Saturday, January 12, 2013
So this might sound sad or even silly.
But you know how that internet activist Aaron Swartz committed suicide?
I've been reading about it, reading obits and people say 'what a tragedy, what a shame, he was only just at the brink of greatness'.
I get it.
I get why he probably did it.
There is a strange sadness that has been lurking around...enveloping me and quietly residing without my permission inside my chest cave, and I don't know what to say to it anymore. I've been trying to define it, to ignore it, to even categorize it in order to try and understand it better, but it's just a lazy lump of intrusion acting like a road block in all of my plans.
I was speaking to S about it yesterday, while he was drifting to sleep and wasn't able to really respond to the deepness in my confession. I spoke about this clear divide in my life, separated by time. A sort of 'has been' and what is now a 'will be'. I'm looking ahead and planning and organize accordingly, but it's as if a huge chunk of me has just splintered off haphazardly, and it's floating in the distance where I can see it, but I can't touch it anymore. I miss it.
Whereas first I used to collide head on into blurting out my feelings through different means of expression...now I hesitate. I stutter. I falter. And I give up.
Why is that?