Wednesday, May 21, 2008

get yourself together, let the light pour in.

I don't know why I've resorted to being like her.
Its not like I can't do better.
Better than you, better than her, better than him. Its probably my upbringing. I was taught I could never be the best, but I could keep on trying like the flawless ones around me. And so I did. Continue to. I started painting, singing, cutting, smoking, drinking, masturbating, anything that would make me remotely cool. Anything to keep myself from being me. And I know everyone out there who knows me is like 'but you don't have to try!you're so amazing!'. Yeah.Right.
If I was, why this? why try and be something I'm not? Why must I always seek approval? Such emo thoughts, I know. I know. I don't know what I want from anyone anymore. He's hurt me, gashed my insides, left me for the vultures.
Lacey told me not to blog about him. To not think at all,period. Maha says to love myself, chinky's not worth it. Compy says ' never forgive anyone who toys with your honor'. And him? All he says it that he loves me. His empty spineless love. His love that has kept me cooped up for days, his love that has made me into a Monday night drinker, a sinner, a saint. If you love me, then don't lie to me man. I think I deserve at least some respect. What have I not done for you? Have I not been good in bed? Have I not screamed at all the appropriate places? Did I not suck you off properly? Did I not lavish you with gifts? Cut my hair? Involve my family? What more do you want from me? You've taken all my friends. They absolutely adore you. Sexually even. You can have it all. My family, friends, hobbies, all. But leave my dignity alone. Leave my freedom alone. I understand this has got to stop. Self-destruction is a sweet, sweet thought. Anything to stop the crying. But I understand it will have consequences on the people who care about me.Except you.

You don't care.

3 comments:

Call me Gunther said...

"Its probably my upbringing. I was taught I could never be the best, but I could keep on trying like the flawless ones around me."
Seriously, did all desi parents huddle and decide to raise their kids the same spirit crushing way?

Opinionated Jaahil said...

Parents.
Pakistani.

Sigh.

Does hanging in there work for you anymore?=)

Anonymous said...

oiii TOYS WITH YOUR HONOR?

TOYS?

never have i ever used that phrase.
something to the effect maybe.
but..toys? yaar
challo koi nahin