Friday, February 22, 2008

dark chocolate

I listen to mother hustle and bustle and leave her scent as I wait for the pill to kick in. Ok, so the thought process behind taking the pill on an empty stomach was that alcohol has better effects when you're hungry,but now I'm guessing maybe it wasn't such a good idea.For one,I'm still wide awake and now ma tummeh hurtz.
Meeting cute boy F today.And though we have nothing in common but our laid-back personalities and fucked up fathers,he's nice to look at.I like his toothy grin and very sly eyes.
My father is upset at my mental institution behavior and I must say it feels rather weird.
'Are you depressed?'
"Well,I don't really know father.Its like asking a crazy person if they're crazy.They'll say 'of course not'"
So he lectures me about education and the life beyond and offers to pop out and get some vodka (how he knows vodka's my fav is an absolute mystery to me) and when I say no,thanks,its 11am,he gives me a little pink pill to drown my so-called miseries in.He thinks out loud and guesses I'm a light-weight (also very true,he's a fucking genius at times) and tells me I'm not ready for anti-depressants yet.I mumble a thanks and he says 'Please feel better.You're the tires of the car we're riding in.'It makes me happy and sad and sleepy all at once,so he shuts the door and leaves me be.I do feel like the woman in 'The Yellow Wallpaper' with my magnificent demonstration of 'crawling as I cry' last night.Or Nicole Kidman's portrayal of Virginia Woolf in 'The Hours'.And yet its not so bad.Sure my room hasn't been this dirty since the Apocalypse of Dinosaurs and I've never not cared about not eating this much,but lets look at it this way.How bad could it get?How long will I be content with the fact that the only sound I can hear is the ticking of my wall clock or the occasional car finding its place outside my window?How long will I collect dishes in my room and have the blinds frown at me for being drawn so long?
Mother's right.I won't forget easily.But thats why there's so much fresh meat to go around,no?I'm painfully aware of my curves and am constantly learning to accentuate them more and more.But for now,my only companion is my red and gold bed sheet.

And I will write till I'm worn,
Not stop till I'm born.

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