Thursday, January 22, 2009

final scene

I am not your Coke-shaped whore.
I am a person with mad feelings. I pour my heart and soul into thoughts and dreams and friendships and intimacy. Like honey into milk. This concept of finality has never been alien to me, yet the closer I get to it, the harder it becomes to accept. I have difficulty relaxing in a room full of bubbles that stare back at me in all their rainbow-colored gloryness. I have unappetizingly clean hands with legible writing. My religion stops at my neck and seafood makes me sick. My only saving grace is that I have something to believe in. But like the moon, this too wanes. My dependency on people is slowly fading and its going to take me a while to actually come to terms with it. Maybe I love you, but I'm not in love with you? Maybe this is all I can say to keep myself from facing the truth: We can't always get what we want. How far can one go for love? When I talked about swimming across oceans and catching stars to sew onto your satchel, how much of that was true? Maybe I don't know it yet (or maybe I do) that it is very difficult to be in a relationship. To truly know the other person and accept them with all their flaws and baggage. To know that this is it, that there is no going back or going forward, this. Is it.

But it all boils down to this. Every time I feel my nose preparing itself for a sneeze, you are my first and last thought. Every time I see another pimple sprout, I think 'well, he will love me anyway'. Every time I am alone (which is a lot of the time, surprisingly), my callous hands take solace in your invisible touch. Winter brings out the cruelty of some, and the hope of many. I have wronged so much, so many times that I don't even think about it anymore. I pretend it never happened, I pretend it wasn't even me who did those things. Because I know deep down inside, whoever you are, wherever you are, you have been mine. Even though we've fucked up, even though we will continue to do so. Even though, this all may very well not happen, the whole...being together forever into infinity and beyond bit..there is nothing I'd rather love to do then swim across oceans and catch stars to sew onto your satchel.

8 comments:

Eeda said...

i can relate...
this was beautiful..esp the stars onto satchel thing..
emo, but oh-so-awesome!
*gets misty eyed*

Ali said...

disillusionment never lasts. Give it time. And very well written. :-)

Zh. said...

this one is for marina, who missed me :)

Marina said...

*huggie*
Yay =)
Beautiful writing.
In the current state of mind that I am in, this hit home: "To truly know the other person and accept them with all their flaws and baggage."

Mera naam chun chun said...

"Winter brings out the cruelty of some, and the hope of many. I have wronged so much, so many times that I don't even think about it anymore. I pretend it never happened, I pretend it wasn't even me who did those things. Because I know deep down inside, whoever you are, wherever you are, you have been mine"

WAAAH WAAAAAH. Bravo!
Sad, though. hurting much?

neeli said...

<3

Anonymous said...

eeda.
neeli.

when can we finally sneak in your lives? i am so alone:(

S.H said...

It's beautiful and painful, more beautiful and more painful. Loves it.