Friday, February 29, 2008

350

i've lost my best friend,
please,i just want my best friend back.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

appliances

my 'new music' consists of a lot of popping sounds.they're not soothing,they're not 'hmm,let me instantly put everything down and think',but they're different.the bed is close enough to the window for me to jump out and no one would know.i got yelled at today for hurting so much,and i thought,am i really still hurting?a week later?then i thought 'i have bursts of hurt'.i love and then hate,hate,hate,then love,love,love and do something spontaneous then hate,hate,hate myself for doing it,but it cant be undone.so i'm just going to sit here and mope about it.unfortunately for us,i will always love you,but in a very weird and twisted way.i will love you when i need you and then drop you when something even remotely better comes along.the cycle is playing in my mind already.everyone involved will be nicely fucked up and then we'll get together and play in a five guitar band with no audience.
the bag and the dress and the bohemian chic lifestyle are in full swing.
i promise things will get better if you just listen.



If you take me then you'll get relief
Relief, relief, relief, relief, relief
in-no-sense.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

there was something,but its gone now.
squeezed out of me this morning as the sun reflected off the pond into my eyes.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

yessss.
the stench is gone.
soon,you will be too.

videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it face to face
So I'm talking to you before it's too late

No matter what happens now
I shouldn't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen
two days have passed now.
and silence.
because of the sleep,my mind has temporarily switched itself off but I do not know how much longer it'll stay empty.Sooner or later it will open its mouth and pour forth things only I can hear but cannot handle.
And I'm sorry I called and then didn't.The pages of my journal are empty and I thought you would suffice but you have no idea whats going on and it was wrong of me to put that kind of pressure on you.
pianos and teddies and wintry mixes.I don't understand why you're so boring.and then you crack jokes and think I laugh,but I really don't.I give one of those 'oh-my-god-that-was-so-lame-but-i-have-to-smile-cuz-he'll-cry-otherwise' smiles.
but enough of that,right?
the voices are telling me to stop.to be calm in my heart.to go do freakin German homework.

current mood:alpha-firefly

Friday, February 22, 2008

dark chocolate

I listen to mother hustle and bustle and leave her scent as I wait for the pill to kick in. Ok, so the thought process behind taking the pill on an empty stomach was that alcohol has better effects when you're hungry,but now I'm guessing maybe it wasn't such a good idea.For one,I'm still wide awake and now ma tummeh hurtz.
Meeting cute boy F today.And though we have nothing in common but our laid-back personalities and fucked up fathers,he's nice to look at.I like his toothy grin and very sly eyes.
My father is upset at my mental institution behavior and I must say it feels rather weird.
'Are you depressed?'
"Well,I don't really know father.Its like asking a crazy person if they're crazy.They'll say 'of course not'"
So he lectures me about education and the life beyond and offers to pop out and get some vodka (how he knows vodka's my fav is an absolute mystery to me) and when I say no,thanks,its 11am,he gives me a little pink pill to drown my so-called miseries in.He thinks out loud and guesses I'm a light-weight (also very true,he's a fucking genius at times) and tells me I'm not ready for anti-depressants yet.I mumble a thanks and he says 'Please feel better.You're the tires of the car we're riding in.'It makes me happy and sad and sleepy all at once,so he shuts the door and leaves me be.I do feel like the woman in 'The Yellow Wallpaper' with my magnificent demonstration of 'crawling as I cry' last night.Or Nicole Kidman's portrayal of Virginia Woolf in 'The Hours'.And yet its not so bad.Sure my room hasn't been this dirty since the Apocalypse of Dinosaurs and I've never not cared about not eating this much,but lets look at it this way.How bad could it get?How long will I be content with the fact that the only sound I can hear is the ticking of my wall clock or the occasional car finding its place outside my window?How long will I collect dishes in my room and have the blinds frown at me for being drawn so long?
Mother's right.I won't forget easily.But thats why there's so much fresh meat to go around,no?I'm painfully aware of my curves and am constantly learning to accentuate them more and more.But for now,my only companion is my red and gold bed sheet.


And I will write till I'm worn,
Not stop till I'm born.

bullet-proof

someone unzipped my skin last night while i was in the shower.And can i just say,what a relief.It felt orgasmic to step outside myself and roam the pages of 'Where's Waldo?'.Because when you have no skin,you look like everybody yet nobody.I looked like one of those faces that you don't recognize when you first see it but then you take a closer look and you see that its you.Thats when the jigsaw falls into place.
so anyway,i turned up the heat till my skin was scorched and peeling and i surrounded myself with scents like oatmeal and shea butter,berries and cactus flower.
and when I slept,my teeth were clenched together,like a fist ready to destroy someone's anatomy.So when I woke,I hurt everywhere,made sure it felt like death or something like it.My body keeps me in bed and my mind rips us apart.I'm thinking of scrapbooks and jumping off balconies and pringles and sunsets.
best news of the week,ever?:I got my mother back.
we're back to secret kisses in the dead of the night and promises of always being there;in dreams even after she's gone.at this point in time in my life,she's the only one i believe.
and if you really want to break it down,it is about pride.
my pride.
the deadly sin that started it all,and the only thing I've got left.
you'll be needing me,but too bad.

Let down and hanging around
Crushed like a bug in the ground
Let down and hanging around

Thursday, February 21, 2008

-

and you thought you knew me.
ha.

drunk

i feel like kissing someone to pass on the flavor~

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

nude

MA
KE
UP
AL
IE

kid me not

see,this is what disappoints me.i will always be someone's fuck buddy.no guy in his right sense of mind and his penis in place will EVER come up to me and say 'hey,wanna play chess?i'll buy you a swirly thing if you win'.
does it ever occur to anyone that that could turn me on?
a lot?
sure i'd do him on the chess table later on.
but still,i can be nerdy.
its one of my biggest dreams.

(which evidently leads to current mood: Anyone Else but You- The Moldy Peaches)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

-

there aren't any secrets?
well now there are.

*tsk*

i obviously feel sorry for her.its not like she doesn't know,or she doesn't want to know or she's not capable of knowing.i think its perfectly alright to take a step into the unknown,i'm even curious.particularly curious.if things want to take a turn for the weird or even experimental,then so be it.
if anything, what she wants is indeed precious.

nice dream

I sleep with the ying-yang bed sheet.keeps me warm somehow.The techno/rock beat makes my jugular jump out with emotion.Wait,where the fuck are my pants?!


ok,much better.
there is a big,fat white elephant in the room whenever my mother an i sit together.Its sad how much we love each other,and sadder how we've learned to keep our mouths shut.

*giggles*

'he has such a depressing penis.it fit right into my hand and melted like jelly.'

current mood:wanderlusting-imaad wasif

Monday, February 18, 2008

cool story

A looks left,B looks right,C has his head down.
C wants A,B wants C,A wants nothing,so A lets in
D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O and waits for B to let in the rest to Z,who says 'shit,wtf?'

energie

he has coke-addicts arms and legs.
i bet he's living on a single brain cell,and yet creativity spews forth like its in so much abundance.
current mood:out in the black-imaad wasif

there are two colors in my head

current mood: everything in its right place-radiohead

Sunday, February 17, 2008

god,make up your mind

i've noticed something.
you repeat your dialogues to different people.
same thing,different situation.
i agree you're poetic and verbose and emotional and stuff but lacking originality is just pathetic.
sorry.

cheated by
the opposite of love
held on high
from up up up above

current mood: juicebox-the strokes

eloisa to abelard

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd


Alexander Pope
current mood:hurt like mine or girl is on my mind-the black keys

Saturday, February 16, 2008

i love you,but enough is enough.

i cant deny how hopelessly passionate and passive i am at the same time.nothing can be accomplished when those two collide.
i drowned and you chose to drown with me.no one to save us but our paddling feet growing weary of lame attempts.i do not dream big,i dream simple yet impossible.its why i surround myself with pictures and music and color.accessible things.i don't have big ideas,i'm not excessively smart.i stick close to the shore because of the sharks in the deep end.
i write 'love' on my hand again and again and again,refusing to believe something even remotely like it doesn't exist.my calm heart shivers in anger and confusion as i watch myself become emotionally paralyzed,limb to limb.
your eyes,they turn me.
why should i stay here?
why should i stay..
i'd be crazy not to follow
follow where you lead.
but who are you?i thought of you as something,and its unfair experiencing your dream in the flesh.
i always say its ok,everything is ok.its my mantra,my only saving grace.i'm sorry its the only words i use even in the toughest of conversations.and even though i make you believe that it really is ok,inside i'm immune.i've escaped to a place so non-threatening so long ago,i feel sorry for the body i've left behind.to experience how much it hurt when you touched me.you really don't know how to touch,do you?maybe thats what i'm looking for.someone who knows how to touch me.gently,firmly,hungrily.
i'm all the days you choose to ignore.
i know exactly who all reads this and all of you have stopped saying anything cuz you're either scared,or speechless or just plain stupid.i do bite,the rumors have always been true.i can be a hearty bitch and feel damn well good about it.
maybe i just need a good fuck.
a shrink and a cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows.
the need to feel.
you might as well stick pins and needles in me and my eyes would still be wide shut.
i think the pills are having their righteous effect;the world is currently sideways.
on a lighter note,i sent pictures to a boy who loves collecting them.got radiohead tickets.not going to spend a fortune in florida and am losing dangerous amounts of weight.life is good.
ha.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

<3 day

current mood: the entire in rainbows album-radiohead

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

III

A does not care for this careful behavior.She likes take after take after take and then quits just as easily.Her definitions rest in coke bottles as she waits for strangers;nose turning red.And though strangers might well indeed not acknowledge or appreciate the effort put towards them,it comes back around.we do,unfortunately live in a circle,and would do anything for that one glance,that one possibility.For what?I know not,for some people have it for a longer period of time but feel that they don't need it anymore when they're in actuality lying.Again,to whom,I'm not sure,but they believe they have fooled everyone and themselves.

current mood:out in the black-imaad wasif or perfect stranger-monsters are waiting

Friday, February 08, 2008

i have done NOTHING but miss you ever since i made the worst possible decision of my life.it is so hard being alone now and i hope you know that if i die thinking 'wow,i guess i really can't live with myself anymore' it'll all be your fault.

i have no one to talk to anymore,i forgot what its like being me,i wrapped myself into you so much.so thanks for taking away everything i held dear,my soul,my music,my mother.
thanks.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

who you followin'

can we meet again?
meet and meet and meet again.

broken hallelujah

hopefully,like burger said,three months.
the thing i like about this campus is there are so many places to hide.so many people to gawk at bare legs and pink underwears.the weather is delish and i dont fit in.my blue dress is very flowy and all the desi girls stare at my audacity.i can go and sit in practice rooms for hours and hours and no one will bother to listen to the music i'm making.everyone is slowly,slowly breaking away.like petals of a flower when its about to die.thats a pretty nasty comparison,but i'm ok with it now.
i'm aware that i'm tearing you asunder.
its really quite wonderful.
on a lighter note,saif lands tomorrow.
current mood: unsatisfied-nine black alps

Monday, February 04, 2008

and all i want to do is be sorry and feel sorry and say sorry,cuz i am.
i really am.

promise

Burnt silver brushed lavender offpsring
Sprung from me when first we kissed
You held me quietly a rush purged me of my past
Opened a desert of diamonds vast glinting and a tiny chorus
Of swallows, swung open the door freed the caged bees
And wallows, swarm geometric patterns on the sun
Eclipse new moon
Tempt my werewolf not to run
Tempt my werewolf not to run

Saturday, February 02, 2008

'I'm glad I didn't get out of my bed cuz I would've crawled into some random guy's bed and regretted it forever'


Ladies and gentleman,thats one smart girl.

almost time

Its dark behind me
and sunny below
Loud in my ears
and cold in my toes


The deer,dogs,
trees and people,
Play together
like they're on Red Bull


Big lashes
and lickety lips
Are what define you
in mere quips


Armies walk
on pale yellow sidewalks
The snow crunching
their boots in disdain

good friday

what is it with memories you want to hold on to for dear life?memories you know will define you and become you and fuse into your physicalness and make you whole.and yet,its the weirdest things one remembers.like last night,me and mom were talking about my maternal grandmother and i told her a secret that i hid for 12-14 years (wow has it really been that long?) and to this day i'm embarassed about it.

my mother laughed.and laughed.and laughed.
(i was 7 at the time)

in the time span of her laughter,my whole life flashed before me,past-present-future.i thought of itchy grass and robin hood and my pink car.i thought of terraces and spending ramzan in the warmth of winter.chocolate,friends,strawberry cheesecakes and my first cigarette.dreams that haunt me to this day,men that fucked me over.and now?what now?my cocoa butter skin and ex-lover's arms.'be calm in your heart' written next to me.my mother sees all this in my eyes,even though its dark,and she starts singing a lullaby.the oldest and only one i like;the one i cannot translate.my head is resting on her shoulder and my arm is around her.she sings to me even though her voice is raspy and she's forgotten most of the words.she's know this is my song and she tries and she tries once again,like countless of times,to make amends for what she thinks (and always will think) is her fault.she sings.i cry into her sleeve.


this is one memory i want to keep.
please God.
please.