Thursday, October 30, 2008

I've seen it all, I have seen the trees,
I've seen the willow leaves dancing in the breeze,
I've seen a friend killed by a friend,
And lives that were over before they were spent.
I've seen what I was - I know what I'll be
I've seen it all - there is no more to see

suck in your lower lip child,and stop being lonely.
'The cold is sleeping in our bed tonight. Where's your warmth?'
'It felt like fire inside me, so I spit on it'

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


'You look like a scared little child'
'I am one'

Sunday, October 26, 2008

i can make you sway

Mani: then you don't love me.
love is a web you get tangled in wherever you go.
love is wherever you are. not where here is.
if love only exists when it is here, then you don't love me.
you just don't.
you just don't.
me: ....

Saturday, October 25, 2008

16th floor confessions

I sang at the rooftop, wind blowing mercilessly in my hair. It felt very much like a Damien Rice music video. No body was watching when I left a cookie for the birds and took my empty glass of milk back down.
My best friend is coming, I'm so happy, my heart is singing.

Friday, October 24, 2008

i guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower

I haven't been home much lately. With the concept of home being so perplexed, its hard not being nomadic. When you have no one to be nomadic with, it sucks. Then you have to come home. And then sit and do nothing, like I'm doing right now. Blogging to me is so fucking important, but because I have SO much to say all the time and not enough time to write it down, I'm not doing justice to it. Did any of that make sense? No, right? Thats what I mean. Even when I do say stuff its like.. a stoner talking. When your mouth tastes like mercury and when you like need for everyone to know. What exactly, that will always remain a mystery. It all makes sense in your head and thats all that matters really. Like now. Everything I'm doing, the person I've become, it all makes sense in my head, and if no one gets it, S, M, N, doesn't.fucking.matter. Ok, no, I take that back, it does matter. They're my friends but if they are, they'd understand right? They shouldn't/ wouldn't judge me, right? Right? But what I'm trying to say is I really desperately need to be this person, whoever that is, I need to want to be someone so far removed from myself. Like when you eat even though you're not hungry cuz your body needs something to keep on keeping on. Umm..what was I saying? Yeah.

Uzzie asked me today 'So what gets you going?'
'You know, I went into this whole gaming/3d animation bullshit, and you listened so patiently, so now its my turn to listen to you'
'umm..nothing I guess..just hanging out I suppose'
'What're you, a pho-hippie?'
'I take that as a yes'

But do you see what I'm trying to get at? I blanked out. I didn't know what to say. Such a simple question and I couldn't string a sentence together. This is ridiculous really. A's right I'm soooo passionless now. I just do what I want to cuz..well..thats what everyone does, right? Kaiyfi: Arabic for 'I do what I want, when I want'.
So I have all this negative energy and these dreams and states of beings and alter egos and thats that. I'm not doing anything about it. I'm listening to Tiesto's 'Just Be' and thinking...easier said than done, honey. Nice voice though.
I love M, I really do, but its really not doing anything for me right now. I know you're reading M and you've always pushed me to be honest, and now I'm being honest so you can't be mad at me.Ok? Please.Please. You said you'd love me no matter what happened and what you did or what I did or who'd I'd become or what I'd say. Well this is me just being honest. I'm sitting here in my room with my shoes still on like I'm just waiting for a signal to just up and leave. And this is the honest to goodness truth. I fucking love you like you wouldn't believe, but there's a but. And thats not always good, and before it gets any worse, I just..I want you to know. I'm here, I always will be and I love you so please don't go into the whole 'I know its me and not you and fuck my life' phase, just..hear me out. Even though I'm making no sense whatsoever. Ok, I just read over that whole thing again and it didn't make any sense, but I have a feeling you know what I'm saying.
My nose is cold.
A said ' This is going to sound weird and you're probably not going to believe me, but I get it. You've always wanted what every other person in this whole world wants, and that is to be happy. I never understood it before and I realize it now, that you were so ahead of all of us, and we misjudged you'
I'm on a veggie diet. Can you believe it? I thought I'd never be able to do it, but honestly if you don't think about it, its not that hard. Cucumbers and hummus is the official shit. I'm gonna try and keep it up for as long as I can, a nice challenge to keep myself from being bored too much. Like I am right now.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008



Friday, October 17, 2008

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

even angels cry

Sigur Ros is for cold nights.When the violin is shrieking the crescendo in your ears as you force long and hasty steps into the oblivion. You count the blocks leading to home, or well..the concept of home at least. 4,3,2,1, now what?

The pictures have been torn off, the bed has too many pillows, the lovers who are having a hard time communicating. I want to be with the one I love. I'm trying to remember what you are. The illusion that became real. I know, you know? I know what you feel like, honest. Its like frost biting down on your alveoli.

Walking fast, God beating against her chest, she thinks about this. She thinks about the branches that have extended from her tree-like self, bearing good fruit, bad fruit, useless fruit, memorable fruit.

Your skin sends shivers down my spine. Your fingerprints leave marks on my face and when you kiss my back, I die inside. I turn the volume up to feel close to the rhythm, to let it move me, to let it surround me in its cloud of pixie dust and silk ribbons. Sometimes I get so tired I hallucinate. Things and people come to me in weird shapes and sizes. And stare me down. I feel their presence when I block everyone and everything out. Your way of life, I fear my dear, is eons different than mine. Still we hang around. You pull me out of the water only after I've drowned.

The leaves shiver in fear of the wind. He watches and dreams for the princess crying in the window.