Sunday, October 18, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
i feel the shape of his very full lips kiss me on the forehead goodnight. I am asleep and alone, but my mind thinks about forgotten tree graffiti and empty bottles thrown in the ocean for other lovers to find and keep.
i have to put a lock on my brain sometimes because the Thought of you gets pretty wild.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
you know how you lie in your room with your feet crossed on the bed and your body lying on the floor staring at the ceiling? that's how i spent the daylight part of my saturday, listening to this song on repeat. my heart was beating fast, partly because of spontaneous running in the drizzle and partly because i was thinking about you. and how this song was just an awakening in my mind, like a tiny light that grows and grows till it blinds you. it was telling me to be excited. to smile.
because there are many adventures waiting quietly for our arrival.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
nothing....just.....i've been thinking about you...a lot...
and my tragic flaw?haha
i've been thinking about your skin, and your flesh...and your hair and its smell...
and your lips, and your breath....and your hips, and your legs...
even though i almost never want to kiss you?
it might upset me, but that doesn't mean I don't love you or desire you...
why do you never want to kiss me?
i said almost never =)
I'd be crazy not to follow where you lead...
so now we're all here, standing in the quicksand staring at each other, while the seasons and the leaves change, but our hearts remain the same.
so he likes you, huh?
i...i think so..
i think so too, by the way he talks.
where have you seen him talking to me?
i don't know whether to love technology or hate it.
pick one, and make that a start. and you'll eventually find where you belong on the spectrum
*shrug*. somewhere in the middle, then. oscillating according to circumstances.
....so how much do you like him again
why the shrug.
I..don't really want to talk about it...
because it's you? duh.
I have to face the prospect of you leaving me for him.I think I have a right to know how you feel about him.
I don't...it's complicated, i suppose.obviously.
yeah, it obviously is.
long distance has fucked both of us up so we don't talk about it. but yes, i like him. i liked him even before i knew anything.
heh. i'm expendable then.
what do you mean?
if you CAN get him, you WILL leave me.
you asked me a question, and i answered you.
do you remember what was on my list of 5?
open discussion was last.
open communication, yes.
do you understand what I meant by open communication?
not really. you never explained it to me.
it means not hiding yourself away from the people who matter to you.that everything is there, laid out in the open. That there is no chance for deception, misunderstanding, betrayal, hurt. it helps avoid a lot of negativities.
well then.there you have it.now you know every.single.thing about me.
do you love me or not?
but i like him.
i really. really. like him.
you say you love me.and I believe you.but I know it.you're going to leave me for him.you're the one who said it...in the end, you might come back to me...but I AM going to lose you.you're going to make me lose you.
how can you love me when you KNOW that's what i'm going to do?
because I have always loved you.I have always loved you, and now, it's all I know how to do.
it wears me out..
we're no longer kids, love. Please is not a magic word that just makes things happen.
i'll stay with you.forever.
don't mock me.you know, you actually NEVER take me seriously.
i'm not fucking mocking you.
"fine, i'll stay with you forever?"
i'm giving you what you've always wanted.
to hell with what I want.like i said.my self-respect is nothing compared to the love i feel for you.
and I will stay because I respect you.
then you stay for nothing at all.
you don't stay for the happiness. you don't stay for the care and the concern, you don't stay for the affection, you don't stay for all the times I won't talk to you on the phone, but I'll dial in, you don't stay for interlocked legs, you don't stay for weekend sleep-ins, you stay....for nothing.
those things will come when the self-destruction subsides.
i see you loving him. and you love him so much.and he's the perfect man for you.he loves you too.he knows how to hold you.how to talk to you.how to not pull at your hair.how to walk away when you need space. he will know better than I ever hoped I would.
and all of this WILL be waste.
i wonder who's the pessimist now.
you know, people always told me relationships were about climbing. you're with someone, until you find someone better, and then you move on. I always said they were wrong. I guess the jokes are on me now.
I'm not being a pessimist.He seems more sensitive than I. More intelligent. He plays the guitar just like I do. He has a grace with words I cannot even shake my fist at. What do I have, but my devotion? And even that, he'll most probably surpass, if the other girl can be taken as an example. not that he'll need to. You won't do to him what you did to me. You'll be much more careful with him, because you'll both be fragile, in your own ways.
and all of this WILL be waste.
disregard everything I said, huh?
no.take it to heart and cry to sleep.
You seem to not be happy with me. You seem to feel like there's something lacking. You aren't sufficiently satisfied with this relationship, it would seem. And ALL I want to do is make you happy. I want to feel loved, and nothing else. I do EVERYTHING I possibly can that I think makes you happy....and yet, i'm not meeting the criteria.so please. Figure out what it is, and let me know.
what is it about them that isn't about me?
there's obviously something about you that you've stuck for so long too, love.
there's something about me. but there's something that isn't.
trying to decide what to wear
wear something smart?dress like me.
i'm wearing the grey and black striped sweater vest, my red skirt, my black suit coat and black booties.
no i want to wear a dress
because my butt's big
fail. your butt is awesome. and please. are you going to the talk to show your butt to people?
the blue retro one with grey shrug and grey heels.
no. you're going to listen, and hopefully speak your mind.
umm, if my butt looks good, they're going to take me seriously.
umm, if your butt looks good, they're NOT going to take you seriously.they'll be more inclined to take you seriously if you look seriously serious.
no,no, they'll think 'wow, she knows what she's talking about AND she has a nice butt'
Monday, October 05, 2009
i'm losing control.
with people, with myself, i'm drowning deep in the folds of peril. i keep listening to sad music, keep watching my life happen and not living it. I want to give you anything you've ever wanted. I want to be there to squeeze your nose when you can't breathe. I want to be your breath.
When you die, I want to come home alone and put out the fire. I'll sit in crowded places like airport waiting areas around Christmas and candy stores around Valentine's, I'll pretend I'm waiting for you, like I'm waiting right now. My fingers will frequently misplace keys and memories and I will get used to apologizing to strangers. I will sit with old friends and let them do the talking. There will lots of wordless music.
He makes her cry then says 'Buss bhi kar do rona'.