Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I've found my way out of this mess.

Acrylics.
now the time has come for us.



'start a scrapbook.start a scrapbook for me'

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

the day i went walking in the rain,my neighbor thought it was cuz of my father.
i came home and mother thought it was cuz of my brother.
father thought it was cuz of my lover.
brother thought its was friend.

Gunther's right.There's always a 'he' involved.
"A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together."

-James H. Boren
run,little boy.
run as fast as your fat little legs allow you to.

Monday, April 28, 2008

godDAMN that movie put me in a good mood.
castration should be made officially legal,so men know to not to be such fucking assholes all the time.
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding.
Zh* says:
yes
Zh* says:
i dont care about you
Zh* says:
i dont love you
Zh* says:
you're right
Zh* says:
i'm crazy
Zh* says:
you were right about everything
Zh* says:
i
Zh* says:
i'm indecisive
Zh* says:
and i dont know what i want
Zh* says:
i'm tired of growing up
Zh* says:
and facing problems about love
Zh* says:
and injustice
Zh* says:
and Freud's theories
Zh* says:
its shocking the nuts out of my skull
Zh* says:
i told mom if she had warned me about this world i never would've come
Zh* says:
i hate it
Zh* says:
and everyone in it
Zh* says:
i just want to watch trains go by
Zh* says:
and hear the rain fall into ponds

Sunday, April 27, 2008

no
NO
.......no
One night of magic rush
The start, a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief

give me your dagger.i am ready to stab.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

9 crimes

cheating
lying
stealing
hypocrisy
unfaithfulness
---
---
---
murder.
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
my lip bleeds in memories of you.
+
leona lewis
=
hmm.

Friday, April 25, 2008

lets not get ahead of ourselves here.
:)

Thursday, April 24, 2008

i cleaned the mold and grime,mother.
just for you.
you told me my life was a crime,mother.
so i cleaned away.all for you.



i hope you're happy now.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

i am stuck-up because i've been given leverage and priority above all.
racist feminist says:

impudence= all men.
7:31 am.
foggy.
i want you here,now,forever.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

the suicide had its impact.
so after countless months of fighting with myself and everyone around me,I prayed.
It could've,would've,should've been me.

Monday, April 21, 2008

That girl thinks she's the queen of the neighborhood
I got news for you --
she is !


:)

do/need

german,run,sociology,run,money,money,money.
baby girl
turn me on with your electric feel

the beach party

Don't want all this cold cold shit
throw off your shirt and let's get
hot hot hot
we've never been, we've never been to the bridge,
throw off your skirt and let's begin the rock
i've been to all the places on the block(you can believe it, believe it or not)
i like to rock, rock!
i like to rock, rock!
jump right in and in too deep
throw off your towel and let's get wet wet wet
bermuda shorts are comin back to town
throw off your pants and let's begin the dance
i've been to i've been to all the beaches on the strip and you better believe this shit
i like to dip, dip
i like to dip, dip
don't want all this cold cold cold shit
throw off your shit and let's get hot hot hot,
we've never been, we've never to the bridge
throw off your skirt and let's begin the rock
oh yeh i'm over here, oh yeh you're over there
we could get over here
then we begin to share
hot love on a platter,
let me be your dancer,
hot love on a platter,
let me be your dancer
He is amazing.
Only I can say that.
Your English may be perfect,and your paintings ghastly,but thats about it.


(a rainbow gone wrong dancing barefoot in the rain)

Saturday, April 19, 2008

taco bell confessions.

she has never ceased to amaze me.
:)

Friday, April 18, 2008

ha

You are no where close to what I've been to him.
and continue to be.

why don't you go ask?
be sure to take your knife with you again.
i'm happy without your intrusion,thankyouverymuch.as if you haven't done enough already.
everything will be ok once you don't exist.
so if i were you,i'd worry about myself.
because holes will start opening on the ground you walk on very,very soon.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

(i 'promise' to never talk about it ever again)

olafur arnalds reminded me of you and her.
holding hands.
so i threw the cd away.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

werewolf

I don't mean to close the door
But for the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes
Left stains on my sheets and stains on my soul
You left me broke down begging for change
Had to catch a ride with a man who's deranged

Monday, April 14, 2008

wisdom.

'you're never
old
enough
to
FORGIVE things
and FORGET.
nobody
slights your honor
and gets away with it.
NOBODY.'

Zahra is happy he's found his wings.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

When I told Abdul that my dreams were funny enough to keep me distracted from real life,I meant it.I followed him in Macy's with his wife and two kids, who turns out to be his sister and two kids.He spots me, but I look around for Lucky Brand stuff.As he's leaving,he hesitates and comes to me.
'You should call me'.I say the same thing.
'Oh right,you're here,right?'.I nod.
'Does Mani have your number?'
'A lot of people have my number'
'But I'll get it from Mani', he says with a slick smile.
'Fine'
He writes M120 on a piece of paper and gives it to me.
Fooki and Talat aunty arrive and she wants to go look at white and yellow Coach sofas for their new house in Arlington.Been Baj says she convinced Imaad to switch his furniture with her which is why she got an amazing deal on them.I suppose I'm happy.But I'm thinking Cold Stone ice cream.
He comes back and the setting changes to a room with a dark wooden door,a dingy mirror and lots and lots of clothes.His face changes from his to Ali's to a big bald black man's with a pimply penis.I'm glad he doesn't succeed in plugging me and I realize its Dija Baji's room cuz I see children clothes.She comes in to give me my IAD pass and I fly away to Niagra Falls.

fuckin hilarious if you were in my shoes.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

i know who i will love most infinitely.
my children.
i will become my mother,marry a man who doesn't love me and build my life around the little ones and then let my soul die when they grow up and aren't there anymore.
i will become my mother.

Friday, April 11, 2008

don't act like you know what this is all about.
don't you dare.

Monday, April 07, 2008

man if i didn't become the racist that circumstances have made me,i'd adopt an asian kid

sigur ros,you are beautiful.


and just like that,
history repeats itself.
i'm not telling anyone what goes in my mind,anymore.

no,not even you.
and especially not you.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

What I am to you
Is not real
What I am to you
You do not need
And what I am to you
Is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea
so easy for you to say:

'ab buss bhi kar do.forget it.'

no.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Ambition is waking up at 6:30am on a misty,41 F Friday,saying 'fuck school' and taking all necessary steps to immortalize said statement for the next 4 hours and 10 minutes.The problem that intervened was that an exam had to be dropped off either before or after.I decided before,so I wrote a plain note explaining how my uterus couldn't care less for the 18th century Industrial Revolution thus I could not attend class today.Are you fucking kidding me?Thats not what I wrote.I said my dad was in the hospital,in actuality meaning he was sleeping peacefully under his pristine yellow sheet in his 'hospital-like' bed.
I'll be honest with you, I thought about changing,I really did.But then it occurred to me that I might actually become awake and lose my present state of half-asleep,half-not,so I decided against it.I grabbed my coat and that was that.It was only when I was halfway there that I noticed how intolerably pathetic this all was,and just for a few extra hours of bed rest?No matter,my uterus says,I shall reward you by staying calm today.That promise is enough to keep me going for another good hour if I have to,so I carry on.I park in the 15 minute parking and slam my car door.The parking lot seems to be empty,but there are always those early bird ass-kissers wandering around.And sure enough,there's someone sitting in class as I walk in.I'm thinking in my head..'Wtf man,there's half an hour to go before anyone even thinks about showing up.'But I approach fat man in a proper way,asking him to kindly inform the teacher that a girl was here and that in case the moron doesn't see it,I left my exam on the right hand corner of the table.He does the semi-wave,semi-i-have-no-idea-wtf-just-happened and I leave.
Its funny,I think as I walk to my car.If anyone so much as happened to see me/recognize me I wonder what they'd say.Bra-less,eye contacts-less,pjs don't match,hair disheveled.I'm limping because I have a leftover cramp in my right thigh from my wonderful sleeping position last night and my socks are too big for the half slippers I chose to wear.
And then I think,meh.I'm not your average Jill and Joe anyway so I think it doesn't matter.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

i am the key to the lock in your house.
is this what i really want?
we shall see,we shall see.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I would kiss you because I taste like peppermint,but I wouldn't want to burn your already chapped lips.
I inhale the remains of my hand-made cigarette.I'm sitting half cross-legged,so my ivory-colored silk camisole creeps up my thighs.My paintings rest all around me,the colors dancing in the lazy afternoon sunlight lingering behing the cotton curtains.I will sit here,waiting courageous and alone.For him.I know that right now,he's tangled helplessly within the clutches of her sheets.But as soon as she comes to,she will break out in angry wit.She will challenge and test and provoke him.Make him hate himself,and just as he's gasping for breath,she will throw him out.And that is when he will come back to me,he will find respite in my petiteness.To lie in the the colors my paintings reflect.I will wait for his moment of weakness,when he wakes up in pieces, I will collect them.And when the next day,week,month rolls around,when she comes back to her senses,remembers her tyranny,when she is bored of all her others,she will call on him.And his heart being chained to her feet will leave me to smoke with my paintings yet again.

But because our lives are joined by one merciless circle,he will come back to me.So I sit here,on this lazy afternoon,waiting courageous and alone.
don't you worry.
i will find respite in the most meager of places.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

sweet spring come
be gentle on my feathery heart.

queen

the lady doth protest too much,methinks.