicolor sky.In one song, everyone was kissing each other.In another, my body became a wave of water, and so on and so forth.Another one was so powerful, so physically moving that I actually felt M's penis inside me.I mean,what the fuck man,thats what I want to feel like all the time.

At one point I tried to touch the music and it felt liquid glittery.Explain that to me?That kind of feeling isn't remotely possible in real life.Then Bran put on MGMT (how does he know these things) and I started dancing mad crazy to 'Electric Feel'. God,I did feel electric.

When I got the 'munchies' (high school terminology for being really hungry.refer to www.urbandictionary.com) it was so hard but so fun to eat!I got 'cotton mouth' (again, www.urbandictionary.com) and chewed on one chip for about 10 minutes. And then started laughing about it. Lynn said I got slightly creepy in between and would yell stuff like 'dragons!' and 'hot bitch!' and laugh like a maniac. Fooki's friends would come up to say hi to me and I would cover my face before shaking their hand cuz I mean, it was fucking embarrassing but hilarious at the same time.

What else?Alligators,pink elephants,lots and lots and lots of color. I wish I'd drawn whatever I was seeing,or write whatever I was thinking, I'd have come up with something awesome like music or kryptonite.Fuck.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

bloc party

'she's got sucha dirty mind
and it never ever stops
and you don't taste like her
and you never ever will'

awesomest gift



'A word picture of your blog, with most frequent words most bold.'
gg xD

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

A5

I came early to people-watch.My uniform is hideously huge, but I decided to wear it anyway. Today, I feel like looking ugly.I feel like going to Spain. Or Germany. Before this blessing is over at least.

Mom and Dad are going to Toronto in the morning. Hopefully they don't throw each other off the plane.No,I'm kidding,they've been behaving extra ordinarily nice to each other. Maybe they're growing up? With their first kid off to college and being in the process of buying a better house,I suppose you have to.

I keep telling everyone I know,they're wonderful people, just not when they're together.They both realize and acknowledge their faults and miraculously do nothing about them.I don't understand why its like that,not just with them but my whole family. 'Ooh, look, a problem. Lets play 'pretend its not there'. Its like that ad 'Ignoring global warming won't make it go away'.
Like why is everyone still mad at S phupho? So what if her daughter married a Hindu, big fucking whoop. Maybe he'll keep her happier than a Muslim man ever would have. And I mean, sure, S phupho needs to stop complaining that no one really 'participated'. 'Meri beti ke liye dholki nahin rakhi aur Aliyah ke betay ke liye rakhi thi, tou that means no one loves me,tou marr jao saray'. Bhai.Yaar. And K uncle blaming Mom for something that is entirely his fault, something he should've taken care of 10-20 years ago.But no. We all need someone to blame. Like how its always N chachi's fault just because she really doesn't have balls to stand up to anyone, let alone her own children. Or how B uncle's kids are the stupidest human beings alive just because he's the worst parent ever.Like anyone's ever a good parent. Like a good,good parent. If your child turns out decent, you're lucky. If not, oh well. Its not like anyone knows how to raise a child. Its not something you go to school for, pay thousands of dollars to get better at. And if you have your own parent as a 'teacher',well good luck then too. No offence, I bet yours are amazing.I don't even know what I'm trying to get at. Buss yahan ye faida hai ke you can stay away from the drama if you choose to. Sure,they'll bother you about it,but what more can they do?

I suppose its slightly better than snipping and tearing the problem apart, like Mom's family does back home. 'Baby khala ne ye kaha,tou Maham kitni batameez hai, tou haw hai, khandaan ka naam barbaad ho gaya'. Honestly its what I ran away from. From the whole 'Iss ki shadi karwa do;why does she go out so much? khandaan mein aur koi larki tou itni social nahin hai. Kya beta, Literature parhna hai? Woh tou beta aap waisay bhi kitabein parh ke dil khush kar lo apna, ye koi profession thori hua. Aur waisay bhi tum jawan ho gayi ho,tumhari shadi ho jani chahiye. Don't you feel left out, baki sari friends ki shaadiyan ho rahi hai? No, it means more dancing and eventually more meat for me.Aur haan, shadi ke faurann baad bacha paida kar lena, you don't understand, aurat bohot nazuk hoti hai, and past 25 years tou waisay bhi bachay nahin paida karne chahiyein.Chalo jee,meri tou sari life set ho gayi hai.Thank you so much.Array meri jaan, no problem,what else is family for?
Sigh.

What gunther said:
Blah blah blah x 30.

current mood: Lay Around by The Jealous Girlfriends

float

'God,how many times do I have to say it?I don't feel like it tonight.If you want it so bad,go find yourself another pussy to lick.I don't care'.

He almost slept in the corner that night.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Do what you want.
I do not,will not,should not mind.

Friday, June 27, 2008

My children will know where most major countries are, along with their flags.
Small airplanes scare the living fuck out of me. I'm used to big,big ones, their sights and sounds.This,not so much. Take-off se waisay bhi jaan jati hai.

On a lighter note, Philly is only 23 minutes away. And I found mom's ring in my purse, it made me cry for the times when she won't be here.I'll wear her jewelery all the time,then.

bells and gongs

I don't know why I feel so tongue-tied.
My thoughts are misguided and a little naive.
When he touched me, I felt like I was being skinned alive.Peeled,grated,sliced into star-shaped pieces.
Right foot is bigger than the left, and my scars won't go away.
I do feel bad.Why do I do it? Cuz I expect those who love me to understand.And get hurt in the process too. But you're right, I need a new strategy.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Zahra is a laid-back,red shoe wearing,on Button sitting,cold apple pie eating,walking endlessly in the sun,responsible,minus camera (dis tyme onli),adventure-seeking tourist woman.

back to the city now,hey lets go.

Friday, June 20, 2008

yours truly

I think we were meant
to hold rituals in mud
and throw watermelon seeds
To wipe bread crumbs
off each other's face
To wear hoods in
the wrong season.
I think you were always meant
to finish my leftovers
And I to untie your knots.

Monday, June 16, 2008

your secret's out now.

Be something worthwhile,goddamn it.
You throw me a bone,I give you my skeleton.
In my moments of weakness,I could tell you my truths.And you'd be shocked.
I'm so tired of living a paused life, picking at your feet for attention.
My body cries.
I am tired of you writing long and empty paragraphs.They mean almost nothing when we're not together.
I want your heart and you want my soul.
No time to slow down.Yakkay ba deegray.Fast,fast,fast,everything should move like a merry-go-round.
It is time for change,it is time for replacement, time to explore and time to chase rainbows.
Placebo effect.
Swimming in lakes with strangers.Orange sun drowning in the blue water.
When did you stop making me happy?
When?
We are the same.
the pressure that comes with being well-liked.

Saturday, June 14, 2008


Lynnie:
'But its ok, cuz I know you fell in love with me first'

hellz.yeah.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Do not generate curiosity
For there is much room to err
Up on the ladder, out of time to escape
Up on the ladder, we wait for your mistake
Up on the ladder, trying to crawl out the way
Up on the ladder, you're all the fucking same

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

come on.lets lie on a bed of nails pretending to be grass.
'that's a funny way of breathing....'
'you're a funny way of breathing'
'...'


hahahahh,i less than 3 people.

Friday, June 06, 2008

damn.
nothing like giving the booty a good workout.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

alter ego

spring awakening and playing with lights.



your party's over,its done,the end.

Work was slightly scary today. First the tornado (that I wasn't even aware of,by the way, I should always check the weather beforehand). Did save a woman's life,so that was ok. Then the pipe bursting out of the airplane's side.What.the Fuck. If that thing blew up, I'd have no where to hide. I'm sure some people would be ok with me dying, others not so much.


Went to Lace's to discuss...things. Best friend things. It was awesome with lightning and the rain, then orange chicken with steamed rice. Earlier, me and Saira talked about Atonement and how we both have the same favorite scenes, the Keira dress-picking and the end 10-minute stretch. She said she was very pleased I had noticed the no break part.


...I'm sure he yells at me because of me. There's no reason for him to yell otherwise...I just need to be yelled at from time to time.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

free love

we need each other because we have no one.
no,wait wait.
we need no one because we have each other.
(much better)

Monday, June 02, 2008

death by nailpolish

hahahahahahah.
people are funny.
this whole esther situation is getting to be extremely funny.
anyhoo,nuff bout that.

lynnie+saira+saag+new bike+white eyeliner.
what an absolutely marvelous day!
took loads of pictures of the new place, can't wait for George to get there, hop about:).
what else?
wore my shirt inside out.
dreamed about Radiohead at Leicester Square.
ate like a mofo on fire, London really starved me.
GOT MY CAMERA BACK.w00t w00t.
planned out London,Germany and D.C.


kal ki kis ko khabar,janay jana
rok lo,aaj ki raat ko.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

x

but i secretly wish no one else knows what it is like to love you. it is the most absolute wonderful feeling.
cinnamon in hot chocolate. with whipped cream on top.

Zahra had a diagonal time

I am.....bemused..at the monster I've become.I did not mean for it to end like this, I have never been mean to anyone. Not to this extent. Oh well, I suppose? Not that I knew any of these people particularly well, nor will I get a chance to know them and not that it matters anymore. I do not feel responsible for anyone but you.

I am sorry it had to come to this.
For your sake, I am sorry.

Friday, May 30, 2008

alterego

www.viktoryroze.blogspot.com

summer juicy

Almost lunch time.Good. I like lunch. I also like sleep but given the size of my current accomodation,it doesn't seem too much of an option. Looked through pictures,deleting unnecessary one. There weren't many of those, probably pertaining to the fact that unnecessary ones become necessary. Abdul being the absolute sweetheart he is let me use his camera for band rehearsal.Their chemistry is amusing to watch. A compact room doesn't help photography much, but it was altogether a delightful evening. Dave is super sleek and super cute. Andy,focused and driven. Mark is calculable and Mani? Attentive brooder. 'Did they find the treasure?'=)

I'll sort of refrain from talking about what I really kind of want to talk about till I at least get my ass off the English Peninsula. I know baby won't be too pleased about it. And anyway we're getting married and raising 4 children all over the world and none of this will ever need to happen again. It never would have existed.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

sex is good.
sex is fucking great.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

hahahaha
fucking cunt.
can't even defend yourself.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Zahra will laugh till her head comes off.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

he doesn't look a thing like Jesus
but more than you'll ever know

Friday, May 23, 2008

should I?
should I not?
so fucking confused.
gunther help?

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Oh in a dream
My love came to me
And made me swear
That I'd keep what's sacred to me
And if I get the choice
To fill in his name
I'll pray my way through the rain
Singing, Oh happy day
After I deepen the gashes, its gonna be a glorious death.
M- Haha, are you stalking me?
F- God I was kind of hoping you were. I'm sure as hell not going to make the first move.
M- If we weren't in uniforms under the ever-watchful eye of the American Government, I'd kiss you.
F- Haha. Now you're talking.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

get yourself together, let the light pour in.

I don't know why I've resorted to being like her.
Its not like I can't do better.
Better than you, better than her, better than him. Its probably my upbringing. I was taught I could never be the best, but I could keep on trying like the flawless ones around me. And so I did. Continue to. I started painting, singing, cutting, smoking, drinking, masturbating, anything that would make me remotely cool. Anything to keep myself from being me. And I know everyone out there who knows me is like 'but you don't have to try!you're so amazing!'. Yeah.Right.
If I was, why this? why try and be something I'm not? Why must I always seek approval? Such emo thoughts, I know. I know. I don't know what I want from anyone anymore. He's hurt me, gashed my insides, left me for the vultures.
Lacey told me not to blog about him. To not think at all,period. Maha says to love myself, chinky's not worth it. Compy says ' never forgive anyone who toys with your honor'. And him? All he says it that he loves me. His empty spineless love. His love that has kept me cooped up for days, his love that has made me into a Monday night drinker, a sinner, a saint. If you love me, then don't lie to me man. I think I deserve at least some respect. What have I not done for you? Have I not been good in bed? Have I not screamed at all the appropriate places? Did I not suck you off properly? Did I not lavish you with gifts? Cut my hair? Involve my family? What more do you want from me? You've taken all my friends. They absolutely adore you. Sexually even. You can have it all. My family, friends, hobbies, all. But leave my dignity alone. Leave my freedom alone. I understand this has got to stop. Self-destruction is a sweet, sweet thought. Anything to stop the crying. But I understand it will have consequences on the people who care about me.Except you.

You don't care.
I only want the truth
so tonight we drink to youth.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

you have to see it to believe it



I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
I just can't look, it's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'cause I'm Mr. Brightside
silent heartache July to June~

Monday, May 19, 2008

lies.all lies.

This is how words come into play.And they're supposed to make me feel special.

-I hate the chink.And it's you I love.There are no two ways about it.
-She does not love me. And I don't care about her.You are the only person I care about.I will not accept nor settle for anything less.You are paramount.You.
-I took no leap of faith.I took a dive.I love only you.And not a soul otherwise.I can only love you and sincere.I don't care.I love you.
-I love you.What does that say?I love you.You,you,you,you,you,you,you,you,you,you,you,you.You're the only one,zahra. You're the only one for me. I love you.
-Heartbreaking.But it's not going to stop me loving you.Nothing is going to stop me loving you. I love you,no one else.No matter how grand or pathetic I am.
-What she does is out of my control. She went with ben,louisa and neera. I certainly didn't fucking want her there.But you will believe what you want...

And there you have it.
I will now proceed to free myself of me.

try changing my mind.i dare you.

even in my dreams you hurt me.
you said it was 'alright' that it was a 'mutual consent'.
there was nothing mutual about it.and in the end you let the dogs chase me away.
why won't you stop hurting me?

Sunday, May 18, 2008

depression hurts.
cymbalta can help.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

The lure of your lips is making me stoop to new lows.
Bravo for lack of good judgment.


lacey + lynnie= remarkably good day.
bbq tomm.
throat still hurts,and now I'm breaking out because of the pollution. I need a teaspoon of honey and a red bull. My body has very much not recovered from the horror of working back to back doubles.And wow,do I need to do something about my face.



I've let him go, literally kicked him out.I let him go the second he told me about her.
But he keeps coming back like a sick puppy.
And I hate animals.Hate.
Whenever I hear Leona Lewis all I think about is how she nearly bled to death for him. I understand it was a very stupid and emo way of getting attention but she got what she wanted. She wanted to 'haunt' us forever, and she's there. Maybe she doesn't 'mean' anything to him that he 'hates' her, but not a second goes by without me thinking 'hmm.wonder what she's up to now'.And I just don't buy the fact that he doesn't talk to her anymore. They have all the same friends, they like the same kinds of music, they're both so very artistic.

But enough about that I suppose.
Really.
Everyone's so sick of this little triangle.
Time to suck on a dick.
Let the seasons begin,
I wish I was someone else.

too much ranting.

I told Mom what a womanizer I think you are.Did it once,likely to do it again.And of course, the same applies to me, I've made sure she's very well aware of that. She's started telling me how she's on my side. Regardless of what happens,what I do,who I chose (if anyone at all) she will support me.
I wish that was true.I wish she meant it with all her heart. But I know better. 21 years of Hitler upbringing does magical things to your reflexes.Its not about my respect,it never was.I don't care about 'izzatt' or 'log kya kahein ge'. But I do care about Mom.And Dad.She might as well pull the smile off her face,we both know how much she loves you.Despite the fact that she knows I'm not happy,that I don't love you like I used to.And she still swoons over the thought that you just may be the best possible catch I may ever get.
A womanizer. 'Better than nothing,beta'.My knight in shining armor.Who,in attempts to please me,ends up making me want to kill myself.Some love we've got goin on,honey.If anyone asks me whether or not I'm dating, I tell them on-again,off-again. Not the truth,never the whole truth.I'm a mystery in disguise and I'll make you love every minute of it. Plus, its an ego boost when men have that 'dayyyuum girl' look in their eyes around me. Apparently,with my new short hair,I can attract older men.Bahahhaha.I can have a sugar daddy,a nerd or a wannabe band member. And all the walking is doing my legs good. Longer,leaner. Better than even chinky's probably.
Everyone who knows about the whole 'situation' asks whether or not you slept with her. I say 'Hell as if I know'. Cuz we never tell each other the truth right? Never the whole truth.What if she sucked and you thought, well I'm not going to tap that again anyway,so whatever. Or what if she blew your fucking brains out..screamed louder and better than I did, drew blood from your back with all the clawing..?Well,then I guess I'm fucked,right?As much as I am right now.Who know what you're doing to her as we speak.' She might be at the concert, I don't know for sure'. Translation : She's inside sitting with me and Abdul which is why I had to come outside to talk to you.
Fuck you. Your law degree specializing in manipulation does absolute wonders. Congratulations,your parents must be so proud. And no,it does not matter to me at all how much you 'love' me. If yo loved me,you would never have let it gotten this far. You would have treated me, like a therapist to a child,not ignore whatever I have to say by going 'Well what can I say, I am an asshole'.I repeat: You would never have let it gotten this far.I don't love you,I don't want to love you,the flowers and prose part is over and done with. You can hang on to whatever promise,whatever memory,whatever anything of us.

I'm going to hang on to myself.

Friday, May 16, 2008

i hate this.
i hate you i hate her and i hate that she's going to be there for you.for the band.
whatever.
its not like i can do this anymore anyway.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

heavily paraphrased one-way convo

'No,what really kind of pissed me off was that...well what Dan said about you got me thinking.You really are changing,and if thats not enough,you're changing so fast.Its like every time I see you, you're a different person,and I'm not sure I'm ok with that. So I suggest you designate at least one day out of the week for me. I mean, at least someone has to keep a track of whats going on in your head'-
Lace
Blogging from work, haw.
Airport internet is sooooo slowwww.
plus I think it knows about facebook,and what the hell my boss is probably watching me in his office but whatevssssssss.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Going to Radiohead has changed my perspective about the human race.Endurance,survival and more endurance is what we are all made of.


Note to self: Try being nice.Try forgiving him for who he is, better yet, try forgiving yourself for what you are. Try not to take advantage of the fact that he lets you control him completely.
so me and fooki had a talk today.after so long even.
after coming to the conclusion that i was the one who fucked up this relationship more than you,we figured we were running around in circles.this is why-

3rd February 2008.10:1 pm:
We were in bed.
He turned and said to me "I doubt you'll find someone who is as concerned about you as I am right now."
I paused, looked at the ceiling and took one deep breath


"Don't ever say that..

Concerned? You, you have someone you love to return to as soon as this sweet holiday is over. I, I have only my own feet to fall back on. If there is no one else but you who loves me not, then I be damned and forever lonely. Don't ever ever say that again. I fight tooth and nail to leave my emotions outside your door.

Don't tease.

Invite me only when you have room in your heart."



You had room in your heart. You have room in your heart, for all of them.
You have treated them all like you have treated me.
The same words,the same positions,probably the same kiss even.
You can keep it,all of it,all of them. I want none of it.


And you, who are pretending to be strong and pretending to not have anything to do with this anymore, beware that you are glass. And that you reflect your light to make the world shine.The beautiful reflection comes with a dangerous price.

Monday, May 12, 2008

yummmmmmmmmm tequila.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

sometimes
you sulk
sometimes
you burn
god rest
your soul
when the
loving comes
and we've
already gone
just like
your dad
you'll never
change

Friday, May 09, 2008

she's won,he's won,she's won.
now they can finally get together and make asian babies.

(cheesy,i know)

She’s got the kind of look that defies gravity
She’s the greatest cook
And she’s fat free

She’s been to private school
And she speaks perfect French
She’s got the perfect friends
Oh isn’t she cool?

She practices Tai Chi
She'd never lose her nerve
She's more than you deserve
She's just far better than me

Hey, hey


So don’t bother
I won’t die of deception
I promise you won’t ever see me cry
Don’t feel sorry

And don't bother
I’ll be fine
But she’s waiting
The ring you gave to her will lose its shine
So don’t bother, be unkind


I’m sure she doesn’t know
How to touch you like I would
I beat her at that one good
Don’t you think so?

She's almost six feet tall(ha)
She must think I'm a flea
I’m really a cat, you see
And it's not my last life at all

Hey, hey


[Whispering]
For you, I'd give up all I own
And move to a communist country
If you came with me, of course
And I'd file my nails so they don't hurt you
And lose those pounds, and learn about football
If it made you stay, but you won't, but you won't



And after all I'm glad that I'm not your type, not your type, not your type, not your type
I promise you won't ever see me cry.
Oh in a dream
My love came to me
And made me swear
That I'd keep what's sacred to me
And if I get the choice
To fill in his name
I'll pray my way through the rain
Singing, Oh happy day
my love has ended in destruction
and the red bleeds out of the bullet holes
left on the right side

my self is stuck with compassion
and the carcass comes back to life
again and again
I'ma shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse

Thursday, May 08, 2008

its never one thing.
its an accumulation of fucks.
so apparently my name is zoe.
and i'm married.
without a ring
.....?
i love rumors.
:)

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

jet air blows away
covers of graves

vestiture buttons
all different colors

its a no brainer
leave it be
send him off
and come to me

deise Geld
wraps up the chocolate

some day far
the hair was held.

(leave it be and come to me)
wait,
they don't love you like i love you.

this suits me fine

lynn and andrew inspire me.they value simplicity in a degree I've never seen in 'normal' people.They are sincere,and content and quiet about existence.
I would like to be content.
In fact,I'd love to be just content.

In a dream I was a werewolf
My soul was filled with crystal light
Lavender ribbons of rain sang
Ridding my heart of mortal fright



I figure everything falls into place once you let it go. Just leave it be, go wallow in your misery and it comes back around. Like toads and caterpillars, groping at your legs for attention.
He is a predator and I,the pray.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

If all goes well, summer will make up for the horrible winter I've had.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

don't talk politics and don't throw stuff.

make room for all new friends.

Friday, May 02, 2008

postcards from italy is definitely a favorite now.

as far as painting goes,working on quite a few things.need more paints and more paper though.experimentation ftw=)

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I've found my way out of this mess.

Acrylics.
now the time has come for us.



'start a scrapbook.start a scrapbook for me'

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

the day i went walking in the rain,my neighbor thought it was cuz of my father.
i came home and mother thought it was cuz of my brother.
father thought it was cuz of my lover.
brother thought its was friend.

Gunther's right.There's always a 'he' involved.
"A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together."

-James H. Boren
run,little boy.
run as fast as your fat little legs allow you to.

Monday, April 28, 2008

godDAMN that movie put me in a good mood.
castration should be made officially legal,so men know to not to be such fucking assholes all the time.
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding.
Zh* says:
yes
Zh* says:
i dont care about you
Zh* says:
i dont love you
Zh* says:
you're right
Zh* says:
i'm crazy
Zh* says:
you were right about everything
Zh* says:
i
Zh* says:
i'm indecisive
Zh* says:
and i dont know what i want
Zh* says:
i'm tired of growing up
Zh* says:
and facing problems about love
Zh* says:
and injustice
Zh* says:
and Freud's theories
Zh* says:
its shocking the nuts out of my skull
Zh* says:
i told mom if she had warned me about this world i never would've come
Zh* says:
i hate it
Zh* says:
and everyone in it
Zh* says:
i just want to watch trains go by
Zh* says:
and hear the rain fall into ponds

Sunday, April 27, 2008

no
NO
.......no
One night of magic rush
The start, a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief

give me your dagger.i am ready to stab.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

9 crimes

cheating
lying
stealing
hypocrisy
unfaithfulness
---
---
---
murder.
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
my lip bleeds in memories of you.
+
leona lewis
=
hmm.

Friday, April 25, 2008

lets not get ahead of ourselves here.
:)

Thursday, April 24, 2008

i cleaned the mold and grime,mother.
just for you.
you told me my life was a crime,mother.
so i cleaned away.all for you.



i hope you're happy now.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

i am stuck-up because i've been given leverage and priority above all.
racist feminist says:

impudence= all men.
7:31 am.
foggy.
i want you here,now,forever.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

the suicide had its impact.
so after countless months of fighting with myself and everyone around me,I prayed.
It could've,would've,should've been me.

Monday, April 21, 2008

That girl thinks she's the queen of the neighborhood
I got news for you --
she is !


:)

do/need

german,run,sociology,run,money,money,money.
baby girl
turn me on with your electric feel

the beach party

Don't want all this cold cold shit
throw off your shirt and let's get
hot hot hot
we've never been, we've never been to the bridge,
throw off your skirt and let's begin the rock
i've been to all the places on the block(you can believe it, believe it or not)
i like to rock, rock!
i like to rock, rock!
jump right in and in too deep
throw off your towel and let's get wet wet wet
bermuda shorts are comin back to town
throw off your pants and let's begin the dance
i've been to i've been to all the beaches on the strip and you better believe this shit
i like to dip, dip
i like to dip, dip
don't want all this cold cold cold shit
throw off your shit and let's get hot hot hot,
we've never been, we've never to the bridge
throw off your skirt and let's begin the rock
oh yeh i'm over here, oh yeh you're over there
we could get over here
then we begin to share
hot love on a platter,
let me be your dancer,
hot love on a platter,
let me be your dancer
He is amazing.
Only I can say that.
Your English may be perfect,and your paintings ghastly,but thats about it.


(a rainbow gone wrong dancing barefoot in the rain)

Saturday, April 19, 2008

taco bell confessions.

she has never ceased to amaze me.
:)

Friday, April 18, 2008

ha

You are no where close to what I've been to him.
and continue to be.

why don't you go ask?
be sure to take your knife with you again.
i'm happy without your intrusion,thankyouverymuch.as if you haven't done enough already.
everything will be ok once you don't exist.
so if i were you,i'd worry about myself.
because holes will start opening on the ground you walk on very,very soon.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

(i 'promise' to never talk about it ever again)

olafur arnalds reminded me of you and her.
holding hands.
so i threw the cd away.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

werewolf

I don't mean to close the door
But for the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes
Left stains on my sheets and stains on my soul
You left me broke down begging for change
Had to catch a ride with a man who's deranged

Monday, April 14, 2008

wisdom.

'you're never
old
enough
to
FORGIVE things
and FORGET.
nobody
slights your honor
and gets away with it.
NOBODY.'

Zahra is happy he's found his wings.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

When I told Abdul that my dreams were funny enough to keep me distracted from real life,I meant it.I followed him in Macy's with his wife and two kids, who turns out to be his sister and two kids.He spots me, but I look around for Lucky Brand stuff.As he's leaving,he hesitates and comes to me.
'You should call me'.I say the same thing.
'Oh right,you're here,right?'.I nod.
'Does Mani have your number?'
'A lot of people have my number'
'But I'll get it from Mani', he says with a slick smile.
'Fine'
He writes M120 on a piece of paper and gives it to me.
Fooki and Talat aunty arrive and she wants to go look at white and yellow Coach sofas for their new house in Arlington.Been Baj says she convinced Imaad to switch his furniture with her which is why she got an amazing deal on them.I suppose I'm happy.But I'm thinking Cold Stone ice cream.
He comes back and the setting changes to a room with a dark wooden door,a dingy mirror and lots and lots of clothes.His face changes from his to Ali's to a big bald black man's with a pimply penis.I'm glad he doesn't succeed in plugging me and I realize its Dija Baji's room cuz I see children clothes.She comes in to give me my IAD pass and I fly away to Niagra Falls.

fuckin hilarious if you were in my shoes.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

i know who i will love most infinitely.
my children.
i will become my mother,marry a man who doesn't love me and build my life around the little ones and then let my soul die when they grow up and aren't there anymore.
i will become my mother.

Friday, April 11, 2008

don't act like you know what this is all about.
don't you dare.

Monday, April 07, 2008

man if i didn't become the racist that circumstances have made me,i'd adopt an asian kid

sigur ros,you are beautiful.


and just like that,
history repeats itself.
i'm not telling anyone what goes in my mind,anymore.

no,not even you.
and especially not you.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

What I am to you
Is not real
What I am to you
You do not need
And what I am to you
Is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea
so easy for you to say:

'ab buss bhi kar do.forget it.'

no.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Ambition is waking up at 6:30am on a misty,41 F Friday,saying 'fuck school' and taking all necessary steps to immortalize said statement for the next 4 hours and 10 minutes.The problem that intervened was that an exam had to be dropped off either before or after.I decided before,so I wrote a plain note explaining how my uterus couldn't care less for the 18th century Industrial Revolution thus I could not attend class today.Are you fucking kidding me?Thats not what I wrote.I said my dad was in the hospital,in actuality meaning he was sleeping peacefully under his pristine yellow sheet in his 'hospital-like' bed.
I'll be honest with you, I thought about changing,I really did.But then it occurred to me that I might actually become awake and lose my present state of half-asleep,half-not,so I decided against it.I grabbed my coat and that was that.It was only when I was halfway there that I noticed how intolerably pathetic this all was,and just for a few extra hours of bed rest?No matter,my uterus says,I shall reward you by staying calm today.That promise is enough to keep me going for another good hour if I have to,so I carry on.I park in the 15 minute parking and slam my car door.The parking lot seems to be empty,but there are always those early bird ass-kissers wandering around.And sure enough,there's someone sitting in class as I walk in.I'm thinking in my head..'Wtf man,there's half an hour to go before anyone even thinks about showing up.'But I approach fat man in a proper way,asking him to kindly inform the teacher that a girl was here and that in case the moron doesn't see it,I left my exam on the right hand corner of the table.He does the semi-wave,semi-i-have-no-idea-wtf-just-happened and I leave.
Its funny,I think as I walk to my car.If anyone so much as happened to see me/recognize me I wonder what they'd say.Bra-less,eye contacts-less,pjs don't match,hair disheveled.I'm limping because I have a leftover cramp in my right thigh from my wonderful sleeping position last night and my socks are too big for the half slippers I chose to wear.
And then I think,meh.I'm not your average Jill and Joe anyway so I think it doesn't matter.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

i am the key to the lock in your house.
is this what i really want?
we shall see,we shall see.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I would kiss you because I taste like peppermint,but I wouldn't want to burn your already chapped lips.
I inhale the remains of my hand-made cigarette.I'm sitting half cross-legged,so my ivory-colored silk camisole creeps up my thighs.My paintings rest all around me,the colors dancing in the lazy afternoon sunlight lingering behing the cotton curtains.I will sit here,waiting courageous and alone.For him.I know that right now,he's tangled helplessly within the clutches of her sheets.But as soon as she comes to,she will break out in angry wit.She will challenge and test and provoke him.Make him hate himself,and just as he's gasping for breath,she will throw him out.And that is when he will come back to me,he will find respite in my petiteness.To lie in the the colors my paintings reflect.I will wait for his moment of weakness,when he wakes up in pieces, I will collect them.And when the next day,week,month rolls around,when she comes back to her senses,remembers her tyranny,when she is bored of all her others,she will call on him.And his heart being chained to her feet will leave me to smoke with my paintings yet again.

But because our lives are joined by one merciless circle,he will come back to me.So I sit here,on this lazy afternoon,waiting courageous and alone.
don't you worry.
i will find respite in the most meager of places.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

sweet spring come
be gentle on my feathery heart.

queen

the lady doth protest too much,methinks.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

i always did the dates, remember?
you remembered the things and the words, and i remembered the numbers. always.your memories are far more significant.far too often, i'm lost in my own joy and disbelief to care about anything else.you remembered me complaining about a wallet. you sent me a new one.you remembered how much i loved Lindt. you sent me those.you remembered me complaining about hoodies. you sent me those.if there's anything i can remember for you, it more often than not is pointless, because you take care of yourself.all i can do is think of something above and beyond. 9/10 i fail horribly.i got you a ring, and earrings. but they're nowhere close to what you deserve.Iron and Wine discography? anyone could've gotten you that.even if i spent 3 months chasing Sam Beam to get signatures, so what? ANYONE else who knew how much you loved Iron and Wine could've thought that up.i DO have shit for brains. and this is all decisive proof of it.a fucking discography for a birthday present. how FUCKING thoughtful, naa.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

i'm done

move,its my turn.
my turn to start over.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

hamlet

"Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love."

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

my nose gets stuck.
I take big,angry steps and clutch at glass till my knuckles show.
I've been touched by the same filthy hands.
(notice the remaking of the heart.thats how pathetic it has all become)

kudos

if she doesn't haunt him,
she will most definitely haunt me.
I torture lovers and demons alike.
its hard to love.
to forgive and forget and move on to bigger,better things.
to grow up.

Monday, March 24, 2008

piano

she has moved on.
sadness.i enjoyed watching her squirm.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

x

'i need a break.i really think i could use your smile in another 14 hours.'

Thursday, March 20, 2008

its too much
too bright
too powerful

midnight


and the princess will always decide what is right for her people.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

to es.

'Hoping to alleviate the pain in her heart by pains of flesh,she jabbed needles under her fingernails'-Milan Kundera

Please stop hurting.
its getting annoying for the rest of us.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

i guess we'll just hide behind cheap wines and glaciers .The whole story can never surface unless its melting.And then it just becomes the sea.

you are my nightmare,you are my dream.


i'm a writer,leave me lone,lone,lone.

The sound of black keys scare the crap out of me.Its like the advent of something about to happen.I guess I'll just wait here till the next spring comes.Or the next rain,the next train.And again,and again,and again.
High treason for the thoughts you're thinking.
Topsy turvy town.
Now would be a good time to know how to draw.

current mood: Don't Look Away- The Helio Sequence

bold takes initiative

Everyone seems to think I'm incredibly happy.
'Your eyes are bigger,brighter'.
Is it you,or the fact that I've made an inevitable decision early on?A quiet sort of resignation to life.
I'm turning into my mother.
Round tufts of grass.
Traveling without moving an inch.

I wonder how many boxes my stuff will fit into.I will finally be leaving!Independent enough to choose whatever laundry detergent my heart desires.A Katherine Mansfield of sorts.Hmm.The wall must come down I suppose.All the precious images that have boldly watched me in the darkest hours of day and night.Not sure whether I should take the piano along.The mirror most definitely yes.Colors shall change though.Only 2,maybe 3 bedsheets.Air mattresses and sleeping bags for unexpected and sometimes unwelcome guests.A big closet is a must,otherwise I will have to fold my clothes into very tiny rectangles.The Vietnamese girls will stay,and the books, and the drawer full of sweets.*sigh*.

I think...I hope,the bigness and brightness are here to stay.Whatever the reason may be,lets not think about that right now.I love you,but this isn't over.I'm sticking to my every word,and you'd be surprised at what a magnificent liar I am.

current mood: Optimistic-Radiohead

conversations with god

Are you going to be like everyone else and scoff at me now because you think you can?'
Its not because I think I can.I know I can.Its what I do best.Unless of course,you want sympathy,which is also readily available.
Sympathy would imply that you're taking pity on me,and there is no need for that.I have given you no reason to take pity on me.
Smart girl.

he leaves her sitting there,in her hand-crafted red dress in a pretty silver building with escalators.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

last petal

I honestly feel like I'm putting on a show sometimes.And then I get pissed when people have something to say about its mechanics.People like B and C and D,E,F,J,K,L,M,N.I thought I escaped,got away,grew up and became something.I don't even write in code letters anymore,its all proper proper English.Except for the stream of letters just above,code for people who i can't/won't/shan't name.
So what do you know that I can't wrap my head around?
Please stop this godly,'i-must-make-you-the-center-of-attention-in-a-negative-way-to-make-myself-feel-better'
/'I-am/know/will-prove-that-I'm-better-than-you' behavior.
Really,its old and its getting so annoying.


He always returned the pressure when she squeezed his hand.After all this time,it had become easy to reassure her that he was there.They had come far past the morning sicknesses and the 'i-don't-feel-like-showering-today' smells and coffee stains and black and white photography.They'd accepted each others problems and silences and moved onto lighter-on-the-heart,boring things.Pottery and Scrabble,reading at night and actually feeding the animals.It was a quiet sort of compromise,and they watched as their hairs turned saltish grey and had Twinings for afternoon tea.
This was love,as they knew it.
Golden crisp,and Tuscany-flavored.


current mood: Out in the Black- Imaad Wasif

Saturday, March 15, 2008


you are Radiohead's 'Black Star'.
But I hope you never fall over or pass out when you see a face like mine.

Friday, March 14, 2008


I woke up and found you
my personal rainbow

Thursday, March 13, 2008

By locking myself within you,
I've been released.
We keep our mouths shut behind pale,stale kisses.
i wonder when the truth will turn around and say..
'enough'.

Monday, March 10, 2008

nice dream

it bothers me.
bothersbothersbothers.
but what exactly?
i need someone like bean to say that really,its nothing serious.'its all in your head child'.
but now i've been here and i know.i've seen.and it burns.
rip,tear,cut,dismantle the extra.
and burn no more.
just be.
just be your nice dream.
bean?
i misses.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

hishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishishis.
me,you,everyone,everything.
there is nothing to do here.
this city that has no name.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

well.
this should be interesting:)

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

noalkyplease.

I am like a silver slinky.
I reflect the light you throw on me and dance to hip-hop.

wouldnt it be loverly.

how will i confront thee?
with a grim
ace,
or a smirk?

or maybe a little bit of both
combined?

Monday, March 03, 2008

*sigh*
she loves you,she loves you,she loves you,she loves you,she loves you...i will never tire of saying it,as i sit here listening to tahiti rain song and glance at skater boys outside my window.
my care packages are nothing compared to the power of words.
but i mean,its ok.
i'm going to new york to get closure.and closure i shall get.
new york:the city of escape.the city of lost and found and lost again.my city.
maleeha naipul?
WHAT THE FUCK???

hahahhaha

on a brighter note,i always, always want to feel like this.
the mini-skirt in sunshine+silky blouse combination.
so much traffic-stopping,sipping on a frap and feeling like glitter inside.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

all's fair

do you love me?
do you really think you love me?
then you won't have anything to do with nothing anymore.

Friday, February 29, 2008

350

i've lost my best friend,
please,i just want my best friend back.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

appliances

my 'new music' consists of a lot of popping sounds.they're not soothing,they're not 'hmm,let me instantly put everything down and think',but they're different.the bed is close enough to the window for me to jump out and no one would know.i got yelled at today for hurting so much,and i thought,am i really still hurting?a week later?then i thought 'i have bursts of hurt'.i love and then hate,hate,hate,then love,love,love and do something spontaneous then hate,hate,hate myself for doing it,but it cant be undone.so i'm just going to sit here and mope about it.unfortunately for us,i will always love you,but in a very weird and twisted way.i will love you when i need you and then drop you when something even remotely better comes along.the cycle is playing in my mind already.everyone involved will be nicely fucked up and then we'll get together and play in a five guitar band with no audience.
the bag and the dress and the bohemian chic lifestyle are in full swing.
i promise things will get better if you just listen.



If you take me then you'll get relief
Relief, relief, relief, relief, relief
in-no-sense.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

there was something,but its gone now.
squeezed out of me this morning as the sun reflected off the pond into my eyes.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

yessss.
the stench is gone.
soon,you will be too.

videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it face to face
So I'm talking to you before it's too late

No matter what happens now
I shouldn't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen
two days have passed now.
and silence.
because of the sleep,my mind has temporarily switched itself off but I do not know how much longer it'll stay empty.Sooner or later it will open its mouth and pour forth things only I can hear but cannot handle.
And I'm sorry I called and then didn't.The pages of my journal are empty and I thought you would suffice but you have no idea whats going on and it was wrong of me to put that kind of pressure on you.
pianos and teddies and wintry mixes.I don't understand why you're so boring.and then you crack jokes and think I laugh,but I really don't.I give one of those 'oh-my-god-that-was-so-lame-but-i-have-to-smile-cuz-he'll-cry-otherwise' smiles.
but enough of that,right?
the voices are telling me to stop.to be calm in my heart.to go do freakin German homework.

current mood:alpha-firefly

Friday, February 22, 2008

dark chocolate

I listen to mother hustle and bustle and leave her scent as I wait for the pill to kick in. Ok, so the thought process behind taking the pill on an empty stomach was that alcohol has better effects when you're hungry,but now I'm guessing maybe it wasn't such a good idea.For one,I'm still wide awake and now ma tummeh hurtz.
Meeting cute boy F today.And though we have nothing in common but our laid-back personalities and fucked up fathers,he's nice to look at.I like his toothy grin and very sly eyes.
My father is upset at my mental institution behavior and I must say it feels rather weird.
'Are you depressed?'
"Well,I don't really know father.Its like asking a crazy person if they're crazy.They'll say 'of course not'"
So he lectures me about education and the life beyond and offers to pop out and get some vodka (how he knows vodka's my fav is an absolute mystery to me) and when I say no,thanks,its 11am,he gives me a little pink pill to drown my so-called miseries in.He thinks out loud and guesses I'm a light-weight (also very true,he's a fucking genius at times) and tells me I'm not ready for anti-depressants yet.I mumble a thanks and he says 'Please feel better.You're the tires of the car we're riding in.'It makes me happy and sad and sleepy all at once,so he shuts the door and leaves me be.I do feel like the woman in 'The Yellow Wallpaper' with my magnificent demonstration of 'crawling as I cry' last night.Or Nicole Kidman's portrayal of Virginia Woolf in 'The Hours'.And yet its not so bad.Sure my room hasn't been this dirty since the Apocalypse of Dinosaurs and I've never not cared about not eating this much,but lets look at it this way.How bad could it get?How long will I be content with the fact that the only sound I can hear is the ticking of my wall clock or the occasional car finding its place outside my window?How long will I collect dishes in my room and have the blinds frown at me for being drawn so long?
Mother's right.I won't forget easily.But thats why there's so much fresh meat to go around,no?I'm painfully aware of my curves and am constantly learning to accentuate them more and more.But for now,my only companion is my red and gold bed sheet.


And I will write till I'm worn,
Not stop till I'm born.