Saturday, January 12, 2013

chasing daylight


So this might sound sad or even silly.
But you know how that internet activist Aaron Swartz committed suicide?

I've been reading about it, reading obits and people say 'what a tragedy, what a shame, he was only just at the brink of greatness'.

And...
I get it.
I get why he probably did it.

There is a strange sadness that has been lurking around...enveloping me and quietly residing without my permission inside my chest cave, and I don't know what to say to it anymore. I've been trying to define it, to ignore it, to even categorize it in order to try and understand it better, but it's just a lazy lump of intrusion acting like a road block in all of my plans.

I was speaking to S about it yesterday, while he was drifting to sleep and wasn't able to really respond to the deepness in my confession. I spoke about this clear divide in my life, separated by time. A sort of 'has been' and what is now a 'will be'. I'm looking ahead and planning and organize accordingly, but it's as if a huge chunk of me has just splintered off haphazardly, and it's floating in the distance where I can see it, but I can't touch it anymore. I miss it.

Whereas first I used to collide head on into blurting out my feelings through different means of expression...now I hesitate. I stutter. I falter. And I give up.

Why is that?
What happened?


6 comments:

Ridx said...

"There is a strange sadness that has been lurking around...enveloping me and quietly residing without my permission inside my chest cave, and I don't know what to say to it anymore. I've been trying to define it, to ignore it, to even categorize it in order to try and understand it better, but it's just a lazy lump of intrusion acting like a road block in all of my plans."

Love these lines.

The Lady of Green Origin said...

Everything is temporary. Happiness, sadness, anger. As is, I'm sure, this indefinable feeling. Passing through your body like breath. You can hold your breath for only so long.

Irfan Ullah Khan (Web Designer) said...

Great expression of feelings. Loved it.

Eeda said...

sometimes its the little things that you keep storing away in ur chest cavity, thinking, one day i'll face this and deal with it and negotiate with it and reason with it until it's logical enough to dissolve into the rest of you..but that day doesn't come. and then the little bits turn into one big road block, and suddenly it's all intertwined and you cannot just spit it out without biting off tiny chunks first, and not knowing where to start leaves you exhausted and sad and then you just start avoiding that part of you completely. and you start overlooking it. and making plans beyond this big road block hindering ur vision.

happened to me too.
maybe its the same thing for u? dunno.


the good news is, time and happiness dissolves it, eventually.

Eeda said...

sorry about the long rant there.

FYF said...

it's like a second shadow...