Saturday, May 31, 2008

x

but i secretly wish no one else knows what it is like to love you. it is the most absolute wonderful feeling.
cinnamon in hot chocolate. with whipped cream on top.

Zahra had a diagonal time

I am.....bemused..at the monster I've become.I did not mean for it to end like this, I have never been mean to anyone. Not to this extent. Oh well, I suppose? Not that I knew any of these people particularly well, nor will I get a chance to know them and not that it matters anymore. I do not feel responsible for anyone but you.

I am sorry it had to come to this.
For your sake, I am sorry.

Friday, May 30, 2008

alterego

www.viktoryroze.blogspot.com

summer juicy

Almost lunch time.Good. I like lunch. I also like sleep but given the size of my current accomodation,it doesn't seem too much of an option. Looked through pictures,deleting unnecessary one. There weren't many of those, probably pertaining to the fact that unnecessary ones become necessary. Abdul being the absolute sweetheart he is let me use his camera for band rehearsal.Their chemistry is amusing to watch. A compact room doesn't help photography much, but it was altogether a delightful evening. Dave is super sleek and super cute. Andy,focused and driven. Mark is calculable and Mani? Attentive brooder. 'Did they find the treasure?'=)

I'll sort of refrain from talking about what I really kind of want to talk about till I at least get my ass off the English Peninsula. I know baby won't be too pleased about it. And anyway we're getting married and raising 4 children all over the world and none of this will ever need to happen again. It never would have existed.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

sex is good.
sex is fucking great.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

hahahaha
fucking cunt.
can't even defend yourself.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Zahra will laugh till her head comes off.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

he doesn't look a thing like Jesus
but more than you'll ever know

Friday, May 23, 2008

should I?
should I not?
so fucking confused.
gunther help?

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Oh in a dream
My love came to me
And made me swear
That I'd keep what's sacred to me
And if I get the choice
To fill in his name
I'll pray my way through the rain
Singing, Oh happy day
After I deepen the gashes, its gonna be a glorious death.
M- Haha, are you stalking me?
F- God I was kind of hoping you were. I'm sure as hell not going to make the first move.
M- If we weren't in uniforms under the ever-watchful eye of the American Government, I'd kiss you.
F- Haha. Now you're talking.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

get yourself together, let the light pour in.

I don't know why I've resorted to being like her.
Its not like I can't do better.
Better than you, better than her, better than him. Its probably my upbringing. I was taught I could never be the best, but I could keep on trying like the flawless ones around me. And so I did. Continue to. I started painting, singing, cutting, smoking, drinking, masturbating, anything that would make me remotely cool. Anything to keep myself from being me. And I know everyone out there who knows me is like 'but you don't have to try!you're so amazing!'. Yeah.Right.
If I was, why this? why try and be something I'm not? Why must I always seek approval? Such emo thoughts, I know. I know. I don't know what I want from anyone anymore. He's hurt me, gashed my insides, left me for the vultures.
Lacey told me not to blog about him. To not think at all,period. Maha says to love myself, chinky's not worth it. Compy says ' never forgive anyone who toys with your honor'. And him? All he says it that he loves me. His empty spineless love. His love that has kept me cooped up for days, his love that has made me into a Monday night drinker, a sinner, a saint. If you love me, then don't lie to me man. I think I deserve at least some respect. What have I not done for you? Have I not been good in bed? Have I not screamed at all the appropriate places? Did I not suck you off properly? Did I not lavish you with gifts? Cut my hair? Involve my family? What more do you want from me? You've taken all my friends. They absolutely adore you. Sexually even. You can have it all. My family, friends, hobbies, all. But leave my dignity alone. Leave my freedom alone. I understand this has got to stop. Self-destruction is a sweet, sweet thought. Anything to stop the crying. But I understand it will have consequences on the people who care about me.Except you.

You don't care.
I only want the truth
so tonight we drink to youth.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

you have to see it to believe it



I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
I just can't look, it's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'cause I'm Mr. Brightside
silent heartache July to June~

Monday, May 19, 2008

lies.all lies.

This is how words come into play.And they're supposed to make me feel special.

-I hate the chink.And it's you I love.There are no two ways about it.
-She does not love me. And I don't care about her.You are the only person I care about.I will not accept nor settle for anything less.You are paramount.You.
-I took no leap of faith.I took a dive.I love only you.And not a soul otherwise.I can only love you and sincere.I don't care.I love you.
-I love you.What does that say?I love you.You,you,you,you,you,you,you,you,you,you,you,you.You're the only one,zahra. You're the only one for me. I love you.
-Heartbreaking.But it's not going to stop me loving you.Nothing is going to stop me loving you. I love you,no one else.No matter how grand or pathetic I am.
-What she does is out of my control. She went with ben,louisa and neera. I certainly didn't fucking want her there.But you will believe what you want...

And there you have it.
I will now proceed to free myself of me.

try changing my mind.i dare you.

even in my dreams you hurt me.
you said it was 'alright' that it was a 'mutual consent'.
there was nothing mutual about it.and in the end you let the dogs chase me away.
why won't you stop hurting me?

Sunday, May 18, 2008

depression hurts.
cymbalta can help.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

The lure of your lips is making me stoop to new lows.
Bravo for lack of good judgment.


lacey + lynnie= remarkably good day.
bbq tomm.
throat still hurts,and now I'm breaking out because of the pollution. I need a teaspoon of honey and a red bull. My body has very much not recovered from the horror of working back to back doubles.And wow,do I need to do something about my face.



I've let him go, literally kicked him out.I let him go the second he told me about her.
But he keeps coming back like a sick puppy.
And I hate animals.Hate.
Whenever I hear Leona Lewis all I think about is how she nearly bled to death for him. I understand it was a very stupid and emo way of getting attention but she got what she wanted. She wanted to 'haunt' us forever, and she's there. Maybe she doesn't 'mean' anything to him that he 'hates' her, but not a second goes by without me thinking 'hmm.wonder what she's up to now'.And I just don't buy the fact that he doesn't talk to her anymore. They have all the same friends, they like the same kinds of music, they're both so very artistic.

But enough about that I suppose.
Really.
Everyone's so sick of this little triangle.
Time to suck on a dick.
Let the seasons begin,
I wish I was someone else.

too much ranting.

I told Mom what a womanizer I think you are.Did it once,likely to do it again.And of course, the same applies to me, I've made sure she's very well aware of that. She's started telling me how she's on my side. Regardless of what happens,what I do,who I chose (if anyone at all) she will support me.
I wish that was true.I wish she meant it with all her heart. But I know better. 21 years of Hitler upbringing does magical things to your reflexes.Its not about my respect,it never was.I don't care about 'izzatt' or 'log kya kahein ge'. But I do care about Mom.And Dad.She might as well pull the smile off her face,we both know how much she loves you.Despite the fact that she knows I'm not happy,that I don't love you like I used to.And she still swoons over the thought that you just may be the best possible catch I may ever get.
A womanizer. 'Better than nothing,beta'.My knight in shining armor.Who,in attempts to please me,ends up making me want to kill myself.Some love we've got goin on,honey.If anyone asks me whether or not I'm dating, I tell them on-again,off-again. Not the truth,never the whole truth.I'm a mystery in disguise and I'll make you love every minute of it. Plus, its an ego boost when men have that 'dayyyuum girl' look in their eyes around me. Apparently,with my new short hair,I can attract older men.Bahahhaha.I can have a sugar daddy,a nerd or a wannabe band member. And all the walking is doing my legs good. Longer,leaner. Better than even chinky's probably.
Everyone who knows about the whole 'situation' asks whether or not you slept with her. I say 'Hell as if I know'. Cuz we never tell each other the truth right? Never the whole truth.What if she sucked and you thought, well I'm not going to tap that again anyway,so whatever. Or what if she blew your fucking brains out..screamed louder and better than I did, drew blood from your back with all the clawing..?Well,then I guess I'm fucked,right?As much as I am right now.Who know what you're doing to her as we speak.' She might be at the concert, I don't know for sure'. Translation : She's inside sitting with me and Abdul which is why I had to come outside to talk to you.
Fuck you. Your law degree specializing in manipulation does absolute wonders. Congratulations,your parents must be so proud. And no,it does not matter to me at all how much you 'love' me. If yo loved me,you would never have let it gotten this far. You would have treated me, like a therapist to a child,not ignore whatever I have to say by going 'Well what can I say, I am an asshole'.I repeat: You would never have let it gotten this far.I don't love you,I don't want to love you,the flowers and prose part is over and done with. You can hang on to whatever promise,whatever memory,whatever anything of us.

I'm going to hang on to myself.

Friday, May 16, 2008

i hate this.
i hate you i hate her and i hate that she's going to be there for you.for the band.
whatever.
its not like i can do this anymore anyway.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

heavily paraphrased one-way convo

'No,what really kind of pissed me off was that...well what Dan said about you got me thinking.You really are changing,and if thats not enough,you're changing so fast.Its like every time I see you, you're a different person,and I'm not sure I'm ok with that. So I suggest you designate at least one day out of the week for me. I mean, at least someone has to keep a track of whats going on in your head'-
Lace
Blogging from work, haw.
Airport internet is sooooo slowwww.
plus I think it knows about facebook,and what the hell my boss is probably watching me in his office but whatevssssssss.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Going to Radiohead has changed my perspective about the human race.Endurance,survival and more endurance is what we are all made of.


Note to self: Try being nice.Try forgiving him for who he is, better yet, try forgiving yourself for what you are. Try not to take advantage of the fact that he lets you control him completely.
so me and fooki had a talk today.after so long even.
after coming to the conclusion that i was the one who fucked up this relationship more than you,we figured we were running around in circles.this is why-

3rd February 2008.10:1 pm:
We were in bed.
He turned and said to me "I doubt you'll find someone who is as concerned about you as I am right now."
I paused, looked at the ceiling and took one deep breath


"Don't ever say that..

Concerned? You, you have someone you love to return to as soon as this sweet holiday is over. I, I have only my own feet to fall back on. If there is no one else but you who loves me not, then I be damned and forever lonely. Don't ever ever say that again. I fight tooth and nail to leave my emotions outside your door.

Don't tease.

Invite me only when you have room in your heart."



You had room in your heart. You have room in your heart, for all of them.
You have treated them all like you have treated me.
The same words,the same positions,probably the same kiss even.
You can keep it,all of it,all of them. I want none of it.


And you, who are pretending to be strong and pretending to not have anything to do with this anymore, beware that you are glass. And that you reflect your light to make the world shine.The beautiful reflection comes with a dangerous price.

Monday, May 12, 2008

yummmmmmmmmm tequila.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

sometimes
you sulk
sometimes
you burn
god rest
your soul
when the
loving comes
and we've
already gone
just like
your dad
you'll never
change

Friday, May 09, 2008

she's won,he's won,she's won.
now they can finally get together and make asian babies.

(cheesy,i know)

She’s got the kind of look that defies gravity
She’s the greatest cook
And she’s fat free

She’s been to private school
And she speaks perfect French
She’s got the perfect friends
Oh isn’t she cool?

She practices Tai Chi
She'd never lose her nerve
She's more than you deserve
She's just far better than me

Hey, hey


So don’t bother
I won’t die of deception
I promise you won’t ever see me cry
Don’t feel sorry

And don't bother
I’ll be fine
But she’s waiting
The ring you gave to her will lose its shine
So don’t bother, be unkind


I’m sure she doesn’t know
How to touch you like I would
I beat her at that one good
Don’t you think so?

She's almost six feet tall(ha)
She must think I'm a flea
I’m really a cat, you see
And it's not my last life at all

Hey, hey


[Whispering]
For you, I'd give up all I own
And move to a communist country
If you came with me, of course
And I'd file my nails so they don't hurt you
And lose those pounds, and learn about football
If it made you stay, but you won't, but you won't



And after all I'm glad that I'm not your type, not your type, not your type, not your type
I promise you won't ever see me cry.
Oh in a dream
My love came to me
And made me swear
That I'd keep what's sacred to me
And if I get the choice
To fill in his name
I'll pray my way through the rain
Singing, Oh happy day
my love has ended in destruction
and the red bleeds out of the bullet holes
left on the right side

my self is stuck with compassion
and the carcass comes back to life
again and again
I'ma shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse

Thursday, May 08, 2008

its never one thing.
its an accumulation of fucks.
so apparently my name is zoe.
and i'm married.
without a ring
.....?
i love rumors.
:)

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

jet air blows away
covers of graves

vestiture buttons
all different colors

its a no brainer
leave it be
send him off
and come to me

deise Geld
wraps up the chocolate

some day far
the hair was held.

(leave it be and come to me)
wait,
they don't love you like i love you.

this suits me fine

lynn and andrew inspire me.they value simplicity in a degree I've never seen in 'normal' people.They are sincere,and content and quiet about existence.
I would like to be content.
In fact,I'd love to be just content.

In a dream I was a werewolf
My soul was filled with crystal light
Lavender ribbons of rain sang
Ridding my heart of mortal fright



I figure everything falls into place once you let it go. Just leave it be, go wallow in your misery and it comes back around. Like toads and caterpillars, groping at your legs for attention.
He is a predator and I,the pray.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

If all goes well, summer will make up for the horrible winter I've had.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

don't talk politics and don't throw stuff.

make room for all new friends.

Friday, May 02, 2008

postcards from italy is definitely a favorite now.

as far as painting goes,working on quite a few things.need more paints and more paper though.experimentation ftw=)

Thursday, May 01, 2008