I haven't been home much lately. With the concept of home being so perplexed, its hard not being nomadic. When you have no one to be nomadic with, it sucks. Then you have to come home. And then sit and do nothing, like I'm doing right now. Blogging to me is so fucking important, but because I have SO much to say all the time and not enough time to write it down, I'm not doing justice to it. Did any of that make sense? No, right? Thats what I mean. Even when I do say stuff its like.. a stoner talking. When your mouth tastes like mercury and when you like need for everyone to know. What exactly, that will always remain a mystery. It all makes sense in your head and thats all that matters really. Like now. Everything I'm doing, the person I've become, it all makes sense in my head, and if no one gets it, S, M, N, A...it doesn't.fucking.matter. Ok, no, I take that back, it does matter. They're my friends but if they are, they'd understand right? They shouldn't/ wouldn't judge me, right? Right? But what I'm trying to say is I really desperately need to be this person, whoever that is, I need to want to be someone so far removed from myself. Like when you eat even though you're not hungry cuz your body needs something to keep on keeping on. Umm..what was I saying? Yeah.
Uzzie asked me today 'So what gets you going?'
'You know, I went into this whole gaming/3d animation bullshit, and you listened so patiently, so now its my turn to listen to you'
'umm..nothing I guess..just hanging out I suppose'
'What're you, a pho-hippie?'
'I take that as a yes'
But do you see what I'm trying to get at? I blanked out. I didn't know what to say. Such a simple question and I couldn't string a sentence together. This is ridiculous really. A's right I'm soooo passionless now. I just do what I want to cuz..well..thats what everyone does, right? Kaiyfi: Arabic for 'I do what I want, when I want'.
So I have all this negative energy and these dreams and states of beings and alter egos and thats that. I'm not doing anything about it. I'm listening to Tiesto's 'Just Be' and thinking...easier said than done, honey. Nice voice though.
I love M, I really do, but its really not doing anything for me right now. I know you're reading M and you've always pushed me to be honest, and now I'm being honest so you can't be mad at me.Ok? Please.Please. You said you'd love me no matter what happened and what you did or what I did or who'd I'd become or what I'd say. Well this is me just being honest. I'm sitting here in my room with my shoes still on like I'm just waiting for a signal to just up and leave. And this is the honest to goodness truth. I fucking love you like you wouldn't believe, but there's a but. And thats not always good, and before it gets any worse, I just..I want you to know. I'm here, I always will be and I love you so please don't go into the whole 'I know its me and not you and fuck my life' phase, just..hear me out. Even though I'm making no sense whatsoever. Ok, I just read over that whole thing again and it didn't make any sense, but I have a feeling you know what I'm saying.
My nose is cold.
A said ' This is going to sound weird and you're probably not going to believe me, but I get it. You've always wanted what every other person in this whole world wants, and that is to be happy. I never understood it before and I realize it now, that you were so ahead of all of us, and we misjudged you'
I'm on a veggie diet. Can you believe it? I thought I'd never be able to do it, but honestly if you don't think about it, its not that hard. Cucumbers and hummus is the official shit. I'm gonna try and keep it up for as long as I can, a nice challenge to keep myself from being bored too much. Like I am right now.