I've been noticing a lot of my own self recently. it's not too good. most of it is pretty washed up, pretty rusty. smells old and irreparable. I was very quiet today, very solemn, and dazed. I know I haven't been myself lately. I've been too blissfully happy. It's dangerous to be around people who love you literally just the way you are. Dangerous for me, personally.
Happiness is not a feeling. It's numbness. It's a tranquilizer. Blinds you, shuts down your system. It becomes an every occurrence, like food and laundry, writing on fridges with fading markers. There is no more joy left in happiness when you're happy all the time. Is that a bad thing? does feeling this way make me a bad person? ungrateful and almost selfish, no? don't you think?
my brother is my opposite. he is loving and kind and humble and incredibly wise for his age. maybe too much. and now S is off to school, her ambition making me cower in my own shadow. I noticed today, that I didn't have to say a word. Make my presence felt, contribute to the 'mehfil' in any way. All I did was look from left to right, and back again. I might as well have not been there. It was strange, being so alone in a very crowded house. There was a hollow feeling in my gut, like I was being dropped from high up. I felt sick, and jaded. I made my fingers do different wave motions to the music in my head. They moved very delicately, like a lotus floating downstream, not knowing where it's headed.
maybe this is my quiet plea for help.