Saturday, May 17, 2008

too much ranting.

I told Mom what a womanizer I think you are.Did it once,likely to do it again.And of course, the same applies to me, I've made sure she's very well aware of that. She's started telling me how she's on my side. Regardless of what happens,what I do,who I chose (if anyone at all) she will support me.
I wish that was true.I wish she meant it with all her heart. But I know better. 21 years of Hitler upbringing does magical things to your reflexes.Its not about my respect,it never was.I don't care about 'izzatt' or 'log kya kahein ge'. But I do care about Mom.And Dad.She might as well pull the smile off her face,we both know how much she loves you.Despite the fact that she knows I'm not happy,that I don't love you like I used to.And she still swoons over the thought that you just may be the best possible catch I may ever get.
A womanizer. 'Better than nothing,beta'.My knight in shining armor.Who,in attempts to please me,ends up making me want to kill myself.Some love we've got goin on,honey.If anyone asks me whether or not I'm dating, I tell them on-again,off-again. Not the truth,never the whole truth.I'm a mystery in disguise and I'll make you love every minute of it. Plus, its an ego boost when men have that 'dayyyuum girl' look in their eyes around me. Apparently,with my new short hair,I can attract older men.Bahahhaha.I can have a sugar daddy,a nerd or a wannabe band member. And all the walking is doing my legs good. Longer,leaner. Better than even chinky's probably.
Everyone who knows about the whole 'situation' asks whether or not you slept with her. I say 'Hell as if I know'. Cuz we never tell each other the truth right? Never the whole truth.What if she sucked and you thought, well I'm not going to tap that again anyway,so whatever. Or what if she blew your fucking brains out..screamed louder and better than I did, drew blood from your back with all the clawing..?Well,then I guess I'm fucked,right?As much as I am right now.Who know what you're doing to her as we speak.' She might be at the concert, I don't know for sure'. Translation : She's inside sitting with me and Abdul which is why I had to come outside to talk to you.
Fuck you. Your law degree specializing in manipulation does absolute wonders. Congratulations,your parents must be so proud. And no,it does not matter to me at all how much you 'love' me. If yo loved me,you would never have let it gotten this far. You would have treated me, like a therapist to a child,not ignore whatever I have to say by going 'Well what can I say, I am an asshole'.I repeat: You would never have let it gotten this far.I don't love you,I don't want to love you,the flowers and prose part is over and done with. You can hang on to whatever promise,whatever memory,whatever anything of us.

I'm going to hang on to myself.

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