Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I'm reading over and over and over and over again so I become immune to any feeling that thinks it can make its way into my heavy heart.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

your sex is on fire

I have a friend who has a friend who is deeply in love with his friend. Complications arise just because they are merely human and I'm not sure how to react when I sit and listen to him pour his liquid heart out.
There are things meant to be said like streaks of black smeared across one's cheek. I swim like a fish who's forgotten everything. My dreams take me to waterfalls and jungles where all the snakes are dead. Maybe it is time to be that different light that people can't deny seeing, to lurk in cracks of wooden floorboards, to twist my body in angular positions to let the flowers inside grow.
I am late on everything. To realize the importance of people and feelings, I'm just going with the flow. There's no concrete decision that I plan on planning on.
High on a fever.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

day and night

the sky bursts into hues of rusty orange and I cling to my lonely shawl for support.

Friday, May 15, 2009

for better or for worse

another goodbye.
I stood on my porch watching summer fall down in beautiful white cotton puffs. I was awake in my mind while you watched me sleep. I feel you watching me you know. I'm good at pretending a lot of things, but I feel you even when you are so far away. I woke up really sad today actually. I didn't expect to be this weary, this hollow, cuz its not that big of a deal, right? I mean whatever, its life, people grow up, move on, start over. I don't even know what I'm writing about anymore, I started out with a semi-sentimental thought.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

silent dementia.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

i need to stop.

horrific, horrific, horrific images i've been seeing lately. in the span of 3 hours, i had 4 interconnected dreams. number one. the year is 2012.
i am looking for someone, and i am at the beach, along with almost everyone i know. scene change and we're walking on a bridge, me tenchee and divine. its one of those bridges that you can walk on and drive on at the same time, quite awesome, but its very very big and very long, and all of a collapses. right where we're walking. there is a very big mess of concrete on concrete, cars spewed out of control, the sea below us roaring in delight, waiting to feast on yet another human. we are the only 3 pedestrians that are wounded, we are taken care of and then we move down to the beach. the sand is gray instead of...sand-colored, and the weather is smoggy. but for some reason its still nice. i am walking aimlessly and all of a sudden i see tenchee running towards me. 'AMMI JAAN RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, THEY'RE COMING', and i start running. i look ahead at our destination,and its the dark gray/blue ocean.i look behind us and very burly- looking men are at it, full speed. i don't know how or why i've gotten caught up in this mess, but it looks serios so i keep on running. 'TENCHEE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM'
' JUST FOLLOW ME I KNOW WHAT TO DO'. we run into the murky waves and start swimming towards a buoy which is also a lifeguard's hut. we get there before the really tall and brutally ugly man, and the lifeguard sees our panic and calls for a helicopter. the copter comes, throws down anchors to us, but by then the man is there and he grabs on to one of the anchors. meanwhile the raucous of the broken bridge can still be seen from here. The man grabs onto tenchee's hair and she screams out loud, i try to kick him but he grabs my leg. we somehow manage to escape, with him falling into the ocean. i'm still not sure why i was being chased, and even though we'd gotten away, the chase didn't seem to be off.
second and third dream : the year is god knows what, but the city is a mess, just like our lives. i am back from somewhere years later, and much has changed. i go around and meet some people, and i know that my brother lives in this city, but he has not returned any of my phone calls. i realize it has been very long, and he must have forgotten me. i instead go to some aunty's place, where she is going on and on about this magnificent adaptation of 'Chicago' that some young people have been doing and that i should really go watch it. even moreso because the lead actress- Summer, was/would be perfect for my brother, that they had a history and hopefully she lives long enough to see it through. my eyes well up for no apparent reason, and that very second, my brother calls and tells me to come over whenever i am free. i am now standing outside you want to call it that. he lives more or less in the slums, a broken column is his staircase. his apartment complex is dark, with orange walls and bulb lights hanging by a single wire. he is smoking as usual, but he is taller now. His collared shirt have been folded up around his forearms and his hair is longer than i remember. we don't embrace or anything, it seems like a very formal, must-do meeting. i enter his place and the walls are orange here too, with high ceilings and more bulbs. there is a red carpet and a bunch of pillows lying on it (for furniture purposes i suppose). a woman sits, she has fiery orange hair and a round face. she is on the plumpish side and she is reading an art magazine. her big green eyes survey me and i look back at her with dullness. my brother sits on the other end of the carpet and smokes some more, and i start talking to him and talking and talking, i don't remember what about, but i know its all in Urdu so this lovely lady doesn't understand a word. she interrupts briefly by saying 'what a nice picture, no?' i glance over at her, and she seizes the moment to introduce herself ' hi, i'm summer. what's your name?'. 'i'm zahra, farooq's sister'. 'oh goodness! i didn't know he had any family left, so nice to meet you!' i look back at my brother in utter disgust and all i want to do is beat the shit out of him, i feel so hurt and betrayed by this orange-haired bimbo. but we are at the age in life and at that point where we just helplessly curve inwards. 'i came to tell you mom's dead'. he stays quiet for a minute, puffing away. ............'oh'.thats when i leave his place forever.
fourth: i am yet again being chased, this time by an old man, i feel like i knew him once. He is small and thin, he wears a traditional hat. But he has a glass eye and he runs very fast, and he tells me it doesn't matter what he wants me for, just the chase is enough.


Definitely in a weird mood right now. Staring at the black ink eyes on my desktop, and playing spinning plates (live please) in my head round and around and around. My insides are turned inside out at the thought of staring at the writhing tree with Thom's voice saying 'crumble' in the background. In limbo is such a great song and I liked the stillness of the station wagon and the chill of the night. I can smell Old Spice everywhere, and I'm not trying to be this...vulnerable. I don't know what I'm thinking, I don't know what I've thought, but its all coming down upon like a devilworshipper's dream come true and I don't know how to stop it.

I had a dream that I was surrounded by pins and needles, and I could not save my mother or myself.