Thursday, July 31, 2008

uh-oh

Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:

  • Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
  • Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
  • Fatigue or loss of energy
  • Physical and mental sluggishness
  • Appetite or weight changes
  • Sleeping too much or too little
  • Concentration and memory problems
  • Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
  • Thoughts of death or suicide

don't bother,i'll be fine.

Mani- $100
Saph- $500
Lace- $130
Mom- $1500
The Goverment- $$$

I just want to be happy.
Right now its kind of the opposite. I'm infuriated.
I feel like I've done nothing right. Every day I put on a brave face.But for what? For who?
I..

Monday, July 28, 2008

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

my,my.
anonymous people always seem to have the strongest sense of opinion.too bad they're anonymous, otherwise who knows? maybe their opinions would count in the real world.

(refer to comments on recent posts)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

getting back to myself

http://flickr.com/photos/chocomallow/
My mother is coming into her own.
New friends are creeping out of dark corners and they talk about people like them with weirder stories.I can hear her 'oooh' and 'hawww' and 'waqai?' downstairs like there's no tomorrow.Uh-oh, heard her put the phone down. Time for 'ZAHRA! Idhar aao tumhe barri mazay ki baat sunaoon!', which in actuality is not at all 'mazay' ki, its just me witnessing what I'm going to be like at 59.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

$1

I hate thinking about it. But its very hard to not think about when I'm pmsing and my uterus will take any excuse to get angry. I'm sorry, but I guess a tiny portion of me will never forgive, never forget.

I think about you even when I'm with you. I wonder what you're thinking about when you're shaving and not looking at me? Are you thinking of me too? I'm standing right behind you in the mirror, you know. Wondering what you're thinking. Fact is, when we're together, there's nobody else, and when we're not, its like nothings even there.

I cried less during the movie this time, but I'd... I don't know. Sometimes I'm so angry I could kill someone. One person in particular.

Also, I've realized I'm not that good of a writer. I don't have motive or thought. The drive to move people has fizzled and faded. I pretty much suck at everything now.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

all mine

observe sex face, popped collar, general gora-ness.
hahahahaha
oh yeah.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Hello London

Eating a cream cheese bagel 3 days before I have to fit into a lovely size 4 dress?
Not such a good idea.
My stylist (i.e, me) will not be pleased.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

lay around



He said "do you write for you or other people?"
I said "other people"
I said "I want them to see the beauty
that I can but just can not seem to touch,
which is only a metaphor for all of us."
I said "I think I'm trying to capture a moment
I think my whole life I've been trying
to capture that moment"
He said "one thing you can be sure of,
is that you never will"

chink

I went to her page tonight after so long.
You know, just for shits and giggles.
Last entry : 24th May, 2008. I arrived on the 25th, stir up things a bit. Girls love drama, you know.
Sort of makes me wonder why she really kept the pills.
Maybe she'll use them after all.
hum dee dum.

Monday, July 07, 2008

necessary and right

happy + sugary with chocolate on top
one lump or two with yer blues?

saph


'tumhey dekhta kaisey hai yeh larka. it's touching.'

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Atoms for Peace

I want you to get out
And make it work

I can't stop listening to this song,amazing amazing amazing.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

A true Hippie

I understand drugs now.Not fully,nor do I intend to go that way,but my god,what an amazing first experience.The first 10 minutes felt like I was dying, or being killed. Poor Lynn and Peech, kept giving me water and I kept throwing it back at them,the trash can was my best friend.After the roller coaster ended though (literally I say myself enjoying death)it was the best feeling in the world.

Lynn took me upstairs after all of Fooki's friends had a really good laugh (I laughed with them,a bit too much) and lay me down on the couch. Brandon sweetheart knew how much I love 'In Rainbows' so he put his Mac next to me so I could hear it despite so many people being there.
oh.
my.
god.
Every single song brought around a different imagery. I was literally In Rainbows, falling feet first downside up into a Technicolor sky.In one song, everyone was kissing each other.In another, my body became a wave of water, and so on and so forth.Another one was so powerful, so physically moving that I actually felt M's penis inside me.I mean,what the fuck man,thats what I want to feel like all the time.

At one point I tried to touch the music and it felt liquid glittery.Explain that to me?That kind of feeling isn't remotely possible in real life.Then Bran put on MGMT (how does he know these things) and I started dancing mad crazy to 'Electric Feel'. God,I did feel electric.

When I got the 'munchies' (high school terminology for being really hungry.refer to www.urbandictionary.com) it was so hard but so fun to eat!I got 'cotton mouth' (again, www.urbandictionary.com) and chewed on one chip for about 10 minutes. And then started laughing about it. Lynn said I got slightly creepy in between and would yell stuff like 'dragons!' and 'hot bitch!' and laugh like a maniac. Fooki's friends would come up to say hi to me and I would cover my face before shaking their hand cuz I mean, it was fucking embarrassing but hilarious at the same time.

What else?Alligators,pink elephants,lots and lots and lots of color. I wish I'd drawn whatever I was seeing,or write whatever I was thinking, I'd have come up with something awesome like music or kryptonite.Fuck.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

bloc party

'she's got sucha dirty mind
and it never ever stops
and you don't taste like her
and you never ever will'

awesomest gift



'A word picture of your blog, with most frequent words most bold.'
gg xD

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

A5

I came early to people-watch.My uniform is hideously huge, but I decided to wear it anyway. Today, I feel like looking ugly.I feel like going to Spain. Or Germany. Before this blessing is over at least.

Mom and Dad are going to Toronto in the morning. Hopefully they don't throw each other off the plane.No,I'm kidding,they've been behaving extra ordinarily nice to each other. Maybe they're growing up? With their first kid off to college and being in the process of buying a better house,I suppose you have to.

I keep telling everyone I know,they're wonderful people, just not when they're together.They both realize and acknowledge their faults and miraculously do nothing about them.I don't understand why its like that,not just with them but my whole family. 'Ooh, look, a problem. Lets play 'pretend its not there'. Its like that ad 'Ignoring global warming won't make it go away'.
Like why is everyone still mad at S phupho? So what if her daughter married a Hindu, big fucking whoop. Maybe he'll keep her happier than a Muslim man ever would have. And I mean, sure, S phupho needs to stop complaining that no one really 'participated'. 'Meri beti ke liye dholki nahin rakhi aur Aliyah ke betay ke liye rakhi thi, tou that means no one loves me,tou marr jao saray'. Bhai.Yaar. And K uncle blaming Mom for something that is entirely his fault, something he should've taken care of 10-20 years ago.But no. We all need someone to blame. Like how its always N chachi's fault just because she really doesn't have balls to stand up to anyone, let alone her own children. Or how B uncle's kids are the stupidest human beings alive just because he's the worst parent ever.Like anyone's ever a good parent. Like a good,good parent. If your child turns out decent, you're lucky. If not, oh well. Its not like anyone knows how to raise a child. Its not something you go to school for, pay thousands of dollars to get better at. And if you have your own parent as a 'teacher',well good luck then too. No offence, I bet yours are amazing.I don't even know what I'm trying to get at. Buss yahan ye faida hai ke you can stay away from the drama if you choose to. Sure,they'll bother you about it,but what more can they do?

I suppose its slightly better than snipping and tearing the problem apart, like Mom's family does back home. 'Baby khala ne ye kaha,tou Maham kitni batameez hai, tou haw hai, khandaan ka naam barbaad ho gaya'. Honestly its what I ran away from. From the whole 'Iss ki shadi karwa do;why does she go out so much? khandaan mein aur koi larki tou itni social nahin hai. Kya beta, Literature parhna hai? Woh tou beta aap waisay bhi kitabein parh ke dil khush kar lo apna, ye koi profession thori hua. Aur waisay bhi tum jawan ho gayi ho,tumhari shadi ho jani chahiye. Don't you feel left out, baki sari friends ki shaadiyan ho rahi hai? No, it means more dancing and eventually more meat for me.Aur haan, shadi ke faurann baad bacha paida kar lena, you don't understand, aurat bohot nazuk hoti hai, and past 25 years tou waisay bhi bachay nahin paida karne chahiyein.Chalo jee,meri tou sari life set ho gayi hai.Thank you so much.Array meri jaan, no problem,what else is family for?
Sigh.

What gunther said:
Blah blah blah x 30.

current mood: Lay Around by The Jealous Girlfriends

float

'God,how many times do I have to say it?I don't feel like it tonight.If you want it so bad,go find yourself another pussy to lick.I don't care'.

He almost slept in the corner that night.