Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Monday, November 09, 2009
Sunday, November 08, 2009
'And so shines a good deed in a weary world.'
'Where is fancy bred? In the heart or in the head.'
'We are the music makers...and we are the dreamers of dreams.'
She stomps acorns as she smokes, a child and an adult at the same time.
Friday, November 06, 2009
Monday, November 02, 2009
I'm afraid to forget you.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Monday, October 05, 2009
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Sunday, September 06, 2009
How do you explain to someone you think you love that they're just not enough?
Yeah, you don't. You say you’re sorry, instead. You hope that makes up for something, and you hope you two are strong enough to survive. But deep down, you know better. You know that once something’s broken, it doesn’t matter how much you try to fix it, how much you want to fix it, you can’t. Nothing is forever, and nothing changes. Either you live with what you’ve got, or you chase shadows.
Between white cherry blossom trees and dead ones, we're careful acquaintances. Knee-deep emotionally attached. ( Your tiny hands, your crazy kitten smile).
We open up buttons that contain and restrict our passions. They make our blood-shot eyes explode. (Artists high on color. No fumar en esta area). We do not make eye contact with the lonely even though we're all afflicted with the same disease. (He has the answer. What was the question?). Blood bleeds out of cracks in sidewalks. She runs through the fields, her dress as green as June grass.
Friday, September 04, 2009
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
'You make me happy from a distance'
He looked over to glance at her.
' We can be each others' temporary distractions till we find permanent ones'
' I know what you're thinking, and who about. And I'm ok with that'
He went back to staring at the ceiling, and she to sleep.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
'I assume he gave this interview while in the fetal position, twitching gently back and forth on the floor in the middle of his darkened bedroom.'
What, turn out the lights? They find you in the dark.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Don't be too surprised
'Cause I get tired of
and phone bills
And I don't think we're meant to stay here very long
I don't dream of bringing heaven down not like this
I'd rather move on
One day I may go for the longest walk
Don't be too shocked
'Cause I get tired of
and combat boots
And I don't think we're meant to stay here very long
I don't dream of bringing heaven down not like this
I'd rather move on
Monday, August 10, 2009
Friday, August 07, 2009
Monday, August 03, 2009
Even so, there is a pause.
Find me that.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Many years later, too many years later, the same sky returned. The girl, with even bigger holes in her soul than before, didn't care to glance back even once.
Monday, July 27, 2009
He came home when the wind stopped howling. The tea had long been cold by then, particles settled at the bottom. He looked around at the unwavering, empty house and slowly made his way up the stairs. She slept there, in his bed, at the far end of one corner. 'I hate you', he said, but she was already fast asleep.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Someone told me you had oceans in your eyes.
I take my shell cup and drink till my lips bleed.
Monday, July 20, 2009
But then I forgot who the message was from, so back to square one I guess.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
I found a bottle of Casorzo. That's in italics because people know how long I've been looking for it. Cost me $13 but its going to be goodgoodgood. refer here .
What else? Peech is back from the beach thank GOD. He is currently air-drumming to Mashuga right on my head. He is shirtless, very very dark and explaining the connection between math rock and metal.
This weekend will be good for unwinding and thinking.
Current mood : Orange was the color of her dress, then silk blues- Charles Mingus
Friday, July 17, 2009
I walk really close to walls in hallways, and I smile inside at childhood memories.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
She dreams she has become very little, and walks around wearing a white tent, housing people who don't have one.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
2:46 minutes into 'All I Need' makes my blood run faster in my body, and my hands clasp firmly together in prayer.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I swear this is so weird.
Could this be a divine revelation from god? Cuz I swear there's an angel standing watching me roll. I gulp my red bull nervously. Yum. Caffeine, cocaine. I took the recycling out though, good girl.
Ponder ponder ponder, I just want to write one-liners, put them in a top hat and pick them out at random to form stories. Or rows of houses that bear down on me. I opened the window and it closed on me. It always does that.
The burnt plastic made a string out of itself and its whisking away in the wind.
Unfortunately; interaction in necessary.
I'm pretty sure I'm not going through a massive heartbreak or any mental diseases, I'm just unbelievably jittery and I'm not sure I want to be here right now. I actually miss home a whole fucking lot. And I just realized, father's day is Sunday AND I'M SO EXCITED TO GO HOME. Even though my father's a pretty big...ok I'm going to refrain from going into personal life because...thats nobody's business but mine. Next question.
Omg right now I'm just thinking the train I took from London to Lincoln and how magniificent magnificent magnificent this tiny world is. I'm so so thirsty, what the hell.
I picked a magnolia flower (I've decided on a magnolia tree in my future abode) and I've been meaning to take pictures with it, but I just haven't gotten around to taking pictures period. So it wilted, for obvious reasons, and died.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Then she hears the rumble of the worn red truck, and her brain pops itself. The sparkle is gone, the twirling stops. She quickly looks back, no summer clouds, no windmills, no nothing. Just the average summer evening on a farm. Her father is home, and before he discovers her standing carelessly, she runs as fast as she can through the (first non-existent) corn field. She hears him yelling for her in the broken windowed house, and she keeps on running. She runs where the field connects to the forest and climbs the nearest tree. Then she quickly jumps out and hides into a bush. She recalls him having found her in a tree once, and how he had tied her to his bed with his belt and held her down with one arm while he did what he always did. Her eyes were blindfolded that time, but it didn't matter. Its not like she wanted to see what was happening anyway. Its times like these when she thought of her mother. How she would much rather prefer that yelling than this yelling.
'Come home', she whispers into the bush leaves. 'Or take me with you'.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Monday, June 08, 2009
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
There are things meant to be said like streaks of black smeared across one's cheek. I swim like a fish who's forgotten everything. My dreams take me to waterfalls and jungles where all the snakes are dead. Maybe it is time to be that different light that people can't deny seeing, to lurk in cracks of wooden floorboards, to twist my body in angular positions to let the flowers inside grow.
I am late on everything. To realize the importance of people and feelings, I'm just going with the flow. There's no concrete decision that I plan on planning on.
High on a fever.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
I stood on my porch watching summer fall down in beautiful white cotton puffs. I was awake in my mind while you watched me sleep. I feel you watching me you know. I'm good at pretending a lot of things, but I feel you even when you are so far away. I woke up really sad today actually. I didn't expect to be this weary, this hollow, cuz its not that big of a deal, right? I mean whatever, its life, people grow up, move on, start over. I don't even know what I'm writing about anymore, I started out with a semi-sentimental thought.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
i am looking for someone, and i am at the beach, along with almost everyone i know. scene change and we're walking on a bridge, me tenchee and divine. its one of those bridges that you can walk on and drive on at the same time, quite awesome, but its very very big and very long, and all of a sudden..it collapses. right where we're walking. there is a very big mess of concrete on concrete, cars spewed out of control, the sea below us roaring in delight, waiting to feast on yet another human. we are the only 3 pedestrians that are wounded, we are taken care of and then we move down to the beach. the sand is gray instead of...sand-colored, and the weather is smoggy. but for some reason its still nice. i am walking aimlessly and all of a sudden i see tenchee running towards me. 'AMMI JAAN RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, THEY'RE COMING', and i start running. i look ahead at our destination,and its the dark gray/blue ocean.i look behind us and very burly- looking men are at it, full speed. i don't know how or why i've gotten caught up in this mess, but it looks serios so i keep on running. 'TENCHEE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM'
' JUST FOLLOW ME I KNOW WHAT TO DO'. we run into the murky waves and start swimming towards a buoy which is also a lifeguard's hut. we get there before the really tall and brutally ugly man, and the lifeguard sees our panic and calls for a helicopter. the copter comes, throws down anchors to us, but by then the man is there and he grabs on to one of the anchors. meanwhile the raucous of the broken bridge can still be seen from here. The man grabs onto tenchee's hair and she screams out loud, i try to kick him but he grabs my leg. we somehow manage to escape, with him falling into the ocean. i'm still not sure why i was being chased, and even though we'd gotten away, the chase didn't seem to be off.
second and third dream : the year is god knows what, but the city is a mess, just like our lives. i am back from somewhere years later, and much has changed. i go around and meet some people, and i know that my brother lives in this city, but he has not returned any of my phone calls. i realize it has been very long, and he must have forgotten me. i instead go to some aunty's place, where she is going on and on about this magnificent adaptation of 'Chicago' that some young people have been doing and that i should really go watch it. even moreso because the lead actress- Summer, was/would be perfect for my brother, that they had a history and hopefully she lives long enough to see it through. my eyes well up for no apparent reason, and that very second, my brother calls and tells me to come over whenever i am free. i am now standing outside his....house..if you want to call it that. he lives more or less in the slums, a broken column is his staircase. his apartment complex is dark, with orange walls and bulb lights hanging by a single wire. he is smoking as usual, but he is taller now. His collared shirt have been folded up around his forearms and his hair is longer than i remember. we don't embrace or anything, it seems like a very formal, must-do meeting. i enter his place and the walls are orange here too, with high ceilings and more bulbs. there is a red carpet and a bunch of pillows lying on it (for furniture purposes i suppose). a woman sits, she has fiery orange hair and a round face. she is on the plumpish side and she is reading an art magazine. her big green eyes survey me and i look back at her with dullness. my brother sits on the other end of the carpet and smokes some more, and i start talking to him and talking and talking, i don't remember what about, but i know its all in Urdu so this lovely lady doesn't understand a word. she interrupts briefly by saying 'what a nice picture, no?' i glance over at her, and she seizes the moment to introduce herself ' hi, i'm summer. what's your name?'. 'i'm zahra, farooq's sister'. 'oh goodness! i didn't know he had any family left, so nice to meet you!' i look back at my brother in utter disgust and all i want to do is beat the shit out of him, i feel so hurt and betrayed by this orange-haired bimbo. but we are at the age in life and at that point where we just helplessly curve inwards. 'i came to tell you mom's dead'. he stays quiet for a minute, puffing away. ............'oh'.thats when i leave his place forever.
fourth: i am yet again being chased, this time by an old man, i feel like i knew him once. He is small and thin, he wears a traditional hat. But he has a glass eye and he runs very fast, and he tells me it doesn't matter what he wants me for, just the chase is enough.
I had a dream that I was surrounded by pins and needles, and I could not save my mother or myself.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
this constant want for something, someone to be present, so I can rest my head on their chest,
making plans to change the world, while the world is changing us. The heart sinks at the anticipation of nothing. Of finding you nowhere. These clouds we're seeing, they're explosions in the sky. Turn up the volume, turn it, turn it, turn it up, drown, drown, drown out excess noise. I'm tangled up in happy sounds with sad meanings.
I've decided, I don't really deserve to be happy. Good people deserve to be happy. GOOD people. And I don't fulfill those standards by any means. Who set those standards is not in question right now. I may keep you entertained, amused, excited. But that's it. Before you decide to refute this argument, just stop to think for a second. Everyone has demons in their closets, stuff they've done that they can never ever forgive themselves for. It might be one's triviality, but its another person's nightmare. I've stopped thinking, stopped wanting to achieve a happy medium. They don't exist. I can only hope to stay suspended in this carbon monoxide air, face upwards, waiting for years and people to pass by without a second glance. I am here for a purpose, so to speak.
I really do miss playing the piano.
I can hear stuff in my head and being able to hear it out loud was something very powerful to experience.
Monday, April 27, 2009
We don't know what will happen, when and why, if at all, but know that around you, I have completely immersed my soul in love.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the colliding thoughts in my head that I can do nothing but cry. And sometimes it makes me glad to know that crying is associated with sadness. There is nothing I can do, to change anything.
So I just sway to my music.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The answer is obvious.
Of course then my mind starts thinking in tangents and it makes me sad how much our lives depend on plasticity and perfectly shaped food products in neat packages with pretty handwriting. The most basic of necessities has been taking over by patriarchal corporate organizations. At the same time I'm thinking 'well if I just let my foot casually slip, I'll fall onto the ground, land on my head, maybe my skull will crack open, and no one will notice cuz my cell phone's upstairs and my roommates aren't home'
Instead I angrily load the dishwasher, stare at the orange going bad and look around to see why I never get flowers sent to me anymore.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Today was a bright gray day. I don't understand how I feel about this fluctuating weather and how its affecting my perception of things and situations around me. All I know is that its mid-April and the sun is not shining in its normal consistency. Also, I think if I tried really hard, I still could not be too monotone all the time. I would have to throw on a splash of red from time to time, I love too much, what exactly, I know not.But I never go around looking for comforts of home. What is home, but a building where certain people live who you are obligated to love.
I have this recurring dream where I have a dress made out of the sea. It is blue and cold and silky, with big holes for arms. It helps me fold you into an embrace and I thank invisible gods for sending you to me. It is poignant and terrible all at once, but at least you're with me.
My final destination.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Like she is being rewarded for being her beautiful, sleeping self. Rewarded for dreaming, for stealing the blanket, for ...
And so goes this game. night after night after night after night after night.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
There was room for no more. He couldn't get in.
'I'm sorry' she said to the silent night that was her only witness.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
oh my god so many of my friends think you're gorgeous
i mean, i know i think so, didn't know sooo many people shared my opinion
mr bum fun. says:
awesomeeee when can i hook up with them?
whenever you come down, jaan meri
mr bum fun. says:
and i showed one your photography and she was like 'man, if only i wasn't dating jesse...'
mr bum fun. says:
wait do you even have any hot friends?
i have friends with personalities acha
you can stop being shallow now, you're still the class 8 ka nerd.
mr bum fun. says:
yeah but i cant put my wee wee in their personalities now can i
omg i love you so much
mr bum fun. says:
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
My greatest fear my love, is losing you. A man of complacent virtue, a truer man I have not see. But since when has a woman ever loved a man for his virtue? We coexist in parallel universes, my love. I fear I have walked too far ahead of anything that maybe was. I feel your outstretched hand through my leathered glove, and it all seems perfect. Is it? Am I enough? Is this really all you want? When I cry, my dear, it is not for the mistakes we've made, or that the movie hit too close to home, or that you really might not love me as much as I think you do. I cry because I feel you love me far too much, and that in the end I won't be able to stand upright the day they're burying you in the ground.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Forget those distances
Those helpless nights
For I am here now.
current mood: Venn Diagram- Lisa Hannigan
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
'Gnarly Barley', she says out loud and giggles.
The music changes, the mood shifts, she's running out of dull colors to describe misery with.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
its so weird. whenever things get better, they simultaneously get worse.
i know a bunch of this isn't my fault, and here i will directly paraphrase a quote from a movie:
'Its just..when you're with someone so...good......*pause*...it..it makes you feel..'
'It makes you feel like shit. I understand'.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
one constant : the mother, and thank GOD for that.
so i'm stressing out too much and because of that, breaking out too much, and not really getting much done, it may SEEM like i'm smart? but i'm not really. most of the times i know what i'm on about, but most of the times its a lot of made-up, eavesdropped stuff.
this whole double major thing seemed like an amazing idea, but now the confidence and the ambition is waning so now i'm kinda like...eh..BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH. its unbelieveable!
i love being swamped and being poor and not having time to eat and carrying 17.5 lbs on my back and having so much to do and still finding the time in between to hang out with people i find mildly interesting/influencing or people who just smell nice and then going out and buying princess-shaped spaghetti o's.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
no matter how many people you know (according to Sam, I know more than I need to), or how many things you have lined up to do for the day, you will always be alone at times when you'd rather not be.
I've decided I love puddle-reflection picture-taking.
And I have also decided that it does not matter to me how badly you have failed as a human being. As a mother, as a brother and as a father. I sit here right now knowing full well that I am loved, and cared for. The reason I am so blunt, and confident (sometimes) and evasive and colorful, is you. At this moment in time, I would not trade any part of my life (except maybe my thunder thighs) with anything more or less better. I'm obnoxiously proud of having a fucked up family, and loving every little bit of them. I'm now used to making up for people's mistakes, shortcomings, wrong decisions, and down right stubbornness. I will quietly work towards gluing us back together, (if we ever were apart at all), and making the best out of what God has given us. Who knows where our next bread and bed is written? This may be the last time I see you, the last time I eat at this table, the last time I sleep in this house.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I am a person with mad feelings. I pour my heart and soul into thoughts and dreams and friendships and intimacy. Like honey into milk. This concept of finality has never been alien to me, yet the closer I get to it, the harder it becomes to accept. I have difficulty relaxing in a room full of bubbles that stare back at me in all their rainbow-colored gloryness. I have unappetizingly clean hands with legible writing. My religion stops at my neck and seafood makes me sick. My only saving grace is that I have something to believe in. But like the moon, this too wanes. My dependency on people is slowly fading and its going to take me a while to actually come to terms with it. Maybe I love you, but I'm not in love with you? Maybe this is all I can say to keep myself from facing the truth: We can't always get what we want. How far can one go for love? When I talked about swimming across oceans and catching stars to sew onto your satchel, how much of that was true? Maybe I don't know it yet (or maybe I do) that it is very difficult to be in a relationship. To truly know the other person and accept them with all their flaws and baggage. To know that this is it, that there is no going back or going forward, this. Is it.
But it all boils down to this. Every time I feel my nose preparing itself for a sneeze, you are my first and last thought. Every time I see another pimple sprout, I think 'well, he will love me anyway'. Every time I am alone (which is a lot of the time, surprisingly), my callous hands take solace in your invisible touch. Winter brings out the cruelty of some, and the hope of many. I have wronged so much, so many times that I don't even think about it anymore. I pretend it never happened, I pretend it wasn't even me who did those things. Because I know deep down inside, whoever you are, wherever you are, you have been mine. Even though we've fucked up, even though we will continue to do so. Even though, this all may very well not happen, the whole...being together forever into infinity and beyond bit..there is nothing I'd rather love to do then swim across oceans and catch stars to sew onto your satchel.
Friday, January 09, 2009
the time between now and then is forever...and forever was ours ages ago.
she will slip into something sublime, as he slips away into misery, and they'll eventually live happily ever after. like stepped-on rose petals.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
' Although she will always deny being the center of his every living breath..she cannot deny that he is the center of hers'.